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Mr. K. Allen presents: Fun With THE Internet

5 Nov

November 5, 2012

Fun With THE Internet
By: K. Allen

As some of you may or may not know, “Mr. Blog” has been having trouble with a malcontent by the name of Allen Keyes.  It seems that Mr. Keyes is following the hockey players lead and agitating for a bigger cut of the Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride revenue stream, and “Mr. Blog” is following the hockey owners lead by locking the dirty bum out. So in an effort to force Keyes to come to the table, “Mr. Blog” has hired me to show just how easily replaceable Keyes really is. For my part, I seriously doubt that “Mr. Blog” has any revenue stream. I have read his blog and frankly I wonder how it has survived this long.

So this week, in an effort to show Allen Keyes how it is done, and to simultaneously bring some measure of respectability to Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride, I present to you:

FUN WITH TEH INTERNETS  THE INTERNET. – I don’t know where Keyes went to school, but it’s not TEH, it’s THE. And internets? What’s with the plural? There’s only ONE internet. Fun with THE INTERNET.  I’ve been wanting to correct that for years.

Anyway, so what does this Keyes guy do around here besides make the maintenance staff feel uncomfortable? (You would not believe the stories Lupe has shared with me. She has not yet stopped crying – Mr. BTR.) Oh yes, he makes funny captions for random pictures with his “internets” witticisms. Ok, I can do that:

TODAY’S SEARCH: BLUE SHIRT   Oooh, look at him! He’s blue shirt wearing guy. I bet he looked really hard just to find a shade of blue that nice!  LOL (laugh out loud).  And it even matches his eyes! HILARIOUS!  I suspect he is a banker.

 

HAHA! (Laughing) This gentleman is wearing a tie! I totally like that tie with that shirt! 🙂  (SMILEY FACE)  I wonder where he purchased that tie! *SNORT* (Snort)

 

“Tee hee! I bet this guy’s employers respect him! NSFW (Not Safe for Work). I bet his girlfriend enjoys that he’s well dressed! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLZQTFW (????)”

See how easy that is? Oh, hey I almost forgot, no Allen Keyes column would be complete without the cheap and easy laugh of a bad fat guy Photoshop:

Look! It’s hilarious! The Fat Guy is chowing down on a hammer! WOW! GET IT? See, he’ll eat anything! And see how crudely done the Photoshop is? A trained monkey or a talented 5-year old could do this!

Let’s see, have I hit all the various Allan Keyes standbys? Burt Reynolds, Wrestling, Mr. T, Nursing Home Fire, Laser Death Car, Video Games, Cosplay, Fantasy Baseball. I think that should just about cover it.

Now here, let’s finish it up by avoiding having an abrupt awkward ending to this post by throwing in some random unrelated internet pictures and a relevant Simpson’s reference!

Imponderable #67: Georgia

2 Nov

November 2, 2012



WOODSTOCK, Ga. — A family in Woodstock, who just lost their home of 20 years to foreclosure and are preparing to move out, lost even more on Wednesday, and it was all because they inadvertently triggered what they now call “mayhem” when they posted a Craigslist ad Tuesday night.

Their online post was just a well-meaning ad for a giveaway of furniture and other household items in their driveway outside the small house, a giveaway scheduled to begin at 10 a.m. Wednesday.

But big crowds showed up early, while the family was out, breaking into the house and taking practically everything inside, in part because the way that the Craigslist ad was written gave them the idea that everything on the property was up for grabs. “Well, when we got to the house, I mean, pretty much — this,” he said as he stepped from the foyer into the living room. Their home — ransacked, ravaged, raked over. Almost everything inside — gone. “They came in and just tore the place up,” he said.

People who responded to the family’s Craigslist ad showed up at the house earlier than 10 a.m., before Vercher arrived there from work to supervise the giveaway. And when he drove up to the house, he said, they had already broken into it, helping themselves to almost everything inside. “Everyone was inside the house; they were taking out items,” he said. “There were cars around the block. It was like ants in and out of the house.”

Lamanac said she and Vercher’s mother arrived at the house about the same time Vercher did, thinking they were there in plenty of time to help distribute the items outside that they’d intended to give to the people who showed up. “When we got here, me and his mom jumped out of the car and said, ‘This is our stuff, don’t take anything,’ I mean, ‘If you have something, put it back,'” Lamanac said. “And this one woman actually, like, got in our faces and stuff, and started saying no, and everybody else just kind of drifted by us and didn’t listen and took the stuff and left.” “The front door was wide open and people were coming in and out with our things,” Hobbs said. “It was mayhem.”

They immediately called 911, while telling people to get out of the house and stop taking belongings from inside the house. “And a lady had her truck loaded with my grandma’s sewing machine,” Hobbs said. “And she wouldn’t give it to me. So I had to call police and they got my grandma’s sewing machine back.” That was one of the few items the family recovered, but the crowd had moved through the house quickly and most were gone quickly.

Here is the online ad that the family placed Tuesday night:

Fairly large, free yard sale. Moving and we want everything to go for free. So come over and take whatever you want and how much you want. Here are a couple of items that will be there: Couch, chairs, lots of household and kitchen items, appliances, a wardrobe, desk, recliner, movies, lots of books, lamps, women’s and teens’ clothing, etc. And also a box of free food with lots of cans. Please take only if you need it. We’re starting at 10 a.m., October 24th, and we’ll finish when everything’s gone.

Vercher said he now understands why people misunderstood the family’s ad to mean that they were giving away everything, inside and outside the house, because of the way they worded it.

Well hey, how could anyone possibly misinterpret that? After all, it only says “Moving and we want everything to go for free. So come over and take whatever you want and how much you want.” And right before that, the words “free yard sale.” OK, so technically most of the stuff was not in the yard, but seriously, what did these Southern schnooks expect? Craigslist is nothing but a place for thugs to plan their next invasion.

Yes, yes, I hear you yelling that “these are kind and generous people. Give them a break!”

No.

Kind and generous people they may be, but they are dumb as the grit between their toes. I am all for helping friends and neighbors (and I speak as one who is helping in the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy) but this is not how you do it! I am in no way at all absolving or making excuses for the lowlife looters who stole every toothpick from their home (and why would anyone want strangers personal pictures anyway?) but again, what did these folks expect?

Well, the bottom line is that nothing good comes from Craigslist. I could go on and on about the type of people who troll Craigslist for open houses, parties, etc, but I think the article sums it up best. Everything that could be taken from the house was taken from the house…”everything but a few of their books, which were left scattered across the carpet.”

Let’s just say they are not big readers.

Why would anyone post an ad on Craigslist for a free giveaway?
The question is Imponderable.