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The Saturday Comics in The Rue Morgue

14 Jan

January 14, 2012

No, Edgar Allan Poe did not write newspaper comic strips, though if he did I bet this might be one of them.

Let me say right upfront that I love Poe. His short stories, his poems, if  you need me to introduce you to Edgar Allan Poe then what’s wrong with you? The Raven? The Tell-Tale Heart? Annabelle Lee?

And Murders in the Rue Morgue.

This is the story that is generally credited with creating the modern consulting detective. Sherlock Holmes, Nero Wolfe, even the Hardy boys owe their existence to this tale.

The story surrounds the baffling double murder of Madame L’Espanaye and her daughter in the Rue Morgue, a fictional street in Paris. Newspaper accounts of the murder reveal that the mother’s throat is so badly cut that her head is barely attached and the daughter, after being strangled, has been stuffed into the chimney. The murder occurs in an inaccessible room on the fourth floor locked from the inside. Neighbors who hear the murder give contradictory accounts, each claiming they hear the murderer speaking a different language. The speech was unclear, they say, and they admit to not knowing the language they are claiming to have heard.

Sounds great, right? It is, at least for a while, until the murderer turns out to be an escaped gorilla. Yes, an ape. Technically, an orangutan that jumped from a cargo ship.

I’d have warned you about spoilers upfront but let’s  be real, this story is 171 years old and is part of half the high school curriculums in the free world. This is hardly a spoiler. Not my fault if you never read it.

But yes, an ape. I fully understand that when this story was written apes had not yet become the cheesy B-movie clichés they are today but that doesn’t stop me from groaning every time I read that story. A really great locked room murder story and the killer is an ape? Sorry Edgar, you lose my respect with that one.

Which brings me back to The Saturday Comics.

“Wings and Winnie Winchester Help Capture Gorilla.” Allow me to put on my Mr. Grammar hat and complain that it isn’t “a” gorilla, it isn’t “the” gorilla, it is simply “help capture gorilla.” Is this such a famous ape the he is known as Gorilla? Is that his stage name? According to the headline his name is King, and that’s not original at all.

Anyway, not only does that gorilla look more scared of them than they are of him (which is not at all) but it only takes a trio of strangely unwrinkled policemen and a flimsy net to catch the ape. However, the ape seems to weigh no more than a couple of pounds, so maybe it really wasn’t such a big deal to catch him.

While the circus seems to be no great shakes, I’d have bugged my Mom to get me pair of those skates. What if there was an escaped gorilla in my neighborhood?

Sheesh, gorillas get no respect.

Caribbean Crazy Ants!

11 Jan

January 11, 2012

Nobody respects ants. Big deal, ants. So what? Sure, nobody likes them, but if you walk into your kitchen at 3am and flip on the light, which would you rather see?

A- a nest of black widow spiders
B- your brother-in-law in his underwear raiding your fridge
C- a couple of ants

Ants are the afterthoughts of the bug world. OK, they can ruin a picnic, but so can Paulie Shore, and of the two, I’d rather have ants show up. (Now before you say “fire ants” remember that I am writing from New York City where we are tougher than that.)

You see an ant you step on it you keep walking. Unless we are talking about Them!

But that’s Hollywood. In order to make the humble ant into a threat they had to use the standard 1950’s boogeyman “Atomic Radiation” to make them into the size of a latter-day Orson Welles and even then all they did was hang out in the sewer. I’d have left them alone and let the giant albino alligators take care of them.

The other way for Hollywood to turn the pathetic little members of the family Formicidae into a threat is to up the ante and instead of one or two or even a few dozen, have about a gazillion trillion show up at your picnic. That’s too much for just one can of Raid.

The Naked Jungle stars Charlton Heston and please give me a second to get this out of my system.

“A planet where ants evolved from men?’
“Get your stinking mandibles off me you damn dirty ants!”
“The only good ant is a dead ant.”

Thank you. I see Heston in a movie and I have Planet of the Apes flashbacks. Good thing The Omega Man isn’t that quotable or we’d be here all day.

600full-the-naked-jungle-screenshot

The Naked Jungle is based on a story called Leiningen Versus the Ants by Carl Stephenson. Written in 1938, there’s no need for me to summarize it because you pretty much saw it all in the clip above. YouTube is a real boon for lazy writers like me.

“But Mr. Blog,” you are saying, “that’s all movie bullshit. In real life I get ants in my toilet all the time and one flush takes care of them. Ants are no real problem.”

Please stop using bad language in my blog. And remind me to never go to the bathroom in your house.

But seriously, wonder if the tiny little ant can really pose a danger to the world at large?

OK, I get that it is hard to take “Caribbean Crazy Ants” seriously- what, too much rum? But if that was your half-acre of land and you had two inches of dead ants on the ground and millions more on the march you wouldn’t be laughing.

Who would expect ants to be so blood-thirsty as to launch “revenge attacks”? These guys are the Bin Ladens of the insect world. The University of Florida has a pretty good site about them if you are interested and want information more scientific than “crazy ants”. According to the UoF, “Pest control operators using liquid and/or granular broad-range insecticides appear unable to control this nuisance ant.”

According to this MSNBC article, they have been known to not only destroy bee hives but also to- get ready to worry- “disable huge industrial plants.”

And those fire ants I laughed at earlier? These guys wipe them out like they were an afterthought. I’m not laughing now.