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TV is Sick and Twisted and Full of Murderers

25 Feb

February 25, 2013

keyes

Am I the only one who notices how disturbing some innocuous commercials really are?  Kids- children – the future of this nation – are being encouraged to commit all sorts of violent and depraved crimes by cute animated characters! And you thought G.I. Joe was violent! (Or if you thought I was a hack, you win!!!) Anyway, check this one out:

So a LIVING, SENTIENT Pop-Tart doing his best impression of Fonzie jumping the garbage cans at Arnolds, accidentally falls into the toaster and DIES. And it’s all yummy yummy fun. Subtext: THE POP TART DIED! HOORAY!!   I mean jeeze, imagine if Fearless Fonzarelli’s stunt ended with him falling into a toaster instead of a fried chicken stand (and then Pinky Tuscadero turned it on)

If fact, if you watch these Pop-Tart commercials, you’ll see a theme-  that they all basically end with nice, loveable living pastries who think and dream and feel either falling into, or getting tricked into the toaster, to their deaths. I mean look at this one:

This is flat out murder for god’s sake!

It’s not limited to mediocre breakfast treats either. Check this out:

The M&M doesn’t want to be eaten for goodness sake! And I’m sorry, but look at the last couple of scenes: She’s trying to shove the loveable M&M into an oven against his will. And then it’s a group of women eating him alive. This one gave me nightmares, NO JOKE.

This one is slightly better, as the murder/eating alive aspect is subtle and played for laughs (ha. ha.) And these pretzel M&Ms present a whole ethical dilemma unto themselves. The pretzel and the M&M are presumably living beings, (and of similar sizes) yet they are happily expected to have one crawl up inside the other one (where exactly? M&Ms aren’t usually depicted with a chocolate chute if you know what I mean) to be eaten. Who’s the demented candy Frankenstein (or maybe a confectionary Mengele) making this happen? It’s like demanding the ingredients of the turducken (if you don’t know consider yourself lucky) assemble themselves so fatsos like John Madden can eat them alive.

Now I like this one. This one is interesting. There’s nobody trying to eat/kill them, no message of “Hey kids! Eat me alive and suck out my blood with your breakfast milk!” but the silly frosted mini wheats think absolutely nothing of cavorting in front of boxes and boxes filled with what I presume to be mini wheat corpses. The new slogan for this product: “It’s a mini-wheat holocaust! Now with berries!”

Gary Larson was a prophet. Check out this classic far side cartoon and see what I mean….genius. Pure genius.

cows

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The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys: Snowman Family Kit

23 Feb

February 23, 2013

treasure snowman

This is the last of three inductions of toys into The Treasure Chest of Terrible Toys. Originally Imponderable #29, this toy came back to mind with all the horrible snowstorms across the country. We’ve had more than enough snow, and I’ve had more than enough of the infantilization of our children.

from December 30, 2011

I have previously taken a stand against “toys” that are nothing more than a sad parody of what toys should be. For example, in my blog “Birth of The Office Drone” I described in excruciating detail how some people think so little of children that they need to give them a toy that is an exact replica of an adult’s briefcase and contents (like name badge and cell phone- what fun) instead of letting the children make their own pretend items out of household goods and their own imagination.

I found this in the LL Bean catalogue. I HATE this toy. LL Bean is guilty of neutering childhood. This toy is killing my youth.

What child can’t make a snowman? What child needs a pre-made snowman kit? Building a snowman is one of the last wholesome winter activities left that is all imagination and adult-free. Or at least it was.

Fake buttons, wooden antlers, and a phony carrot nose. What about finding real buttons around the house? Antlers made out of branches? A real carrot? And worse, this kit says to the child “this is how you make a snowman.” Oh yeah? Well I want my snowman to have a Mets cap and a wooden pipe. You’ll find neither of those in this kit, and I bet that no kit would dare to be so politically incorrect as to include a pipe.

Is it really that hard to find things to stick on a snowman?

What galls me even more is that warning. “Should only be handled or used with adult supervision.” WHY? Is there jagged glass included in the set? LL Bean is taking away the magic and joy from childhood. But I can’t only blame them. I have to blame the idiotic consumers who bought every last one. Yes, this item is sold out.

7 reviews all glowing, a 5-star rating.

I weep for the youth of the world.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.

Nowhere does it mention pre-made snowman parts from the LL Bean catalogue.

What is going to happen to the children of the world when every last shred of imagination is forced out of them? Who wants to raise a generation of kids who can’t build their own snowman?

The question is Imponderable.

And I am afraid.

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