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The Hillbilly Saves the Economy

18 Aug

August 18, 2011

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you, The Hillbilly.


With all the talk about the economy and all the trouble on Wall Street I thought I’d give you some advice on how to increase your personal wealth. If everybody would follow some simple rules then we’d have this economy running like a tractor in no time.

1- No need to buy that expensive store-bought pig slop. Good hearty pig slop can be made out of left over parts, gullets, necks, feet, and gizzards and can go straight from your dinner plate to the trough.

2- Why buy a new set of clothes when you start a new job or third grade? A good pair of overalls can last you for years with a little patching in the seat, and it is easy to “accessorize,” like they say in the movie magazines. Change your rope belt for a length of wire and you’ve got a new wardrobe.

3- Who needs high-priced fur coats? Musk rat makes a fine weather keeper-outer, and if you shoot it yourself you can get a meal out of it too. Don’t forget to keep the scent glands, that’s good musk.

4- Making your own mattress isn’t just easy, it can be fun too. Get Granny to form a sewing circle, and the young ones can stuff it with hay from the barn. Just make sure you make it big enough to sleep all your cousins.

5- Schooling? Anyone still in school over age 12 is just putting on airs, I say. The sooner they get to working the sooner the children can pitch in and buy barbed wire.

6- I don’t know what the debt ceiling is or why it so long to raise it, but you and your friends can raise a barn or patch your own ceiling in a day and you only need a couple of jugs of moonshine and some hog ears for lunch.

7- Taxes only get paid if they can find you to pay them.

8- Old cans and jugs never get thrown away. Cans are good for target practice and shooting at them instead of your neighbors keeps you out of trouble. Jugs are good to keep homemade molasses in. And moonshine. A good can should last forever, and who buys canned goods anyway? Waste of money. Like some big green ogre can grow better peas than I have growing behind the outhouse.

9- Never pay a repair man to fix your radio. If you can’t get Ozark Pete on it that set isn’t worth fixing anyway.

10- Going in to town is always a waste of money, especially on a Saturday night. Town-girls are nothing but trouble and always looking for money. If you have to get a woman, look no further than your cousins. You know who they’ve been with and the money you spend on them stays in the family.

You all come back now!

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The Saturday Comics: Flying Saucers

13 Aug

August 13, 2011

Today we’ll take a look at something that combines a quartet of my interests: comic books, toys, flying saucers, and old ads. I have a sampling of ads and articles about do-it-yourself flying saucers and home-made spaceships for you this week.

Exciting! Fun! Low Cost! A great father and son project! And powered by an ordinary vacuum cleaner motor! Sign me up! Never mind that I’ve owned vacuums that have had trouble getting a stubborn piece of lint out from under the bed, I am sure this thing can really lift 200 pounds. Who am I to argue? I am just some guy with logic and a background in engineering.

But I am sure that free inventors calendar is really cool.

Before you say “it’s a Frisbee,” let me explain the principle of differential expansion.

Differential expansion is a phenomenon peculiar to rotors and rotating discs which causes tilt based on the effect of weight or gravity upon the rotating object. It is a natural phenomenon observable in helicopter rotors, steam engines, and Frisbees.

Now you can say “it’s a Frisbee.”This one is a model, and speaking as a man who built a ton of models in his youth, it is a pretty boring model. What is that, three pieces? According to the ad it can be flown with a motor. I doubt that. That is highly unaerodynamic, and it is made of balsa wood. There isn’t enough weight to it. It also “flies extremely well as a glider.” I think it would make a better Frisbee.

But I love the price, 2/6 plus purchase tax. What country uses nomenclature like 2/6 for pricing?

Now this clears things up a bit. the only problem is, the third column starts with “launching is done by your assistant.” Assistant? What is this, the Lockheed Skunk Works? At any rate, a propeller in the front is a better design than a jet in the back. And this one seems like more fun to build since it is mostly homemade. But overall, I really like the article’s lingo. “After Air Trails ran the ‘Saucy Saucer’ flying control line whizzeroo…” All we need is Stan Lee to blurt out “Excelsior!”

Thank you Wham-O! They may call it a “Pluto-Platter” but they don’t pretend it is anything but a 79 cent Frisbee, even if they do pretty it up with the “Scientific airfoil” guff. I love the “Flying Saucer Horseshoe Game.” Two Frisbees and a pair of sticks for $4.98.

Here’s where I’d rather spend my $4.98. And the 10-day free trial? Who needs it? In ten days I’ll already be on Mars.

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