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Bird Brains in the News

14 Jan

January 14, 2011

I’d like to know if they put the parrot on the witness stand. Poor bird, they can’t even offer Polly a cracker for fear that the defense would consider the testimony coerced. But you see, it’s true that life is sometimes just one bad joke after another. Like this one:

Before the collapse of communism, this Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighborhood, in the park, everywhere. He can’t find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officer is a little puzzled. “Look, comrade, I’m sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We don’t handle missing animal reports.” “Oh, I know that”, says the guy. “I just wanted you to know, if you do find my parrot… I don’t know where he could have picked up all his political ideas.”

Forget the expression “bird brain,” let’s see you lure a date back to your house of dung. If you decorated your house with “garlands of feces glistening with dew” you’d be in, pardon the pun, deep shit. But if you were a bird you’d be sleeping with the prom queen.

You’ve got to hand it to the birds, though. They take dung, use it to find a mate, and make a home out of it. What do we do? We make this:

Now who’s the bird brain?

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Beans, Beans The Musical Fruit, The More You Eat, The More You Play Disco Music

12 Jan

January 12, 2011

Of the many things I never expected to read, this was not one of them.

You’ve heard of eine kleine nachtmusik? Here’s eine kleine stomachmusik
 

Meet Fredrik Hjelmqvist.

There’s little I can add to the jokes you must already have come up with.    

 
 

And now for a little stomache music...

 This man gives a new meaning to term “illegal downloads.”

Just imagine a romantic evening. A wonderful dinner, a carriage ride around Central Park, and music emanating from a man’s abdomen. What woman could resist? Sorry. I meant to say, what woman would go near him again?

Beans have long been known as the musical fruit, but swallowing this bean brings it to an entirely new level. Sure, most men have been known to toot a little from time to time, but how many of us have played three-part harmony? Alone, that is.
 
Just think. You find yourself pursued by the police- pop in a capsule of high-speed chase music. In a dark alley? Swallow a pill of ominous bass music. Having sex? Pop a capsule of 70’s porno music. And a Viagra. You can be your own soundtrack!
 
Record someone else’s voice and fool any voice recognition software. Just be sure to have an answer as to why you are holding the phone to your stomach.
 
Of course, an invention like this must have many serious practical applications, one would expect, though they escape me at the moment. Perhaps you can rent him out for parties…?
  

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