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This Is The Future, Right?

11 Nov

from May 12, 2007

This is the future, right? I mean, when we were little kids, the 21st century was it. IT. Flying cars, robots, atomic supermen, that sort of thing. Criswell said it best- “We are all interested in the future, for that is where we shall spend the rest of our lives.” And damn if he wasn’t right, ’cause I haven’t managed yet to live in the past, at least not for real.

I was reading an old Ray Bradbury story that was set in the far-off future year of 1978, and I hate to complain and pick on such a “legend,” but man, was he wrong. I’m sorry Mr. Sci-Fi Legend Guy, but I’m not living on a Mars colony. And my “atomic-powered short-wave radio” doesn’t exist. So what’s the deal?

I’m very well-read and I’ve seen tons of movies. I know what I’m talking about. I want my ray gun! I want my personal robot! I want my own jet pack, flying car, and combination space radio-slash-TV! My hat is supposed to protect me from atomic fallout and my food is supposed to be in pill form. I should commute to work by rocket and my personal computer should be about the size of my bedroom and have the computing power of thirteen abacuses.

But I know that old movies and TV shows can be somewhat unreliable when it comes to showing things as they are. You just have to be selective. For example, I don’t really take The Jetsons seriously. How can you? It is so phony. I think that show has the worst special effects I have ever seen. That car folding into a briefcase? I can see the CGI. And the actors? I don’t know who played George Jetson but he was so weird looking! He had a head that was about as big as his torso. I’ve tried reading the credits, but they don’t tell you who played any of the Jetsons. It may be for their safety- can you imagine how many stalkers Judy Jetson had? I must have written her thirty or forty letters when I was a kid and she never wrote back. I was so stupid back then- it took me until I was 23 to realize that she lives in the future! She hasn’t gotten the letters yet!

Movies do a little better job. I like Abbott and Costello Go to Mars. These two goofy delivery guys get mixed up for scientists and, somehow, end up piloting a ship to Mars, with two bumbling crooks along for the ride. Now it may sound silly, but the film has a rather complex inner-logic and the use of soft-focus cinematography is particularly effective, especially in the sublimely genius sequence when Costello is blasting people with his freeze ray. If any film could be held up as proof of the auteur theory of filmmaking, this is certainly it. Subtle in its satire and carefully nuanced in the use of pre-Marxist Soviet propaganda, my only problem is that how can these be the same guys who played janitors who met Frankenstein and Dracula in a previous film? That part I could never figure out- when did they change careers from janitors to delivery men?

At any rate, that future was clear- men would travel to Mars and meet a race of giant dogs, as well as mechanizing the Statue of Liberty so it can duck when a rocket flies too close overhead. We would all have freeze rays and we would wear spiffy space suits. I want my spiffy space suit!

So far the future is not all it was cracked up to be. I blame Congress. They keep holding up all those laws I want them to enact. Just last month I sent Congress my Bill For The Construction Of Lunar Radium Mines. And what did they do? Sent an FBI guy with a search warrant to my house. It’s like they don’t appreciate all my help.

I sent Congress my ideas for a Rocket-Man Brigade to protect us from Interstellar Plutonian Ice Hounds and all they did was pass some sort of dopey Iraq troop-funding bill.

So as I get older I’m resigning myself to the fact that maybe I won’t be getting that robot any time soon. I may not live on the moon or have a Martian space-dog as my pet, but at least I have my fifth-grade imagination. And maybe I don’t have a jet pack or own a space-yacht, but I know that I will someday. Flash Gordon said so!

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Blog For The Sake of Blogging

11 Nov

from January 30, 2007

Sorry, but this not going to be the long-threatened “sex blog.” My exposé will wait for another day, so you can breathe a sigh of relief that our secret is still safe, Liz. (Just kidding! It is Bonnie who should be relieved. Just kidding! Michelle? Marc?)

So I’m left with an empty page. The writer’s challenge. The taunt. Or it would be if I were actually looking at a blank page. I don’t write longhand with pen and paper. Oh, you plebeians may still pick up an instrument and scribble on a sheet of foolscap (am I Elizabethan? Why not. Let’s go with it.) but thou hav’t precious little idea, prithee thee,  of thy pride of  using ye electronique computer, by Od’s little bodkin.

And by the way “ye” is not and never was a word in any English, Old, Middle, or whatever. It is the misunderstanding of a letter which no longer exists and combined the “t” and “h” “th” sound. So “ye” was still pronounced “the” but spelled with an odd little extinct letter which looked a bit like the letter “y,” hence the confusion.

I may be full of crap with all of that but I don’t think I am. I am certain that I am filled with a lot of crap about other things, but that isn’t one of them. (“Filled with a lot of crap.” Perhaps an enema is in order? No way.)

That’s a lot of nonsense, and I haven’t even started the blog proper. That’ll be more nonsense, but at least it’ll be on the way to an ending. This is just the beginning and believe me, this isn’t easy tonight.

I have the urge to write. Usually when this happens, I have something to write about, some little idea or phrase (like “Alien Assholes” a while back) just kicking to get out. Not tonight, though the first paragraph came easy enough. So it’s all downhill from here. I’d leave now if I were you.

So here it is. My views on the most important, vital issues of our time. In handy numerical order, though I admit that the order is totally random. So I guess the numbers are therefore useless, but they look cool.

1- AMERICAN IDOL. I love the early freak show episodes. I love the nincompoops who think they can sing. But that isn’t the worst part. They are all so earnest. They all think they can all sing and will be the next big thing. Bullshit. If I were Simon there’s no way I’d be able to just sit there. I’d stalk into the waiting room, Tazz-style, and weed out the crap with a little “friendly persuasion.” But then there’d be no show. I guess that’s why Paula is so drunk all the time. And do you think Simon has ever gotten a piece off of Paula?

2- The DONALD TRUMP-VINCE McMAHON FEUD. I love Vince. The guy is a bazillionaire and he’ll still get in the ring and have his face shoved in the crack of  a fat guy’s naked ass. NOTE- that actually happened last year. I don’t care how funny Trump’s hair is, I don’t care how many times he says “you’re fired,” I don’t care how Miss USA “convinced him” in the back room to give her another chance, there is just no one like Vince.

3a- 24. JACK KILLED CURTIS! JACK KILLED CURTIS!

3b- LOST. ABC is killing that show. When was it last on? When will it be on again? I’m beginning not to care. I have enough DVD’s to watch, thank you very much.

4- GHOSTS, ESP, NESSIE, et al. I have always described myself as either a scientist or a writer, depending on the circumstances. We all know that I am lying about the writing part, but the scientist thing needs an explanation. I tend to think in an orderly way. I look for solutions. I try to be logical. I tend to apply the scientific method to most cases. And as far as ghosts go I am a skeptic. So while I believe in ghosts I have found very little proof and very few stories that I believe. And this is not BS. I have a very good working knowledge of general Parapsychological issues. You should actually see my bookcase. (Not that I would actually invite you over, you band of freeloaders.) As for ESP, I won’t detail it here but I have personally had an experience or two. Now here is where I tie in the scientist part and prove that I am not a nutty tin-foil hat guy. The Loch Ness Monster is not true. Can’t be. For all scientific reasons. For one, the lack was frozen solid from top to bottom in the last ice age, so there are no ancient ichthyic remnants there. Secondly, though theorized, there have not been any underwater passages to the ocean found in the Loch. Even if a creature the size of the monster found it’s way into the Loch, it could not survive. The lake is dark, cloudy. The sun does not penetrate far and there is very little algae, plankton, or microbial life. Therefore, he lake does not support much in the way of fish life. Ask any fishermen about the amount of fish there. It is not nearly enough to support a large creature, and certainly not for any number of years or decades. It is not scientifically possible, but it makes a lot of tourist money for Urquhart Castle. (On the other hand, the Sasquatch is a near-certainty, for all scientific reasons.)

5- VOORTMAN’S SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Love ’em!

And that’s about it. Don’t ask me about the deficit, don’t ask me about the chances of McCain in Iowa. Ask me about cheesy TV from the 1950’s. Ask me about The Shadow or Underwater Ace. 

CURRENTLY READING- Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, JRR Tolkien translation

CURRENTLY WATCHING- My neighbor across the street. She keeps her bedroom blinds up.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO- Wrestling entrance music on my iPod. There is something about Sabu’s music that hypnotizes me.

CURRENTLY WRITING- This blog.

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QUIZ TIME!

Q- What was the Old English letter that represented the “th” sound called?

A- Who cares?

Q- Have you ever been to Urquhart Castle?

A- There is no Urquhart Castle. It was made up by the Scots as a tax dodge.

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