March 5, 2014
As you may know, I live in Brooklyn, which is the new hipster destination (our motto: Just Shoot Us Now.) Hipsters are totally annoying. There are a few things hipsters do that is the antithesis of manly. (Obviously, I am talking about men.) They wear tight girly jeans (or worse- meggings), they carry man-purses, and they have awful, heavily groomed beards which contain so much hair gel that their beards actually melt in the sun. And that is just their appearance. They ride around on penny-farting bikes- true! In Park Slope there are some idiots riding around on those bikes from the 19th century with the one big wheel in the front and the one little wheel in the back, high in the air as if they were on the back of an elephant. They drink $7 imported coffees and vote for Mayor DeBlasio. They make everything worse. And what is the new hipster trend?
Listen up men- while hair transplants on the top of your head are ok, even tolerated, this is ridiculous. This is not manly. I know you are not manly already if you are a hipster, but this is worse. Beard implants are nothing more than a cry for help, a desperate plea to be part of something, to be thought of as cutting edge and oh so hip! Who cares? If you are so shallow as to get a beard implant you have deeper problems than poor facial follicles.
Hipsters are just the new metrosexuals. This is all just an act, a “hey! look at me!” thing. But the problem is, it isn’t original. One hipster is the same as the next. Can you tell one ant from another? That’s all hipsters are: Bing Crosby hat wearing, guitar carrying, latte drinking identical ants in expensive shirts from Ecuador that no one but other hipsters care about.
If you find yourself in a doctor’s office waiting for your beard implants, you would be better off on a psychiatrist’s couch. But be careful- your hair gel may stain the pillows.