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Archive | 2:51 pm

My Review of America’s Got Talent

9 Jun

June 9, 2010

No, it does not.

Well, sort of. Depends on how you define “talent.”

(No, this is not a “depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” Clintonian obfuscation. [Impressed with that? I am a  writer.])

America’s Got Talent is, logically, judged by two Brits. Why? Because:
A- It is based on a British show, where it was called “America’s Got Talent- British Edition.”
B- They gave us the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and we gave them Clay Aiken so they have a pretty big mad on.
C- We saved their butts in WWII and this is how they repay us?

Brit Number One is Piers Morgan, a Brit so nasty he insists that everyone call him “Piers” when the natural American inclination is to call him “Pierce,” or “hey you.” I like the guy but his name bugs me. 

BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE:
“Piers” reminds me of the disused piers I photographed in Atlantic City, and the British accent reminds me of Doctor Who. “Disused piers,” in addition to being a good name for an album, together with the accent, remind me of Patrick Troughton worrying over a “disused Yeti” he thought he heard mentioned when it was really a “disused jetty.” And of course, jetties are piers, so you can see how my mind works. (At about 1/2 speed, frankly.)
END OF BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE. BACK TO POINTLESS REVIEW:

Brit Number Two is Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osbourne’s caregiver. Ozzy has long gone beyond the point of needing a wife, and Sharon Osbourne, much like Nancy Reagan to Ronald, is now left to take care of her once vital husband. Ozzy sometimes becomes lucid enough to sing “Crazy Train” while Sharon is now a full time celebrity.

Judge Number Three is actually American, Howie Mandel. Howie used to be a standup comedian, he claims. I have found no actual proof of that claim. We know him now as the parrot on Deal or No Deal. This season he replaces David Hasselhoff as the token American. While The Hoff was, arguably, usually drunk, Howie’s bald head makes him look like a penis, so it is a wash as to who is the better judge.

Nick Cannon is the host and I find him kind of funny on the show. Even funnier is the fact that he is married to Mariah Carey. I will not make fun of him. Move along.

The format of the show is simple. In fact, it is the same format as every other TV talent show, like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, America’s Best Dance Team, Last Comic Standing, The X Factor, and Sig Hansens’s Celebrity Alaskan Crab Fishing. Acts come on and the judges either tell them they suck or pass them on to the next round. America’s Got Talent is unique in that, umm, gimme a minute, um, it has big light up “X’s” when the acts get buzzed. Yeah, the show really stands out.

The Talent. Ah, the talent. The show gets a lot of singers, and some of them can actually sing. Last week there was a group made up of formerly homeless veterans and they sang beautifully. This week there was a 49 year old Jersey goombah and his 72 year old dad. Could they sing? X

There are also dancers. One dancer pranced around with his puppy, who walked to the side of the stage and went to sleep. X

There was a guy in a metal suit who threw electricity around, a flame-throwing magician, and a half-blind woman swinging flaming swords. See a pattern here?

For the record, only the blind woman got the X because the judges were afraid they might get killed. The wusses.

There was a guy who played 4 harmonicas at once, a bad singer from New Jersey, if you can believe it, a drag queen who sang opera, and a couple of really bad white rappers.

There was a dog act, a magic act, and some guy who fell on the floor and pretended to have a stroke.

My favorite so far? The comedian who told this joke:

“My friend asked me what animal I’d like to be. I said an eagle. He asked me why. I said so I could sex with eagles.”

CROWN THAT MAN!  AMERICA’S GOT TALENT!

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