Archive | 12:19 am

an inoffensive blog

14 Nov

from March 2, 2008

In the interest of not offending anyone, and not having to issue and apology, and not having Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride or its parent company GOMALCO Industries suspend me or even fire me, here is my latest blog, clean, wholesome, and not the least offensive.

I was watching and episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm the other night. That show is great! Seriously! Larry David is hysterical and not a bit unlike me, in that when I get old and cranky I’ll have no friends either.

In this particular episode Larry had to go to the bathroom and there was a huge line for the only stall, but no line at all for the handicapped stall. So Larry used the handicapped stall and everyone on line wanted to kill him because, they said, the handicap stall is only for the handicapped.

Trust me, I’ve been in this situation before. I know. A stall is not like a parking spot. The handicapped cannot walk and need a spot close to the stores. You can’t park there so it will be available. A stall, however, is not there for any matter of walking distance. It is there to provide a space wide enough for a wheelchair and special support, like a bar to help a handicapped person stand or sit. There is no reason not to use a handicap stall. If it is occupied, the handicapped person can wait until it is free, just like anyone else. And take it from me, sometimes it is a serious emergency and you’ve got to use whatever stall is open. Especially when the handicapped stall is usually farthest from the urinals. When a guy is whipping his shlong out next to me I want more than a one-inch barrier between us. So when it comes to- HEY!

GET OUT OF HERE! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF THE KEYBOARD AND- WHAT THE?!?! S@@W384875(&*&^^&**(%^%(J-853I34]-O=9@&)@

 A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO DISABLED AMERICANS
FROM THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF
MR. BLOG’S TEPID RIDE

We at Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (“Home of the Nearly OK Blog”) have always striven to give you, the consumer and avid reader, a high-quality and entertaining product.

In the interest of fai- whu? NO YOU DON”T! Give this back to me now, Now!

I’ll try this again. New blog. Boring but inoffensive.

(Deep breath)

This morning I had breakfast, which is unusual for me since I’m usually not up that early. I had a bowl of cereal (rice crispies) and a  glass of orange juice. And I noticed that while both the orange juice and the milk came in cardboard containers, only the orange juice had a twist-off spout built into the carton. The milk carton still had to be opened the old fashioned way. How many times have you ripped the milk carton when you tried to open it? The orange juice spout is so much neater and convenient. So come on, dairy industry, get with the times and add spouts to your cartons.

There. Done. And not a bit of controversy or anything to apologi- WHAT???????

 A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO THE DAIRY INDUSTRY
FROM THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF
MR. BLOG’S TEPID RIDE

No NO NO! NO! AND I’M SAYING THIS IN MY MOTIVATIONALLY LOUD CAPITAL LETTERS WITH UNDERLINING AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!! NO MORE APOLOOGIES! I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS COMPANY AND IF YOU TRY TO CENSOR MY CREATIVITY I’M GOING TO TAKE THIS BLOG AND MOVE ACROSS THE STREET. FACEBOOK HAS ALREADY MADE ME A NICE OFFER. DON’T FORGET THAT MY CONTRACT EXPIRES NEXT MONTH. SO SHUT YOUR UGLY FACE- NO. MAKE THAT YOUR FUCKING UGLY FACE AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BLOG BEFORE I RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS BACKWARDS.

It will be my pleasure to return to “normalcy” with the next blog.

Heaven help us. 

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A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO THE HOT DOG INDUSTRY

14 Nov

from March 1, 2008

A PUBLIC APOLOGY TO THE HOT DOG INDUSTRY
FROM THE EDITORIAL STAFF OF
MR. BLOG’S TEPID RIDE

We at Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride (“Home of the Nearly OK Blog”) have always striven to give you, the consumer and avid reader, a high-quality and entertaining product.

Whether it is the musings of our foreign policy advisor “Mr. Know-It-All,” (Bruce E. Freedkin) or the helpful kitchen hints of Breakfast Betty, the editorial staff of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride has always been satisfied with the level of wholesome morality presented under our banner.

However, we feel that the recent posting by “Ace Rocker: DAMAGED SATELLITE” did not meet our rigorous journalistic standards. In fact, the latest blog concerning hot dog ingredients has generated a large volume of mail, all of it negative, and it reinforces our position that certain statements and inferences contained therein must be addressed.

Hot Dogs or Frankfurters are the lynchpin of the sausage/wiener industry and are strictly held to rigorous standards. While FDA regulations do allow a certain percentage of feces, inedible animal byproducts, and even harmful chemical or animal waste, we here at Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride do not hold the belief that there is anything wrong with that. In fact, we feel that a well-grilled hot dog on a nicely toasted bun, topped with mustard, relish, and sauerkraut, is perhaps the quintessential American lunch. If “Ace Rocker” in any way gave the impression that ingredients are any less than healthy and wholesome it was clearly a mistake and unintentional.

The Editors, staff, and writers of Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride all join in apologizing herewith, and publicly, to the entire hot dog industry in general, and Hebrew National in particular. We all enjoyed the case of free hot dogs sent to our offices and the cooks from Nathan’s who arrived to cater lunch. In the interest of full disclosure we at Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride admit that we were in no way swayed or influenced by the delicious, scrumptious meal provided us this week, nor by the coupons for “buy one get one free” hot dogs at Gray’s Papaya.

In the future we hope that we can retain the public’s trust in out unbiased journalism.

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