Most Popular Blogs

from September 11, 2007

Let’s say that we were all in a room together, right now. We were all just hanging out, drinking rum and Cokes, sitting in comfy chairs. What would we all be talking about?Ah, who cares? We aren’t all together. That’s the point of the internet. If we could all get together and hang out we would. (Or at least you would. I really need a nap.)

So what I did was click on the “view most popular blogs” link to see what’s going on.

I gotta tell ya, there ain’t much going on in some people’s heads.

These are real blogs.

Exhibit A- “Tugging One Out Beside My Sleepy Wife and Time Travel Without a Flux Capacitor”

Sample-

Didn’t sleep very well, so woke up around 5 in the morning to check email and blog instead. I shower and take Harley to school, then meet up with Jim Jackman for breakfast at The Griddle. We catch up while I watch him eat, nursing my iced tea, and then head over to the diet clinic for a weigh-in and product pickup. Happily, I discover I’ve lost ten pounds thus far, so suddenly I don’t feel like I truly missed out on that Griddle gorge. I drop Jim back off at his car, then head home, where Gail tells me a piece I’m supposed to write for TV Guide is due. I bury myself in the office and compose a 500 word essay about “Reaper” that turns out to be closer to 1000 words instead. When I’m done, I quickly pack, and Jen and I head over to Burbank to catch a flight to Vegas. En route, I read the very flattering Entertainment Weekly piece about “Reaper” in their Fall TV Preview ish, in which Jeff Jensen refers to me as a “shabby-chic crassmaster.” It’s almost embarrassing how delighted I am by that description.

It goes on and on like that! Lots of boring “woke up and shaved” mixed in with name-drops and graphic-yet-bland-descriptions of sex with the all excitement of watching an all-nun production of “Annie Get Your Gun.” The self-absorbed droppings of a nobody.

Exhibit B- “The Ant Colony Creed”

Sample-

THE ANT COLONY CREED
1. To always speak the truth…even when it hurts.
2. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to EVERYONE you meet.
3. To be so strong, that nothing can disturb your inner peace.
4. To be just as enthusiastic of anothers success as you are about your own.
5. To remember that God is in the pause.
6. To forgive the mistakes of your past and to strive to greater achievements in the future.
7. To never see failure…only opportunity. You are no longer a victim.
8. To have NO JUDGEMENTS of others…No matter what.
9. To live well and CHOOSE happiness. To say I can everyday.
10. To make an impact on the world. To live love.
11. To remember your spirit and nourish it daily.
12. To remember these principles above personalities.

PLEASE COMMENT below. I do read them all and may respond to yours.

That’s it. That’s it! And the comments? “OH MY GOD! I TAPED THIS TO MY FRIDGE!” “You are making me cry.”

Shit.

Meanwhile, the Mr. Blog Creed:

1- Your blog sucks.

2- So do you.

Example C- “How To Manipulate the Girl of Your Dreams”

Sample-

Every relationship has a “pimp” and a “ho” involved. Which one you happen to be, is up for interpretation. Make no mistake though…  you are either a “pimp” or a “ho.”

Someone has to have the power. It could be you or your boyfriend, but one of you is the leader – the shot caller. The Pimp.

One of you makes the decisions. What movie you’re going to see, what you’re going to have for dinner, you name it.

Traditionally, that role has been the man’s, but nowadays it’s pretty much 50/50 and depends on the people involved.

When you’re the “ho,” the one who has little power, your happiness is dependant on whether or not your pimp is happy. If they’re not, then you’re in for some shit. If they are, they you will be also – for the time being.

Written by, of course, a geeky white guy from New Jersey.

And he starts his blog with a 48-point font plea to subscribe to his blog. What the Hell does he think he is? Funny?

And people loved it! They couldn’t give it enough kudos!

I want to send Mr. Know-It-All (currently on vaction in Britney’s rehab) to kick his a-hole ass all over the yard.

Example D- “Obscure Shit About Me”

Sample-

I have taken a shit on top of some of the highest points in this continent. Empire State Building, Sears Tower, Trans America Building, CN Tower, and The World Trade Center to name a few. As a matter of fact, I had to go once but I decided to pinch up because I was going to the Renaissance Center in Detroit a bit later. That’s right fuckers… I planned that shit out.

(So have I, but you don’t hear me bragging about it.)

Again, Dear Readers, I remind you that this comes from one of the most popular blogs. What does this say about the web?

Example E- “Yikes”

Sample- 

I was In Hawaii last week. Got a terrible cold and sinus infection. I was laying in bed this past Monday and Tuesday trying to get over it. Hmm… It’s been days and I am still feeling pretty lousy.
As I lay there half alive watching TV I saw the promo that I was going to be on Oprah this next Monday!
Yikes! I think to myself. IT’S REALLY HAPPENING! I BETTER GET IT TOGETHER AND START MAKING MY WAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY!
I call the doctor.
The doctor said, “Don’t fly”.
I get on the plane to LA.
I land.
My ear is clogged… Okay, It’s REALLY uncomfortable but I will give it a few hours……. I think.
A day later, I’m deaf in my right ear, completely clogged.
I call the doctor.
He says, “this happened because you flew. “

This was written by the actual “celebrity” and “musician” Lisa Marie Presley, who felt the need to add at the end P.S. “Actually this story IS meant to be comical, It’s okay to not take it seriously.”

P.S.- If you need to tell people something is funny, it isn’t funny.

The King’s daughter. Just another celebutard who thinks we care about her little clogged ear when we have to GET UP AND WORK FOR A LIVING, even if our lungs are ready to leap out and go to the doctor all by themselves.

So what’s the bottom line?

(Besides “it is really easy to write a blog when I let other people do it for me.”)

The bottom line is that I would rather be me than popular.