From My Notebook

from November 10, 2007

Ya know I’ve got this notepad. I carry it around in my pocket and I write stuff in it. Like I wrote some notes about the yearbook website and I also drew the first sketch of the cover in it. I’ve also got a phone number written down but I didn’t put a name so I have no idea who or what it is. I’ve got a couple of lists of songs to download on iTunes and some other stuff.

But the thing the notepad gets used most for is stuff that really strikes me as funny for the blog (yeah, like there’s been anything funny in my blogs) and a lot of it is out of context. So for every detailed page of notes on Mr. Orcini the gym teacher, there are a dozen scrawled lines like ” I was the straightest guy in that bathroom” that have no context whatsoever and I have no clue what they were about. (Man, what bathroom was that anyway?)

So here are some Out Of Context Classics. Sit back and enjoy!

(Or log off and check out something on Youtube. Your call.)

– “The worst poker game since Tommy shot Spider!”

This is a Goodfellas reference. Tommy, played by Master Thespian Joe Pesci, shot Spider for the crime of being a little slow, and again for the further crime of actually being a little put out by the first shooting.  Jimmy (played by a little known actor making his debut named Robert DeNiro. Whatever happened to him?) complained that “I got no lime, you gotta dig the hole.” Classy, those gangsters. Sounds pretty funny too. A poker game would have to be pretty bad to equal that. But where will I ever use it?

– “Great Shades of Satan!”

I wish I could take credit for that one. I love that line. But truth be told, I swiped it. (And half of good writing is simply knowing what to swipe. But swipe any of my stuff and I’ll sue.) It was exclaimed by Gomez Addams on the Addams Family episode where Lurch, the moaning, monosyllabic Frankenstein-like butler, against all odds, not to mention logic, became a rock star. I’ve got to tell you, John Astin has never gotten his due. Whether playing Gomez or Buddy, Harry’s father on Night Court, John Astin is always funny. For example, who will ever forget the episode where Gomez and Pugsley went to the basement to play with their model trains and derailed them by blowing up the bridge! Classic! (What? You liked The Munsters better? Get out of here, Heathen!)

-“Putzmeister.”

Saw that one on the side of a truck. It is actually the name of a construction company. It just sounds so hysterical. As long as you know that “putz” means “penis.”

– “Damn bully pre-calculus professors.”

This just popped into my head for no reason at all. Did I mention it to you? Were we talking about pre-calc professors? Help me here- where did that come from? Anyway, I like it and when I write about my great-granduncle Barney B. Jacobs who taught at Harvard University but was kicked out for betting on Yale I’m sure I’ll mention them.

– “The Hustler Book of Sexy Sea Stories.”

It is a little unfair putting this here. I know exactly where this will be used. My only problem is that I need to come up with the proper wording. I am maybe going to change it to “The Hustler Book of Salty Sea Stories” so I can “confuse” the terms salty seamen and salty semen in a funny way. (This is why I don’t write for Penthouse Letters.)

-“Looks like something that fell out of the herpes tree.”

Another swipe. This needs no explanation. Just imagine how bad someone must look if she fell out of the herpes tree. And who would be climbing in a herpes tree, anyway? Look, if you think too hard you think the funny right out of it. Laugh and move on.

– “Because I’m stupid like that.”

-“I’m the biggest idiot in the room.”

 More self-deprecating humor here. (Perhaps self-defecating would be better, I don’t know.) Anyway, this is funny because we all know that, really, I am usually the smartest guy in the room. I am just too modest and humble to point it out. I always like to look out for the little people. Makes them feel special. (No, not you, Dear Readers. You are all brilliant and beautiful.)

So there you go. Just a few of my as-yet unused Out Of Context Classics. I’m sure that I might use some of them in the future. And why not? These are already written. Why should I waste time coming up with new stuff?