Pirates of The Caribbean 2: 2 Long, 2 blah

7 Nov

from July 12, 2006

I saw the first Pirates film when it came out and I liked it. That said, that movie must have left zero lasting impression on me because, when viewing the sequel, I had a bad case of the “huhs?”, as in “Huh? Who is that guy?” and “Huh? Should this be important?” and “Huh? Where’s my bag of gummi bears?”

Role call:
Orlando Bloom. (To save time, I’ll just call him Legolas because that was a much better role in a much better film.) Legolas spent a lot of this film dripping wet. Not in a gay “look at his chest” way but in a “jeez, he looks uncomfortable” way. That man needed a towel.

Keira Knightley. I’ll call her Tomboy becuase she looked much more believable as a flat-chested boy than as a sexy woman. I personally know women much hotter than her. (Check my friends.) I’d have preferred it if she spent the film dripping wet.

Bill Nighy. The squid-guy. They should have just cast some unknown guy in the mask and paid him bare minimum, because putting a real actor inside of a get-up like that is just a waste of money. I bet Bill Nighy wasn’t even in the movie. They just put his name on the credits to snare some British boxoffice. Who could tell the difference?

Johnny Depp. I’ll deal with him in due time.

The plot. As far as I could tell, Legolas and Tomboy were arrested for helping Captain Depp escape prison in the first film. That was apparantly not the escape we see at the same time, when Capt. Depp floats out of prison in a coffin. Did you know that they actually made a toy of that? It’s true. Go to TRU and check it out. It’s Depp in a coffin rowing with a leg bone. No wonder the youth of today are screwed up.

Legolas is offered a deal- get the supernatural compass from Depp and and he can go free. He takes the deal. Meanwhile, Tomboy attempts her own escape.

Depp went through the dreaded Nautical Ass-Rape Prison just to get a sketch of key. It was sketched on a piece of real human foreskin, which shows you how tough the prison is.

The British dude and Depp are really both after the same thing- the key to Davy Jones Locker Room. If you can get into the locker room, not only will you get control of Davy Jones’ beating heart but you’ll also be able to peep into the women’s locker room, giving every pirate on the all-male pirate ship a reason to go on. Really, it isn’t such a good life on a ship. the pirates are all A- filthy and B- all men, as I said, so it’s either exercise iron will, rape the prettiest guy, or jack off. Obviously, the key to Davy Jones Locker Room is a hot commodity.

There’s also a pardon signed by the King that some scurvy guy from the first film is eager to get. So to get up to speed, at various times, people in the film are after:
1- the compass
2- the key
3- the chest
4- the pardon
5- the Tomboy
6- the Captain’s hat

Meanwhile, there was a pointless excursion to an island of cannibals where the crew played atlasphere. Remember American Gladiators? Atlasphere was the event where a guy was placed into a giant sphere and he had to race another guy, all the while bumping him away from the target. It is a noted historical fact that pirates invented atlasphere and I was very glad that Gore Verbinski went for accuaracy here.

Legolas runs into his father, Buccaneer Bob, who is slowly turning into a sea anemone.

Davy Jones unleashes the kracken, a giant squid. It is worth pointing out that this is not the same Davy Jones whom Marcia Brady had a crush on and invited to the school prom. I wish someone had told me. I was looking forward to hearing him sing “Daydream Believer” on the big screen. Anyway, we never really see the squid, just lots and lots of tentacles. This is the same technique employed by Ed Wood in Bride of the Monster. Big budget my eye.

The film just went on. Like the Disney ride, it just moved from one big sequence to another. The “plot” (and I’m streching here) didn’t really matter. Need a voodoo preistess? Throw one in. Want to see a swordfight on a rolling wheel? OK! How about lots of dead amphibian sailors? Do it!

It got to the point where I forgot who wanted what, and I didn’t really care. The kracken was disappointing, the action was blah, and I didn’t really care for any of the characters.

To be fair, I wasn’t bored and I liked parts of it. Nothing in the movie was bad, but there was nothing in it that required me to turn my brain on. Typical Jerry Bruckheimer summer filler.

OK, time to deal with Depp. He was the main reason why the film flopped for me. How  could you like him? He was not likeable in any way. He always acted cowardly, drunk, or like a cowardly drunk. At times he seemed stoned, other times you wish he was. He walked like one of Jerry’s Kids and talked like he had a mouth full of seaweed. He did nothing to inspire confidence, and it honestly pissed me off that Tomboy could actually have feelings for him. Him? If Johnny Depp actually acted that way in real life he would have had the crap kicked out of him in the parking lot behind Stuckey’s down in Alabama a long time ago. The rednecks down there don’t fool around.

The Black Pearl was destroyed in what was suppossed to be a big emotional scene. It wasn’t. When they blew up the Enterprise in Star Trek III it was a big deal- that ship was around for 40 years. The Black Pearl was around for one film and did nothing special. It didn’t defeat the Romulans in the Neutral Zone. The Black Pearl didn’t beat the Klingons on 19 different occassions. The Black Pearl never traveled back in time and changed Earth history. And Captain Kirk could beat Jack Sparrow with his wig tied behind his back.

Mostly, I just wanted Depp to act like a man! He was a girly-man at the center of a semi-action flick. Legolas is too much of  a pretty-boy to pick up the slack. This film needed Russel Crowe’s character from Master and Commander to show up and sort things out.

Bottom line: This film made a crap-load of money. Why?

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