Tag Archives: News of the Weird

Grandpa, No!

17 Nov

November 17, 2010

I’ve been mining News of the Weird pretty hard lately. Why? It keeps me from writing about reality TV. Of course, “Noots” is always good for a laugh, and if I see an Asian Paul Teutul I’ll post the picture, but on the whole, I think Shakespeare said it best in Hamlet:

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

In other words, no matter what stupidity you see on TV, the real world can always beat it for shear ridiculousness. I wonder what The Bard would think of Jersey Shore?

So here is today’s news nugget. I warn you, this one is uncomfortable.

About 20 percent of Japan‘s adult-video market is now “elder porn” with each production featuring one or more studly seniors and Shigeo Tokuda, 76, among the most popular. He told Toronto‘s Globe and Mail in October that he still “performs” physically “without Viagra,” in at least one role a month opposite much younger women. His wife and adult daughter learned only two years ago, by accident, of his late-onset career (which began at age 60 when a filmmaker hired him for his “pervert’s face”). Tokuda figures the “elder porn” genre will grow with Japan‘s increasing senior population. [Globe and Mail, 10-3-10]

Sigh.

Take a  break, drink a glass of water, I’ll wait.

Anyway, here he is, in one of the only pictures I feel even remotely comfortable posting.

Don't lose that loincloth!

The article claims he was hired for his “pervert’s face.” In Japan that gets you a job in porn. In America that gets you on the sexual predator list.

This is just a small, albeit gross, example, of the problem with health care: there’s too much of it. It’s too good. People are healthier and living longer, and this is the result.

More uncomfortable information from wikipedia. which is nearing the five-hundredth correct entry mark:

Male actors are usually anonymous in Japanese porn but Tokuda is now featured in his own branded series of videos for Ruby with actresses of various ages. Another studio specializing in elder porn is Glory Quest which launched the “old manseries Maniac Training of Lolitas in December 2004 and when that became popular, had Tokuda star with a variety of young AV actresses in the Forbidden Elderly Care (Forbidden Nursing) series beginning in August 2006. An additional series Big Tits Loving Grandfather Erotic Mischief* for Glory Quest began in April 2008. Not all of Tokuda’s roles involve sex and he enjoys acting different roles. He has said he hopes to be able to continue working in adult videos until he is 80 (with a laugh).

*isn’t that title a bit long for this sort of thing?

If you’ve stuck around this long without clicking away to something that doesn’t make you feel skeevy, you may be wondering how his family feels about all of this.

The 5 foot 3 inch slightly paunchy former “salaryman” is married with two children and a grandson. He says his wife of 45 years suspects he plays some role in the porn industry but doesn’t ask any questions and he has kept his “star” status a secret.

How? He’s been in over 350 of those things. He must have a Clark Kent thing going on.

TOKUDA: (to himself) Oh no! It is almost time to film another porn!
(to wife) I’m going out for the paper and some milk.

                   (takes off his glasses, takes out his loincloth.)
WIFE: OK, enjoy your walk.
(pause)
WIFE: How come I never see Tokuda and Big Tits Loving Grandfather in the same place? Oh well, time to fire up the DVD player.

Japan is a country of 127,360,000people. They have a life expectancy rate of 81.25 years and about 20% of the population is over 65 years old. This was bound to happen.

NewsFLASH! The News with 62% More FLASH!

22 Oct

October 22, 2010

Short and sweet- more absolutely real news from my number one news source, News of the Weird. If only FOX news carried this instead of Glenn Beck I’d be a happy man. Actually, If they’d carry anything but Glenn Beck I’d be OK with it.

First up is a feel good story. Imagine you were adopted and, after 33 years, finally found your birth mother. Even better- your mother is a carny sideshow freak.

Read on.

In a heartwarming climax to an adopted son’s emotional search for his birth mother (who gave him up for adoption 33 years ago), Richard Lorenc of Kansas managed to track down mom Vivian Wheeler, 62, living in Bakersfield, Calif., where she is retired — as a circus-sideshow “bearded lady.” Lorenc said he can see their similarities right through Wheeler’s beard, which she keeps now at a length of 11 inches. The relationship was to be confirmed by a DNA test paid for by the Maury Povich TV show, but at press time, the result had not been announced. [AOL News, 9-16-10, 9-21-10]

Thanks Maury! I’ve got my TiVo ready for this one!

From my Lucky to be Alive? department:

A 23-year-old man on Chicago‘s South Side is still alive after he reported being shot twice on Sept. 17 by different people in different neighborhoods. He was shot above the armpit just after midnight, was treated and released at a hospital, and then was shot again in the leg about 10 hours later. [Chicago Sun-Times, 9-17-10]

I don’t believe this is a case of bad luck. This is a case of the victim being the most annoying man in the world. You know the type of guy. He goes to McDonald’s and complains loudly that the Whopper is better. He goes to a movie and sneaks in his own snacks, and the crinkling of the tin foil is never-ending. He has something stupid to say about everything and he is always wrong. He gets on the train and —- wait a minute, this was the South Side of Chicago? South Side? And he was only shot twice? I take it back, this is one lucky man.

Speaking of shootings….

During a shootout in New York City on Aug. 8, Angel Alvarez, 23, was brought down in a hail of gunfire and taken to Harlem Hospital, where doctors saved his life, though they found 21 bullet wounds (Alvarez’s lawyer said 23). Alvarez’s sister called her brother’s miraculous survival “ridiculous.” [New York Daily News, 8-9-10]

Sooo, she’s happy he’s alive?

Do you know the definition of “irony”? In my dictionary, it can be found right next to the definition of “cheapskate.”

Gene Cranick, who lives outside the city of South Fulton, Tenn., was offered firefighter service by the city for an annual $75 fee but declined to pay. In September, firefighters stood by watching as Cranick’s home burned to the ground. (They had been called to the scene by Cranick’s neighbor, who had paid the fee and feared Cranick’s fire might spread to his property.) [WPSD-TV (Paducah, Ky.), 9-30-10]

I guess the $75 trumps any moral obligation the firemen might have had to save his house. On a related note, Cranick also refused to pay for his sanitation and good for him. After all, the fire took care of the trash for free.

And lastly, and I mean lastly, from the No Way am I Doing that Tattoo! department:

Justin Witcombe, 31, showed a reporter in Geelong, Australia, in September his full body of tattoos of his three idols in life: boxer Mike Tyson, the rock group KISS, and his local Collingwood soccer team, whose mascot is inked prominently on Witcombe’s penis. [Newkerala.com-Asian News International, 9-24-10]

I did a Google search and ladies, imagine this coming at you:

I feel sorry for everyone involved.