Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

I Attempt to Translate Facebook Status Updates.

12 Jun

June 12, 2010

Hi. Do you hate Facebook like me? Sure, we all do.

Yes, FB gives us plenty of reasons to hate it, like sharing all of our personal information with telemarketers in India. Sure, it owns all of our personal vacation photos so we shouldn’t be too surprised when our Hawaiian beach shots turn up in condom adds. And of course, FB games download so much malicious content into your PC that your hard drive would be better off infected with maggots, but none of those are the reason I hate Facebook.

I hate Facebook because it gives every illiterate pre-lobotomy nose picker the chance to show the world how stupid they are.

What follows are actual status updates I’ve found by trolling my friends’ FB pages and seeing the updates of people who linked to them. For the record, I have less than 2 dozen “friends” there, all of whom can spell both their first and last names, unlike this bunch.

What I’ve tried to do, where possible, is to decipher whatever the hell their status updates are trying to say, and wherever possible, make some sense of it.

Here we go. (Take a deep breath and a strong drink. Most of these are recent NYC high school grads.)

watchin transformers, love this movie.

OK, not really hard. The poster is watching Transformers, a movie she loves. Fair enough. But wait, she loves the movie, so she had to tear herself away from the movie to tell people that she is watching the movie? So she paused the movie, told people she was watching the movie, and went back to the movie? Or she was on the computer anyway during her favorite movie and decided to tell people she was watching the movie, which she clearly wasn’t while she was on Facebook? And who cares anyway?

Goin out 2 the city wit ma wife and niece…6ut first gotta drop 6y to ma sis to quench ma thirst.

Hmm. Here is a man with nothing to drink in his house. I’m not sure I’d be too proud of that.

wants to major engineering.

Really? So do I. but first tell me how you “major” something. I suspect the poster means “wants to do some major engineering,” which in this case must mean “make a big sandwich” because I’m not sure he’ll major “in” engineering.

in dha house chillin w| my one and onli x3 ily so much 🙂 yu brighten up my day love yu.

“I’m having such a wonderful time with my you, my love, be back in ten minutes after I jump on Facebook and update my status.” I imagine two people, in separate rooms in the same house, instant messaging each other back and forth. Ah, modern love.

i spend da day gettin my hair done n more shit pops off but i noe how u doin shit now o man imma violate u so bad jus keep it up keep it up………..

Is she mad at her hair?

why do those go back in life and not go foward if they know they’ve been hurt before, rather than to live the life they have now and be happy and settle for what’s infront of them????

This is one of those Back to the Future things, where you go back in time and your picture starts to fade, right?

I have to admit, this is harder than I thought. Anyway, you know all the rules about internet security, about how you limit access to your personal information and never give out certain info at all? This next person was asleep the nine thousand times she heard that message:

Nosey bitch stop fuccin bein concerned about shit that I do or make accusations about my friends … but ill let u noe something this since u wanna go play informa … I attend Medgar Evers College I work full time at Victoria Secret and I’m putting myself through a CNA course at Mannhattan Institute … I dont have no kids my boyfriend is in VA educated and making his money … NOW GO RUN TELL THAT BITCH!

This one made me laugh:

Good morning FB, I’m working on a Saturday. Its a good thing that i’m getting paid overtime for these hrs.

I suspect this guy starts everyday with “good morning sun. Good morning toothbrush. Good morning toilet.” You get the idea. I bet he gets punched a lot.

why do ppl say God has never failed me yet? he will never fail u so dot say “yet.”

God may not have failed you, but I bet your English teacher did.

I FEEL SO GUD TODAY…HAD A TALK WIT MY BABYFATHER’S MOTHER ND SHE MADE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER…EVEN THO IT TOOK ME A MINTUE TO TELL HER SHE IS HAPPY TO WELCOME MY BABY N HER FAMILY….LMAO AT DONNELL UR ON MOMMYS SHYT LIST.

I had to make a flowchart for this one:

status flowchart

That’s it. Time for two Advils and back to bed. This gave me a raging headache.

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My Review of America’s Got Talent

9 Jun

June 9, 2010

No, it does not.

Well, sort of. Depends on how you define “talent.”

(No, this is not a “depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is” Clintonian obfuscation. [Impressed with that? I am a  writer.])

America’s Got Talent is, logically, judged by two Brits. Why? Because:
A- It is based on a British show, where it was called “America’s Got Talent- British Edition.”
B- They gave us the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and we gave them Clay Aiken so they have a pretty big mad on.
C- We saved their butts in WWII and this is how they repay us?

Brit Number One is Piers Morgan, a Brit so nasty he insists that everyone call him “Piers” when the natural American inclination is to call him “Pierce,” or “hey you.” I like the guy but his name bugs me. 

BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE:
“Piers” reminds me of the disused piers I photographed in Atlantic City, and the British accent reminds me of Doctor Who. “Disused piers,” in addition to being a good name for an album, together with the accent, remind me of Patrick Troughton worrying over a “disused Yeti” he thought he heard mentioned when it was really a “disused jetty.” And of course, jetties are piers, so you can see how my mind works. (At about 1/2 speed, frankly.)
END OF BRIEF POINTLESS ASIDE. BACK TO POINTLESS REVIEW:

Brit Number Two is Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osbourne’s caregiver. Ozzy has long gone beyond the point of needing a wife, and Sharon Osbourne, much like Nancy Reagan to Ronald, is now left to take care of her once vital husband. Ozzy sometimes becomes lucid enough to sing “Crazy Train” while Sharon is now a full time celebrity.

Judge Number Three is actually American, Howie Mandel. Howie used to be a standup comedian, he claims. I have found no actual proof of that claim. We know him now as the parrot on Deal or No Deal. This season he replaces David Hasselhoff as the token American. While The Hoff was, arguably, usually drunk, Howie’s bald head makes him look like a penis, so it is a wash as to who is the better judge.

Nick Cannon is the host and I find him kind of funny on the show. Even funnier is the fact that he is married to Mariah Carey. I will not make fun of him. Move along.

The format of the show is simple. In fact, it is the same format as every other TV talent show, like American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, Dancing With the Stars, America’s Best Dance Team, Last Comic Standing, The X Factor, and Sig Hansens’s Celebrity Alaskan Crab Fishing. Acts come on and the judges either tell them they suck or pass them on to the next round. America’s Got Talent is unique in that, umm, gimme a minute, um, it has big light up “X’s” when the acts get buzzed. Yeah, the show really stands out.

The Talent. Ah, the talent. The show gets a lot of singers, and some of them can actually sing. Last week there was a group made up of formerly homeless veterans and they sang beautifully. This week there was a 49 year old Jersey goombah and his 72 year old dad. Could they sing? X

There are also dancers. One dancer pranced around with his puppy, who walked to the side of the stage and went to sleep. X

There was a guy in a metal suit who threw electricity around, a flame-throwing magician, and a half-blind woman swinging flaming swords. See a pattern here?

For the record, only the blind woman got the X because the judges were afraid they might get killed. The wusses.

There was a guy who played 4 harmonicas at once, a bad singer from New Jersey, if you can believe it, a drag queen who sang opera, and a couple of really bad white rappers.

There was a dog act, a magic act, and some guy who fell on the floor and pretended to have a stroke.

My favorite so far? The comedian who told this joke:

“My friend asked me what animal I’d like to be. I said an eagle. He asked me why. I said so I could sex with eagles.”

CROWN THAT MAN!  AMERICA’S GOT TALENT!

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