Tag Archives: Free Rick

American Chopper: Sr. vs. Jr. Late December 2010 Double Buffoon

30 Dec

December 30, 2010

For the final American Chopper (not quite so) Weekly Rundown of 2010 I am recapping the last two episodes in one blog. Why? Because I fell behind somewhere along the line.

As usual, let’s get the least important part of the show out of the way, the bikes. On the OCC side, they completed the Chicago Blackhawks bike. It was nice. I am way past being impressed by their bikes anymore. But it had a nice paintjob and since I think they do those things in-house now, nice job on the paint. What’s next for OCC? A bike for the Hair Club for Men.

Seriously? The Hair Club for Men?

Paul Sr. had an evaluation and they determined that they could move some hair from his neck-mustache to the top of his head. Remember, he’s not just a loudmouth jerk, he’s also a client.

Paulie finished a bike for a company that makes, I think, corrugated roll-up gates and pre-fab garages. Again, the paint job made the bike, but I have to admit that Vinnie did a nice job on the gas tank. The woman running the company was so, let’s just say unprofessional, that you wonder how she managed not to run her company into the ground.

But as always, the bikes have been irrelevant to the show the last few years.

The Battle for Rick (“Free Rick! Free Rick!”) heated up as Paulie sent one of Rick’s friends, who was working for PJD, to see the OCC bikes. While there, he asked Sr. if it would be OK for Rick to visit PJD. On camera, Sr. said “yes.” Off camera, Sr. said “no.” Rick never did go to PJD, proving that Sr. is an overbearing tool trying to control everyone around him. It felt like the old Soviet era, where we’d live up to our end of a missile treaty and the Soviets would pull out for, as Sr. put it, “legal reasons.”

Rick is one of, probably the only, genuinely nice guys at  OCC. Other than Rick, I guess I feel sorry for Gus.

Gus is Paul Sr.’s dog, who had a front leg amputated and was just fitted with a pair of wheels to help aid his disability.

Ironically, Sr. is even turning his dog into a motorcycle.

On the other hand, he did go to therapy. Somehow it took a trip to a petting zoo where he fed some carrots to another hairy beast, but at least he went.

That was one of the conditions set by Mikey before they could reconcile. Sr., fool that he is, really does seem to want to have a relationship with Mikey so he went and seemed to be honest and forthright. Was this enough for Mikey? Would you be shocked if it wasn’t?

“Doctor/patient confidentiality” stems from the Hippocratic Oath, which all medical practitioners take.

The Oath of Hippocrates, traditionally sworn to by newly licensed physicians, includes the promise that “Whatever, in connection with my professional service, or not in connection with it, I see or hear, in the life of men, which ought not to be spoken of abroad, I will not divulge, as reckoning that all such should be kept secret.”

In other words, if you tell it to a doctor, he keeps his mouth shut.

So of course the therapist repeated everything Sr. said directly to Mikey, word for word, including his analysis and opinion. It also didn’t help that the session was taped and televised.

Mikey should have been happy. Sr. satisfied one of his requirements. But no, he wasn’t Why? Because Sr. only went as a favor to Mikey. Mikey wanted him to go because Sr. really wanted to go. So Mikey, like Linus in the pumpkin patch before him, wasn’t happy with the sincerity around him and he bailed on the agreement.

It also didn’t help that Paulie got in Mikey’s ear and manipulated him against their father before their father could manipulate him against Paulie.

But it wasn’t all therapy and three-legged dogs for Sr. After spending some quality time destroying a door, he sent look-alike buffoon over to Paulie’s shop.

Some guy showed up at OCC looking just like Sr., at least at first glance. Sure he’s a bit shorter, and his voice a bit higher, but he had the same neck-mustache, glasses, short grey hair, and fading muscle-man stature. Sr. had a laugh and sent him over to Paulie’s to pretend he was Sr. Hilarity was sure to ensue.

It did not.

After a confused second or two, the guys realized it wasn’t their father. The boys signed an autograph and Vinnie was just disgusted by the whole thing. But as the therapist pointed out to Mikey, that was really just Sr.’s stupid way of showing love.

Senior also showed love by, as usual, bad-mouthing his son. He took the whole OCC crew on a ride into the mountains where, I hoped, he’d shoot Jason and bury his body. Sadly, everyone returned. While there he had a sort of “state of OCC address” where he bad-mouthed his son and explained, again, that he had the right to buy out Paulie but Paulie reneged, disagreeing on the evaluated fair-market value of OCC.

He didn’t mention that due to some underhanded manipulation the value of OCC was zero. Not “about zero,” not “almost zero,” but absolute zero. Paulie’s 20% is valueless. Logically, Sr.’s 80% is also valueless, which makes you wonder why he’s working so hard.

Many of you have been wondering about Cody. I have no idea what’s up with him, but we did an Odie sighting. After royally screwing up the Blingstar ATV, this week he did grunt work and kept his mouth shut.

So that’s it, other than Mikey’s foray into living as an adult died and he gave up his studio and moved back into Paulie’s shop.

Let’s hope that in 2011 the American Chopper crew can manage to stay just as stupid as they did in 2010.

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American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior Episode II: Attack of the Clowns

22 Aug

August 22, 2010

Due to what I laughingly call “popular demand,” I continue my episode rundowns of American Chopper: Senior Vs. Junior. This week: Episode II: Attack of the Clones.

(If anyone out there has an idea for a banner for this feature, or actually would like to make one, please email me. Otherwise we are stuck with this crappy one)

The episode  opened with what has become the least important part of the show over the years, the bikes. This week, the ADD crew, I mean OCC crew, are building a bike for Window World, an exciting company which designs and builds…. wait for it…. windows.

Have you noticed that the guys are building bikes for lower profile companies lately? This week it is a window company, and last week it was an internet company no one ever heard of. What happened to bikes for the NFL? OK, they made a bike for Lowe’s, but the unveiling was held in aisle six of their local store, next to the lug nuts, attended by several employees who happened to be on schedule that day and a guy looking for Allen keys.

I think next week they are building a bike for toast and tap water.

So after some shilling for Windows World (“Wow, $189,” Senior marveled.) Senior went back to doing what he does best- spying on his son. First he drove past Jr.’s new shop in his totally inconspicuous bright yellow sports car, then he scoured the internet looking for news about Paulie. At first all he found were WWII Bugs Bunny propaganda cartoons, but he eventually found an obscure little site called TMZ and found some dirt. Above a picture of Paulie a headline read “I will destroy my father!” What Senior really wanted was to overthrow the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son, but if Luke wanted it this way, so be it.

But the challenge “idear” was in his head, and, for some reason, he challenged his son to a cross-country race, which his smiling OCC sycophant assured him he would win. He bragged that he would beat Paulie in anything, and the show cut to commercial before Sr. could challenge Jr. to a goldfish swallowing contest.

What was Junior doing around this time? Not much. He and Vinnie were cleaning the empty shop, but they were spending most of their time mooning over Rick and wondering how they could get him away from OCC. They want “Free Rick” t-shirts, a “Free Rick” sit in, and even a “Free Rick” All-Star Celebrity Concert. They sure must love him.

"FREE RICK!"

Of course, this raises the question, how is Paulie paying anyone? Monopoly money? Why would Rick, who I am sure has a nice salary plus health care and other benefits, want to leave all that and work for Paulie’s IOU’s? Let me save you some fretting-  he won’t.

News spreads faster around the OCC shop than on an episode of Gossip Girl, and soon Sr. found out that his son was asking his vendors for free machines. And really, that isn’t a bad idea. They’ve had a good relationship with Paulie over the years, and they’ve done a lot of business together, and they’ll get exposure on American Chopper. However, there are a few drawbacks. Yes, they worked well with Jr., but Sr. signed the checks. Sure, they did a lot of business together, but that was (and still is) with OCC, not Paul Jr. Designs. (And by the way, isn’t that the worst logo you ever saw?) And lastly, they already get exposure on American Chopper, so Paulie really has nothing to offer. He even threw in one of Vinnie’s V-Force hats but no one was interested.

Around this time, in the funniest moments of the show, Paul Sr. stressed the importance of family and relationships. That’s why his business works so well. Family and relationships. Ha ha hahaha, hooo, I can’t even type that without laughing.

After the commercial break, a caption on-screen read “Fabrication Day 4” and I had no idea what it meant. It took me a couple of minutes, but then I remembered that this show was, at some time in the past, about building bikes.

Rick, ever loveable, handsome, and target of Paulie’s unrequited love, dared to point out to Sr. that, just maybe, if looked at from the right angle, the handle bars on the Window World bike made it, just possibly, a little bit impossible to ride.

“Shut the F### up! I thought you were minding your own business!” Senior responded in his best managerial growl. (“Family and relationships,” I remind you, Dear Readers, “Family and Relationships.”)

This continued a trend this season of OCC insulting their former bikes, which, you may recall, were designed by Paulie. “Remember the I Robot bike?” Senior snarled. “The handle bars were awful. You couldn’t ride it.” I’m sure the studio that shelled out thousands of dollars for it was thrilled to hear that.

Since there is never a dull moment around OCC, the window company sent over a jet- powered ATV so they could test the jet exhaust against some windows.  Why does Window World own a jet powered ATV? I have no clue, but I hear that Fiberama has a nuclear Skidoo.

Not to be outdone, Senior unveiled his own mustache-powered ATV.

Don’t you dare think for a second that Paul Jr. designs has not been a hive of activity. While OCC was busy building bikes and shooting rocket blasts at windows, Mikey brought over some piece of crap he finger-painted and the guys hung it from the ceiling. Memo to Mikey. Check your meds and keep your doctor appointments.

Continuing the “Family and Relationships” theme, some kids from Window World who lost their father came to OCC so they could add their handprints to the bike’s paint job. Showing what a wonderful father he must have been, Senior Hulked around behind them and intimidated the kids into sticking their hands in buckets of cold paint. What a role model.

The show ended with Paulie standing in the middle of his nearly empty shop, with no business in sight, wondering what he will do, while Senior test-drove his newest creation.

The following quote, I swear, I did not make up:

“The bikes keep getting better and better. It’s really stretched out so you have to lean on it, hurts the back a little bit.”

That is Senior in a nutshell. What is riding a bike without a little bit of back pain? And what is raising a son without a little bit of emotional torture?

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