Tag Archives: 1970’s

In Search of… Satanic Cults, Demonic Possession, and Zombies

7 Feb
February 7, 2011
Although satanic cults have been documented since the dark days of antiquity, it wasn’t until the 1968 documentary Rosemary’s Baby that the everyday menace of old folks worshipping the devil in their classy condominiums came to the public’s awareness. In the film, Rosemary’s husband, John Cassavetes (played by John Cassavetes in a dual role as himself and himself) met a sweet little cabal of nice old devil worshippers who, in the film’s terror-filled climax, forced Mia Farrow to cut off most of her hair and go through the bulk of the film in a little boy hairdo.


Rosemary’s Baby opened the floodgates (of Hell) and you couldn’t go to a beach, drive on a lonely stretch of road, or break down in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere without being beset by scores of devil worshippers determined to either kill you or make you bear Satan’s love child. (It was kind of like the relationship Tina Turner had with Ike.) And the movies were even worse. Especially if William Shatner was involved.

 

Average 1970's Black Mass.

In fact, 1973 brought another Hollywood expose of the evil that surrounds us. The Exorcist was the harrowing true-life account of Linda Blair, whose extreme allergic reactions to pea soup caused Satan to possess her body and destroy any chances of her ever getting a decent film role again. Poor Linda Blair, her acting career barely begun, would from then on be relegated to such films as Roller Boogie (1979) and Zapped Again! (1990). If those films don’t prove Satan exists I don’t know what does.

 

Demonic possession isn’t limited to young, weak-willed white women. Even someone with a strong and outgoing personality can be taken over. For instance, in the pitiable and tragic case of Flip Wilson, his every move was forced upon him by Satan. “The Devil made me do it!” was his tragic wail, but it did him no good at trial when he was found to be mentally incompetent on the basis of a split personality, one of whom, Geraldine, was always heralding the return of her satanic boyfriend, known simply as “Killer.”

Satan still walks among us and exercises his considerable might. Though Tipper Gore and her crusade for music censorship was, let’s face it, stupid, she was correct about certain facts. The music industry has long been the breeding ground for Satanism. The brutal Blue Oyster Cult has been linked to a score of ritual killings across the Southwest and their hideous mantra “don’t fear the reaper” found spray painted in many desecrated churches. Today’s most hideous cult leader is known for the awful atonal chanting which causes the intense brainwashing of thousands of teenage girls. Despite many efforts to stop him, Justin Bieber is still at large.

"Kill, my minions! Blood for Bieber!"

The most tragic case in the annals of music is that of Robert Bartleh Cummings, who died in a car accident in 1977 but was brought back to life through a witch doctor’s black magic spell. Doomed to wander through all eternity, Rob Zombie is a shambling hulk who speaks only of the dead. There is little hope of his resurrection, as demonic possession is 9/10’s of the law.

A zombie, Rob.

Rob Zombie’s home video, Living Dead Girl, depicts the sad fate of a young girl who went to a Rob Zombie concert and made the mistake of breathing. Studies have shown that the atmosphere at an average Rob Zombie concert is about 2% oxygen and the other 98% against the law.

 

The Living Dead Girl, whom I will call Michelle for no particular reason at all. Seriously, she doesn't remind me of anybody.

Although television shows like The Walking Dead and movies like Night of the Living Dead glamorize the zombie lifestyle, and films like Deuce Bigalow somehow keep the career of Rob Schneider alive (c’mon- there had to be a pact with the Devil there) there is little to recommend the satanic lifestyle. Wearing flowing robes and black makeup, drinking cattle blood, the decapitation of small animals, and sex with cloven-footed half-goat satyrs may all sound really cool but there can be a downside. For example, if you get elected to a political office you may have to stop wearing the robes. In general, dealings with Satan should be left to televangelists, the Ivory Soap corporation, and Alan Moore.

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You’re a Wonder, Wonder Woman.

20 Dec

December 20, 2010

If It Ain’t Broke, TV, Please Don’t fix It.

Remember this theme song?

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
All the world’s waiting for you,
and the power you possess.
That promises a heck of a lot. Oh sure, she’s fighting for her rights, but if she can make a hawk a dove, and stop a war with love, then a little thing like making a liar tell the truth is nothing. Especially if she can make the Axis fold. Oh, I’ve got a feeling she’s going to win those rights.

In your satin tights,
Fighting for your rights
And the old Red, White and Blue.

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman.
Now the world is ready for you,
and the wonders you can do.

Make a hawk a dove,
Stop a war with love,
Make a liar tell the truth.

Wonder Woman,
Get us out from under, Wonder Woman.
All our hopes are pinned on you.
And the magic that you do.

Stop a bullet cold,
Make the Axis fold,
Change their minds, and change the world.

Great as that song is, couldn’t they have avoided You’re a wonder, Wonder Woman? Or was that just inevitable? And doesn’t In your satin tights/Fighting for your rights send a mixed message?

Everyone remembers this show, It was a hit and has a place in TV history. Wonder why?

Yeah, who doesn’t love Lynda Carter?

In all seriousness, Wonder Woman was a good show, with action and humor. It was entertaining and fun. It was goofy like the A-Team, in that a million shots would be fired and not a single person would get hit, but if Wonder Woman threw an ice cream cone some Nazi would get blinded. However, would you have watched it if this was Wonder Woman?

Um, right. That’s Cathy Lee Crosby as “Wonder Woman.” Somebody thought this would work. She had no powers but wore a snazzy Olympic jumpsuit and, in her pilot, fought Ricardo Montalban so give her a ten point “Chrysler Cordoba soft Corinthian leather” bonus.

Enough of that. Let’s see Lynda Carter again.

Cathy Lee Crosby wasn’t the first time they tried to bring Wonder Woman to the small screen. During the Adam west Batman era they tried to do a campy batman-esque version, and actually shot a short pilot. Here is Linda (Planet of the Apes) Harrison as Wonder Woman:

 

Hmm. Let’s go back to that theme song.

Fighting for your rights
And the old Red, White and Blue.

Or was that “flirting” for her rights?

And I’m not too confident she could make the Axis fold either.
But she could probably distract a bank robber from his poker game.

Anything I can say about the five-minute pilot would be understatement. See it for yourself:

I said that Linda Harrison starred but she really only appears when the ugly duckling looks in the mirror. Oh, I mean Wonder Ugly Duckling. She may have the strength of Hercules, but she has the confidence of a caterpillar.

I don’t know if I should feel happy that the pilot wasn’t picked up or angry the pilot wasn’t picked up. Who knows what a full season of that would have been like?

But even when they got it right they got it wrong. We all remember Wonder Woman stopping bullets,

note the wimp behind the pole

but do you remember the Wonder Woman Diving Outfit?

Or Lynda Carter in the Wonder Woman Motorcycle Outfit?

Or the Wonder Woman Skateboard Suit?

Hey, even an Amazonian princess has to wear pads and a helmet.

And from only a couple of episodes, who recalls Debra Winger as Wonder Girl?

OK, so network TV had a few stumbles getting Wonder Woman on the screen, and even after they made it, there were a couple of missteps. In the end, this is a 1970’s TV classic, and Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman a real 1970’s TV role model.

And if you still have any doubts, here she is, Lynda Carter, with Mr. Blog Hall of Famer Bruce Vilanch.

 

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