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Watching TLC’s American Chopper is getting to be like watching those creepy toddler beauty pageants. The people seem to be having fun, but you wonder how much they are being pushed behind the scenes.
Case in point: This week, Mikey Teutul decided that he needed an assistant. You can almost feel the heavy hand of the TLC producers. “We’ve got a pretty dramatic episode this week. Sr. and Jr. are going to court, Jr. can’t find a customer, we’ve got to lighten it up. I know! Mikey is comic relief, how about if he hires an assistant? Comedy gold! The guy only moves about three feet a week.”
(Before you accuse me of being paranoid- because of course reality television is reality, man! It’s real!- go back and rewatch this week’s show. In the OCC shop, shaved ape Jason, who has the IQ of only one of his sneakers, put on Paulie’s old hat and sunglasses and paraded in front of Sr. doing an actually pretty good Jr. impression. He’s lucky Sr. didn’t put his head in a vice, Three Stooges style. Senior turned to the camera and asked “did you guys put him up to this?” So don’t tell me this show doesn’t have backstage shenanigans going on.
And while I’m at it, who the Hell are all these guys putting Jr. down all of a sudden? None of them where there when the company was being built and they operated out of the back of the steel shop. These guys are all bandwagon jumpers and should shut up. Say what you want about Paulie, but Jason is a total jerk and bald-headed Mike did nothing to build the business.)
Anyway, back to topic, Mikey, who can best be charitably described as America’s Onslow, hired an assistant. To assist what? I don’t know. Buying Cheetos, maybe.
There seemed to be just one guy who answered the ad to be his assistant. Or that’s how TLC edited it. In reality (ohh, there’s that word again) I’m sure there would be hundreds of people lining up to be on American Chopper, but TLC picked, er, Mikey picked, some guy who looks like an overgrown garden gnome and who I’m sure majored in Elvin lore and pot.
This is like a stone getting a slug as an assistant. Sure, it is an improvement, but not much. He’d do much better with Christopher Hewett.
MISTER BELEVEDERE’S DUTIES AS MIKEY’S BUTLER
- Dust Mikey
- Comb stuff out of Mikey’s beard
- Tell Mikey how good his kindergarten-style artwork is
- Laugh at Mikey’s “jokes”
- Wander over to Paulie, ask him what’s up, go home.
- Keep Wesley out of the kitchen
Let’s face it, the person who really needs an assistant is this guy:
Has OCC finished the TARDIS bike yet?
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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