Archive | June, 2010

Lindsay Lohan Overdoses…on Ice Cream

25 Jun

June 25, 2010

Free Carvel Ice Cream Card

Lindsay Lohan is America’s favorite train wreck. Famous for, well, I’m not quite sure, she is currently wearing an alcohol monitor around her ankle. They tried it around her neck but Lindsay drinks so much that the monitor just melted from all the liquor fumes, thus rendering the results invalid. The ankle is as far from Lindsay’s head as they can get.

Carvel is America’s wholesome ice cream emporium. Seriously, after hot dogs at a ball game, what says “America” better than a Cookie Puss? (BTW- women can now get a cream to clear up their cookie puss in a matter of days.) Tom Carvel, the genial ancient man who for several millennium hawked Carvel ice cream, first on papyrus, later on the new Marconi wireless device, and eventually on a disc on the Pioneer 10 spacecraft meant to introduce interstellar species to Fudgie the Whale, died in 1989 but has been immortalized as a Rocky Road ice cream sculpture kept in the walk-in case of the Toledo Ohio store.

Lindsay. Carvel. Evil. Good.  It was inevitable that they meet, yet, like matter and anti-matter, inevitable that they combust.

So what happened is that Carvel is a pretty savvy firm. To celebrate their 75th anniversary, they gave out 75 cards to celebrities. Each card entitles the bearer to $25 worth of free ice cream every week for 75 years. The idea is that the celebs will get photographed entering Carvel, eating Carvel ice cream, buying a Nutty the Ghost or a Carvelog, and viola! Free publicity. (And for the record, while Carvel sells “Carvelogs” in three flavors, I was sure that a Carvelog was something that came after the purchase, if you know what I mean.)

Celebrities given Carvel black Cards included Ronald Reagan (posthumous), General Larry  “the Pants on the Ground Guy” Platt, The Iron Sheik, one of President Obama’s foreign cousins, and Lindsay Lohan. Carvel’s heart was in the right place but their head was up their ass. What were they thinking? Lindsay Lohan is not in The Iron Sheik’s class.

Well, the problem is that Lindsay’s card was passed around more then she was at one of her girlfriend Sam Ronson’s parties. Lindsay gave it to her cousins, her bodyguards, her driver, her pusher (allegedly! Hee hee.), whoever picked her up off the sidewalk, random drunks (or should I say other random drunks?) and pretty much anyone who looked like they could use a nice Cookie O’Puss for St. Patrick’s Day.

Anyway, one day Party Mom Dina Lohan © trolled into her local Carvel and, well, I’ll let Carvel tell it, as it appeared on their own blog. Yes, Carvel has a blog. I didn’t believe it either.

Unfortunately, the Lohan family has been abusing the card.   While the card was issued in Lindsay and Ali’s names only, their extended family has repeatedly used the card without either present.   At first, we graciously honored their requests while explaining that the Black Card was not a carte blanche for unlimited Carvel Ice Cream for the extended Lohan family and friends.  After more than six months of numerous and large orders for ice cream, we finally had to cut off the card and take it back.

Dina Lohan reacted badly and called the police to have her card returned.  The police responded and did return the card to Dina with instructions not to use it again.

This is an unfortunate situation where certain people feel entitled to use a celebrity’s name for their own purposes. We regret that the Lohan family is upset and hope this matter is put behind us quickly

Dina Lohan wants ice cream

Dina Lohan in happier times.

Can you imagine all the 3am Carvelatte runs there must have been? The late night orders for 25 gallons of Peanut Butter Arctic Blenders? I personally love the thought of a very high (appearing, allegedly, hee hee) Lindsay Lohan stumbling in at 6 am, missing one shoe, demanding a Fanta Orange and Vodka Iceberg drink.

But the nerve of Professional Enabler Dina Lohan ©! To call the police! Over free ice cream! This after all the calls she didn’t make to get her daughter into rehab before she, you know, maybe died. The best thing that ever happened to Lindsay Lohan is the alcohol monitor. She appears cleaner and healthier then ever. That judge may have saved her life. But hey, who am I to say who is right here? I am just some guy who has his priorities in order.

On the other hand, I never got a free ice cream card from Carvel.

Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock

22 Jun

June 22, 2010

New York Duck Press

Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock, Wednesday at 10 pm, Discoobery Channel.
by Emil C. Brown

After a week’s delay, the world premier of the Discoobery Channel’s “Duckumentary” Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock earned top ratings in it’s time period. It was the highest-rated show of the evening.

“I am so proud,” said Pierre in his odd French accent. “I am so proud of my whole wonderful family. Even the mother-in-law.”

Wearing a tuxedo and a distinguished-looking top hat, Pierre showed the Discoobery Channel around his comfortable but slightly cramped three-story nest.

“Sometimes I lose count of how many people live here. There is me, Pierre– I am Pierre, I am so great, I am the greatest duck in the world– where was I?”

Pierre sometimes likes to break into a song about himself. “It is because I am so big in show business. Did you see me in Donald Duck’s last movie? I held the door- ‘Good morning, sir!‘ That was my line.”

Pierre lives with his wife and four children, along with his two brothers and their children, all of his wife’s sisters and their children, his cousin and his family, his grandfather, mother-in-law, and many other members of his extended family.

“I love my Uncle Pierre because he is so funny. But he eats too much,” said his niece Cindy. “I like jelly beans.”

Living at home can be cramped. The Duck family also lives with Donald and Daisy Duck (no relation), the next-door family of frogs who often drop by, frequent guests Furry Murray the dog and Gus the Goose, and a pair of something called “bloops” who live in the basement and have a giant swimming pool.

“A bloop is a big swimming sea creature with lots and lots of arms,” explained Pierre. “I have known him for years.”

He has also known his friend Furry Murray for years. “I have poker games and parties, and Murray Furry, Furry Furry Murray, um the Murray Furry, is always invited.”

Life in the nest is not all parties and poker. “I work very hard. I get up every morning and make the children’s breakfast, then I clean the nest and vacuum the floors, I make the beds and last week I painted the whole nest myself. With no help.”

Pierre’s wife, Cecelia, tells a slightly different story. “See the stomach on him? Let’s just say he likes to sleep late and eat T-bone steaks. He hasn’t climbed a ladder in years.”

Pierre wasn’t always so happy. “I used to live in a bachelor apartment and I had no friends until the Pretty Lady and her fat boyfriend took me in. I owe her everything, She helped me to meet Cecelia, the love of my life, and helped me when I sat on Norman’s egg. I still take them out and treat them to dinner all the time.”

Pierre D. Duck and his Fantastic Flock will air again next week at 8 pm on the Discoobery Channel.

copyright 2010

Pierre the Duck

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