My Review of Paul Blart, Mall Cop

Paul Blart, Mall Cop was written by Kevin James and produced by Adam Sandler. Kevin James was the fat guy who was walked all over by his wife in The King of Queens and Adam Sandler was funny once on SNL as Opera Man, and nothing else since. The two of them teamed up and made one of the rarest of films- Paul Blart, Mall Cop is exactly what you’d expect. No more, no less. It throws no curves, it gives you laughs where you’d expect laughs, flops where you’d expect it to flop.

This film had to be the easiest film in the world to pitch- Die Hard with a Doofus. Subtract Bruce Willis action hero, add Kevin James, sitcom slug, and there you have it. See how easy that pitch was?

Kevin James plays Paul Barf, security guard. He patrols a New Jersey mall and never, I mean ever, gets off his Segway. A Segway is a two-wheeled gyroscope-controlled scooter used mostly by suburban mailmen. Blark is an expert at it- he can wheel around senior citizens in scooters, avoid killer chimps, and even control it with one hand while at the urinal. The only thing the Segway can’t do is love him, but since he can control it one-handed he can take care of that too.

He is a sad man- his mail order bride was so repulsed by him she returned herself to Hungary, leaving behind their daughter and her mother-in-law, whom Blort tells people is his seamstress. He has fallen in love with the girl from the wig kiosk near the fountain. He is so awkward that the only way he can talk to her is to buy a wig. And when he has bought enough wigs, he buys a merkin. (Google that one.)

Paul Bark has one thing in his life- MALL SECURITY. And when the mall is threatened he, uh, doesn’t notice. He’s busy trying to program his Segway to do a wheelie.

The mall is taken over by the Tony Hawk Gang. They all ride ESPN X-Games gear. One guy rocks a skateboard, another one has roller blades, two of them terrorize the mall on dirt bikes. Not one of them brought a gun, but they do all have knee pads. Good role models.

Pill Box does all the requisite action guy stunts. OK, he tries. He gets stuck in an elevator shaft and gets into a tight spot with a guy even fatter than he is. But he tries. And to the films credit, there is only one flatulence joke.

Will it surprise you that he saves the mall, finds true love, and becomes a hero? I told you at the outset that this film is exactly what you’d expect. So he does.

I had a fun time. I was early and got nearly the seats I always want, top row, dead center. I ended up sitting one seat off center because of a big puddle of (I hope) sprite on the floor. The theater was nearly empty but my brother made up for it by yelling “where’s Arthur?” every few minutes. (Arthur, of course, being his TV dad on King of Queens.)

I was uplifted by Phil Blox, Mall Cop. If a big fat doofus can stop a gang of mall terrorists and rescue the girl of his dreams from being kidnaped to Columbia, then I can too.