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Mr. Know-It-All on:

13 Nov

from January 1, 2008

Mr. Know-It-All on bloggers:

Is there a lower type of writing than a blog? Shit if I know. A blogger is the worst king of egotistical trash. Some guy decided that “Hey, I am the King of King Shit and I want EVERYBODY to read what I write because it is so damn cool!” Who the fuck cares? So the guy goes out and goes on eBlogger or MySpace or god forbid starts his own website and writes stuff. What kind of stuff? Crap. Jeez, look at your average BS blog. A movie review where the jokes are funny, even freakin’ hysterical….. to the writer. And maybe his one friend who knows all the Monty Python gags and jerks off to internet porn in his basement. Or maybe he’ll write up some dung about his day, like how he got invited to a Christmas party and didn’t go. Like we give a rat’s maggot infested ass about that. The usual blogger doesn’t get invited to any parties at all, ’cause he’s a toad, so when he does and blows one off he should be shot. Bloggers have no lives, they don’t even drink or pick up whores like he would if he were a Certified Advice Columnist like I am. Or maybe the blogger will make up like a fake interview where he wins an award. Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling? What the fuck? Then there’s the blog where he pretends to be someone else. Tough guy, right? Why don’t you just say it and use your own name? You’re not fooling anybody, bilgehole. This is why your friendly pal Mr. Know-It-All  does crystal meth anally and orally too, ’cause of pussy bloggers. I have a headache that reaches all the way down to my shriveled balls right now. I wish bloggers would go back to pulling their puds over their coworkers who they are never going to screw and get the frig off the internet so I can go back to my Chris (Dateline) Hansen tribute site.

Mr. Know-It-All on naked people:

Everybody with a working central nervous system has seen somebody and wanted to see him or her without any clothes (and since Mr. Know-It-All is no homo I’ll stick to “her” from now on. So don’t get any funny ideas. That guy in the bus station just wanted change of a five, OK? Nothing happened in that bathroom stall.) Everybody thinks about it. Natural, right? Especially when you see somebody hot. But Mr. Know-It-All wants to see everybody naked. Just out of curiosity. Yes, curiosity. Keep your pervert ideas to yourself. But not the skags and skanks. They are repulsive and trust your buddy, the world is full of unappealing people. But who doesn’t ever just walk into a bar, order bourbon, vodka, and banana daiquiri all at once and just picture like the woman in the next booth naked? Or the bus driver? Or the average looking woman in the frumpy skirt who may or may not need a shave? And even the tall woman with the big mole but has a great rack and if you just put a bag over her head you think you can get it up? Mr. Know-It-All used to work in an office where the secretary was sleeping with her boss and never even looked at Mr. Know-It-All unless it was to tell him to cleanup his mess and zip his pants. Shit,  I thought about her wearing nothing but a sombrero and a whipped-cream serape for two weeks straight. But the point, if there is a point, is that even the below average women have a chance with Mr. Know-It-All. I am usually so wasted they all look like Carmen Electra anyway, minus the STDs.

Mr. Know-It-All on giving advice:

We all know that Mr. Know-It-All is a nationally syndicated advice columnist with a radio show on Sirius satellite and a twice weekly newspaper column, but what we may not know is why he does it. I feel that a sacred trust exists between the advice seeker and the advice giver. It should never be taken lightly. Often the one seeking advice is a troubled teenage girl, looking to find her identity or orientation. Often a really stacked teenage girl on the verge of exploring her sexuality. Occasionally it is a hot MILF,  or a divorced mother looking to start dating. Sometimes it is a woman who needs simple comfort in the arms or bed or even the backseat of the car of a caring, advice-giving man with a column. Sometimes it is just a prostitute looking to score some blow. But Mr. Know-It-All, without exception, takes all of these with a personal touch, and the mantra, “no letters from men.”

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SO YOU WANT TO BE A TRAVELING SALESMAN.- a primer

13 Nov

from December 27, 2007

Congratulations salesman! You have chosen a noble profession, The roots of traveling salesmanship can be traced back to ancient Greece. Ancient salesmen traveled a well worn path between Troy and Sparta selling a primitive form of Tupperware. Sample cases were rather large and heavy, as Tupperware was made mostly of stone. The Romans soon improved on the sales trade and traveling Roman salesmen used castrated slaves to carry their samples. Today’s modern salesman has little use for castratos as samples can be carried in a simple briefcase.

PART ONE- WHAT TO SELL?

Good salesmen are well aware of demographics, sales trends, and economic forecasts. For example, even the poorest salesman should be able to sell water in a desert. It would take a better salesman to sell water in an urban city. The best salesman would have sold water to Titanic survivors while the ship went down. In fact, Herbert F. Braithewaite did just that and in 1913 was inducted into the National Traveling Salesman Hall of Fame in Utica New York, posthumously. If you go “above and beyond” the call of duty you too may end up as Mr. Braithewaite.

Traveling salesmen have at their disposal a wide array of data upon which to base their sales decision. Often, the decision is based on one simple fact of sales- buy cheap and sell high. What can you buy cheaply and sell high? *

*The National Board of Traveling Salesman does not condone drug proliferation or prostitution.

 Your product should be small and portable, to allow ease of travel, yet large enough to look impressive. It should have a high profit margin and allow for repeat sales. It should be a common item yet also be highly desirable. Some suggestions include encyclopedias, vacuum cleaners, and marital aids.

PART TWO- TRAVELING

It has often been said that a good salesman is like a jazz musician- both have plenty of “sole.” This truism has been proven throughout the years. Expect to put many miles on your car and wear out many shoes as you travel the country. Yet you should also expect to see many sites of natural beauty and historic significance. Try to avoid these areas as these are generally low sales zones.

It is usually a good idea to plan your itinerary before hand to make best use of your route. A good route will take you through the most areas in the shortest span of time. For example, a good route through Brooklyn, New York will take you through Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, and Gravesend. A bad route through Brooklyn will take you through East New York.

PART THREE-TIPS FOR COLD CALLING

“Cold calling” is a sales term for trying to make a sale when there has no preliminary groundwork, such as phone calls or pamphlets mailed to the home. Here are some do’s and don’ts for successful cold calls:

– Do not make sales calls at a funeral home during a funeral. It may be tempting due to the great number of people gathered, but sales data shows that mourners generally don’t care to spend money at a funeral, viewing, or wake.

– Do pay attention to the needs of your customers. For example, do not try to sell silverware in a housing project. Do try to sell sneakers.

– Do pay good attention to your appearance. A salesman who has stains on his tie, a wrinkled suit, and a four-day growth of beard may be picked up by the police in higher class neighborhoods.  (Some traveling salesman have seen this as an opportunity. Neville Sanderson in 1971 sold three dozen cases of novelty toy water guns while sitting in the holding room of the Plainsboro Police Department. He was salesman of the month for April, though he was later charged and found guilty of aiding and abetting a mass breakout of prisoners from the same prison using his water guns.)

CONCLUSION

The creed of the traveling salesmen has always been “integrity.” Despite the hundreds of traveling salesman jokes, the salesman who sleeps with the farmer’s daughter is the exception, not the rule. In fact, the National Board of Traveling Salesmen has been locked on litigation with farmer Rufus Frederick Jones of Wheeling West Virginia and his buxom daughter Josie for spreading the lies of philandering salesmen. Evidence shows that the pies left on their window sill and the advances by young Josie were legal entrapment and the divorce of salesman Paul Collins on grounds or infidelity should be overturned.

Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the world of Traveling Salesmanship. We look forward in the coming weeks to providing you with the support you need in your new career, as well as our weekly newsletter, The Willie Loman Gazette.

Arthur William Rotnac

President

National Board of Traveling Salesmen

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