Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from January 18, 2008

We start off the week’s round of funny internet videos with my favorite comedian, Tom Cruise. What do you mean, he isn’t a comedian? I’ve never seen an interview with him where I didn’t laugh hysterically. Remember him jumping on the couch on Oprah? (“I love Katie Holmes! I love Katie Holmes! Scientology told me to marry her! I love L. Ron- I mean Katie Holmes!”) Or the time he was interviewed by Matt Lauer and threatened to punch him because Matt dared to challenge him and his God L. Ron Hubbard about drugs to cure psychological problems? Or when he publicly attacked Brooke (never was sexy no matter people say) Shields about her post-partum depression? Did you forget about the time he wore a whipped cream hat to the Academy Awards? This guy is f u n n y!

So in this video Tommy C. is accepting an award from the “Church” (I can’t even type that without laughing!) of Scientology. He is getting their Medal of Valor. Remember when the government would give out Medals of Valor in World War Two? These were for soldiers who took out enemy battalions, single-handedly destroyed Nazi Panzer divisions, brave mariners who died in submarine warfare. What the fuck is Scientology giving Tom Cruise a medal of “Valor” for? For bonking Nicole Kidman? I’d have done that and given her the medal. She’d have deserved it. (Ever see her in The Others? I was so busy staring at her that I still don’t know what that film was about. They were ghosts? The humans were ghosts? And what was with all the darkness?) The guy showed how stupid he was by divorcing her. (Not like she’s shown her brains by marrying drugged-out Keith Urban.) Seriously, valor? And you should have seen the medal- the size of a dinner plate, hanging from a sash bigger than the President of Nigeria’s, and solid gold. It was bigger than Rosie O’Donnell’s head. (That’s impressive.)

Cruise steps up to the podium in a ‘church” (snicker snicker) that put Notre Dame to shame. Ornate, gilded, looking a lot like a real church, the place must have cost at least as much as Mission Impossible 2, but was more entertaining. (And speaking of Mission: Impossible, Tommy C. came out to the theme music. Lalo Schifrin must be turning over in his grave. Unless he’s off in space waiting to be reincarnated to fight Zeru like L, Ron is.)

Cruise looked his Nazi-like best, black suit, stiff walk, salutes to the founders and the portraits of L. Ron Hubbard. He spoke in clipped, angry tones, and thanked everyone as though he just discovered the cure for AIDS and also found the elusive female orgasm. He seemed to choke up with emotion, but it was a sort of angry thankfulness, if you can imagine such a thing. (Hey, he’s not that good of an actor.)

He led the group in a salute to Hubbard and goose-stepped off the stage.

Check out the full story here: http://www.reuters.com/article/entertainmentNews/idUSN1554617420080116?feedType=RSS&feedName=entertainmentNews&rpc=22&sp=true

Our next video is a short but sweet one with one of our best Presidents, Bill Clinton. And by “best” I mean “fodder for jokes.”

This particular video is funny despite Clinton. Here he gives a speech and one of the girls behind him on stage (and it is always a girl behind him on stage, or hidden inside the podium, or crouched in the bottom of his closet, or with her mouth around his –whoa!) nearly faints.

What makes the video is the way she faints. She doesn’t just collapse; she staggers and sways across the stage like Otis the drunk from Mayberry. She starts by staggering to the left, then she seems to fall off to the right, finally she goes down to her knees but pops back up, sway sway sway, stagger stagger stagger.  I guess she was overcome by the sheer sexiness of the way Bill leaned on the podium instead of just standing behind it. The casual Bill, resplendent in an old man-style green sweater. That was the same way he seduced Monica Lewinsky, by the way. Clinton saw none of it. Chelsea leaped tentatively into action, just in time to watch an aide help the girl off stage. Way to go girl! At the end Bill, displaying the keen mind for verbal quips that made him one of our most quotable President’s says, “It is hot up here.”

Watch the video here: www.youtube.com/watch?v=SnOr-SnlK9I

And lastly, Katie Couric. If you watch The CBS Evening News you know Katie. But of course you don’t watch her show. Unfortunately for her, nobody watches her show and her ratings are lower than Fifty Cent’s (“Fiddy” to you) high school English grades.

This video shows just how much a pain she must be to work with. This was between segments of her newscast, the camera still running while the show was in commercial. She complains in a pretty nasty and smug way about a microphone, makes a snarky comment about Rudy Giuilli, Gullin, Guggili, aw Hell, he’s America’s Mayor, you know who I mean. She also talks about how “cool” a CBS logo is and pretty much acts like an angry TV news diva. If you can imagine such a thing.  Before this video I couldn’t.

Is this who I want to get my news from? I trust Stephen Colbert. I respect John Stewart. I fear Bill O’Reilly. But Katie Couric? She’s not bad to look at, as far as newscasters go. (But no one compares to Good Day New York’s Jodi Applegate. Hands off! She’s mine!)

And speaking of O’Reilly, remember not long ago when he went with Al Sharpton to a restaurant in Harlem? This is not a joke. This is too good to waste on a joke. Especially one of mine. He went to Sylvia’s and was “surprised at how well behaved they all were. No one shouted ‘M-F’er, I want more iced tea!'”

See a funny picture of Katie and read about her colonoscopy here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3079461

Read all about Bill O’Reilly’s Harlem sojourn here: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2007/09/26/2007-09-26_harlem_diners_shockingly_civil_bill_orei.html

Tags: Bill Clinton, Bill O'Reilly, Bill O'Reilly Harlem, bmj2k, fainting girl, internet, Katie Couric, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Tom Cruise, videos