Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

Have you seen this commercial? Burger King gathered people from around the world who had never heard of a burger in their lives and brought them together to choose between the Whopper and the Big Mac.

These people come from all sorts of indigenous populations who have been minimally tainted by contact with the West. These things never go well for the indigenous people. Usually, if left alone, they’ll end up alright, but when the West gets involved, the whole course of their natural cultural evolution gets shifted 128 degrees left. Take Japan for example. Want to know what Japan was like before Western culture came to them? Just watch any old 1970’s kung fu flick. There were samurai in every town, ninjas jumping out of trees, ronin roaming the countryside. You couldn’t walk to the yak farm down the road without having your honor challenged or a swordsman steal your ox cart. The average Japanese citizen had his local warlord on speed dial, so to speak. And now? Western suits, manga, and Godzilla. See what we did?

So Burger King took people who wore strange box-like hats, straw skirts, made clicking noises instead of speaking, and introduced them to the hamburger. They call these people “Whopper Virgins.” You see, they had never fucked a hamburger before.

They put these guys in a room, softened the lights, and let them first fuck a Big Mac and then fuck a Whopper and asked them which they preferred to fuck. The Whopper no-longer Virgins picked, by a wide margin, the Whopper as the burger they most liked to fuck. They preferred the bigger buns and meatier patties.

Burger King then put these people on the next boat home, crotches stained with mayonnaise, ketchup, and secret sauce.

What is Burger King thinking? How can they devote a whole advertising campaign to Whopper fucking? That’s disgusting. Who cares which burger is more fuckable? In the dark they all look the same anyway.

I think we need to take a stand. Burger fucking is where we should draw the line. Burger King should not be allowed to get away with this outrage. I am emailing future Senator Caroline Kennedy, the woman most able to put a stop to this, as well as global warming and interplanetary war. (Did you know that in the last presidential and mayoral elections she didn’t even bother to vote?)

Together, we can put an end to Whopper fucking.

See for yourself:
http://www.whoppervirgins.com