Tag Archives: Richard Simmons

Absolutely Fad-ulous

26 Sep

Septener 26, 2011

I’ve never been much for fads. I never got a mullet haircut, wore MC Hammer pants, or played with those stupid virtual pet toys. (You know the ones, those things that looked like electronic eggs and beeped every few minutes so you could “feed” them or “give them medicine” or “change their diaper” or whatever.)

I am not a team player, nor am I a follower. I laugh at fads and scoff at those who follow them. Unless I like them, in which case they are not fads, they are cool.

Going back there were some pretty stupid fads, like swallowing live goldfish. How did that start? And why pick on the poor fish? More dangerous was stuffing people into phone booths. What was the point of nearly killing a dozen people in a little glass booth? Maybe it just gave some pervs an excuse to rub up against a woman, I don’t know. And flagpole sitting? What was the point? And more importantly, how did they go to the bathroom?

Things have not gotten any better over the years. One recent fad that swept the world started in Australia, which tells me that people are starved for entertainment Down Under. I am talking about planking. And unlike goldfish swallowing which requires you to suppress your gag reflex, and flagpole sitting, which requires you to suppress your intellect, anyone can go planking anytime, anywhere. It is this simple: You lay down.

That’s it. Lay down wherever you like and take a picture because WHOO HOO! it is so much fun we all have to see a million stupid pictures of you laying down on the street on your facebook page. And no matter what the spell check says, I am not capitalizing facebook.

Does planking sound like fun? It is not. You do it every night, It is called going to sleep. And pictures of people planking are not exciting, to say the least.

For some reason that is totally incomprehensible to my highly intelligent mind, this planking thing became amazingly popular for a few months. Celebrities got into the act and tweeted pics of them planking. Here is a disturbing pic of Hugh Hefner planking.

No, Hef is not dead. He is planking. WHAT IS THE POINT? WHERE’S THE FUN? WHERE’S THE FUNNY? I am looking at an old man who is either dead or fell asleep on the dinner table. If I saw this on my twitter feed I’d probably forward it to the police for an investigation.

And speaking of disturbing celebrity planking pics, here is one that Richard Simmons posted to his twitter account.

Yes, he posted that himself. I have to believe that he has a thousand pictures just like that, mostly sans pants. I DO NOT GET THIS PLANKING CRAP.

Fortunately the planking fad is waning (I wanted to write “fad is fading” but that is hack writing,) It is already being replaced by Batmaning. This is where you hang upside down from something, like a wall or a sign.

WOW! THOSE ARE GREAT! What amazing pictures! Really? Seriously? Who cares? OK, I get that maybe it is fun for a couple of seconds to hang there, and I bet it helps to be totally ‘faced, but to look at those? BORING.

But there is the element of danger because you know that someone is going to have weak ankles and will come crashing down on their heads. Don’t look for sympathy here.

But take heart, Batmanning never really caught on, probably because the average American is too fat and lazy to hang upside down. However, there is a new craze gaining popularity and I am totally for it because not only does it take creativity but the pictures are great. No, I don’t mean topless beach voyeur photography, I mean horsemanning, as in the Headless Horseman.

This takes some effort and imagination. The point is to make it look like you’ve been beheaded and are carrying your own head, like The Green Knight. You do remember Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, don’t you? Sheesh, the internet needs to get out more.OK, that last one is a bit ghoulish, but since Halloween is coming it is totally appropriate.

I think horsemanning is very cool and when I do it, I will post the pics here. Send me yours and I’ll post them too.

Mr. Blog’s Tepid Search Engine

3 Feb

January 3, 2011

Why do I always rag on Wikipedia? Read this.

When Jeopardy! questions were fed into search engines, Google got the correct answer 69% of the time, Ask.com 68%, and Bing 63%

The average person came up with the correct answer 60% of the time, which is  a decent argument against technology and for the wisdom of the masses.

So how did Wikipedia stack up?
It was correct 23% of the time.

Take that, high school term paper writers.

However, search engines are good for something. They are good for finding my blog. Here are the top terms that led people to Mr. Blog.

fred flintstone 14,898 clicks
charo 5,141
chumlee 2,591
richard simmons 2,367
erin andrews 2,229
kate gosselin 1,323
queen elizabeth ii 1,007

Fred Flintstone is more popular than Kate Gosselin, thank God. On the other hand he seems to be more popular than Queen Elizabeth. Of course, if this were Google UK the results might be different. The Erin Andrews number doesn’t surprise me, I have a Hell of a good picture of her in one of my old blogs. But Richard Simmons? Who is searching for him? Maybe it is someone who likes his shorts. At number two and three, Charo and Chumlee make a nice couple. Someone should hook them up.

Fred Flintstone is far and away the most popular term leading people to Mr. Blog. In fact, if I were add up all the various searches related to Fred, the total shoots up to a lofty 22,390 clicks. For example, “Fred Flintstones” brought 597 people, “fred çakmaktaş'” which is Turkish (!) brought 536, and “Flintstones Fred” another 111. I even got 35 views from “fred flinstone immagini” and 7 views from “Fred the Fintstone.” Sadly, not one search for Rock Roll or the Twitch came my way. (For the record, click here for the most popular Flintstones picture on the site.)

Other popular interesting search terms were Marcia Strassman, Geri Jewell, and Whitman Mayo. If these people were ever in the same show the internet would blow up.

Hundreds of people came to me asking “who is Odie on American Chopper?”

I got views from “butt crack,” “finger in butt,” and “gaytoon.” “Burt Reynolds mustache” got me 14 views, and even a person I actually once knew, Christine Fajen, got 10 peeks.

Just today I got traffic from a new search term, “seniors with wet knickers.” I have no idea why.

So thank you internet! Without you I’d be typing this on my old word processor and not bothering to print it out.

%d bloggers like this: