Tag Archives: night of the living dead

In Search of… Satanic Cults, Demonic Possession, and Zombies

7 Feb
February 7, 2011
Although satanic cults have been documented since the dark days of antiquity, it wasn’t until the 1968 documentary Rosemary’s Baby that the everyday menace of old folks worshipping the devil in their classy condominiums came to the public’s awareness. In the film, Rosemary’s husband, John Cassavetes (played by John Cassavetes in a dual role as himself and himself) met a sweet little cabal of nice old devil worshippers who, in the film’s terror-filled climax, forced Mia Farrow to cut off most of her hair and go through the bulk of the film in a little boy hairdo.


Rosemary’s Baby opened the floodgates (of Hell) and you couldn’t go to a beach, drive on a lonely stretch of road, or break down in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere without being beset by scores of devil worshippers determined to either kill you or make you bear Satan’s love child. (It was kind of like the relationship Tina Turner had with Ike.) And the movies were even worse. Especially if William Shatner was involved.

 

Average 1970's Black Mass.

In fact, 1973 brought another Hollywood expose of the evil that surrounds us. The Exorcist was the harrowing true-life account of Linda Blair, whose extreme allergic reactions to pea soup caused Satan to possess her body and destroy any chances of her ever getting a decent film role again. Poor Linda Blair, her acting career barely begun, would from then on be relegated to such films as Roller Boogie (1979) and Zapped Again! (1990). If those films don’t prove Satan exists I don’t know what does.

 

Demonic possession isn’t limited to young, weak-willed white women. Even someone with a strong and outgoing personality can be taken over. For instance, in the pitiable and tragic case of Flip Wilson, his every move was forced upon him by Satan. “The Devil made me do it!” was his tragic wail, but it did him no good at trial when he was found to be mentally incompetent on the basis of a split personality, one of whom, Geraldine, was always heralding the return of her satanic boyfriend, known simply as “Killer.”

Satan still walks among us and exercises his considerable might. Though Tipper Gore and her crusade for music censorship was, let’s face it, stupid, she was correct about certain facts. The music industry has long been the breeding ground for Satanism. The brutal Blue Oyster Cult has been linked to a score of ritual killings across the Southwest and their hideous mantra “don’t fear the reaper” found spray painted in many desecrated churches. Today’s most hideous cult leader is known for the awful atonal chanting which causes the intense brainwashing of thousands of teenage girls. Despite many efforts to stop him, Justin Bieber is still at large.

"Kill, my minions! Blood for Bieber!"

The most tragic case in the annals of music is that of Robert Bartleh Cummings, who died in a car accident in 1977 but was brought back to life through a witch doctor’s black magic spell. Doomed to wander through all eternity, Rob Zombie is a shambling hulk who speaks only of the dead. There is little hope of his resurrection, as demonic possession is 9/10’s of the law.

A zombie, Rob.

Rob Zombie’s home video, Living Dead Girl, depicts the sad fate of a young girl who went to a Rob Zombie concert and made the mistake of breathing. Studies have shown that the atmosphere at an average Rob Zombie concert is about 2% oxygen and the other 98% against the law.

 

The Living Dead Girl, whom I will call Michelle for no particular reason at all. Seriously, she doesn't remind me of anybody.

Although television shows like The Walking Dead and movies like Night of the Living Dead glamorize the zombie lifestyle, and films like Deuce Bigalow somehow keep the career of Rob Schneider alive (c’mon- there had to be a pact with the Devil there) there is little to recommend the satanic lifestyle. Wearing flowing robes and black makeup, drinking cattle blood, the decapitation of small animals, and sex with cloven-footed half-goat satyrs may all sound really cool but there can be a downside. For example, if you get elected to a political office you may have to stop wearing the robes. In general, dealings with Satan should be left to televangelists, the Ivory Soap corporation, and Alan Moore.

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My Review of Night of The Living Dead starring Barack Obama

16 Nov

from October 30, 2008

Night of The Living Dead came out in 1968. It was in glorious black and white because George A. Romero was color blind. He thought he had bought six rolls of high quality color film but in reality he was ripped of and shot the feature on grainy Super 8 film stock.

Set chiefly in the Department of Motor Vehicles, Night of The Living Dead opens with Tom and Barbra, two siblings visiting their parents graves on the absolute worst night of the year. Ten years ago, their parents died in a freak accident involving two grapefruits and a grain elevator. Their dying wish was to be buried in the most desolate, abandoned graveyard in America.

Tom and Barbra never really loved their parents. In fact, the only reason they ever went was so that Barbra could stop at a little roadside stand and buy tomatoes. As they paid their respects by laying plastic flowers on the graves, a zombie, whose brain was “switched on” by radiation from a passing satellite (that’s what the movie said) lurched over to them. You see, newly reanimated corpses have, since Odysseus first ventured to Hades, been out to eat your brains. There is nothing sweeter to a zombie than a juicy brain. The problem is, for them, that they are very slow and sort of lurch with a herky-jerky gait. Oh, and this particular zombie’s pants were for some reason missing their entire back.

The semi-pantsless zombie managed to get the jump on Tom, not a hard thing to do since he was drunk on moonshine. Barbra managed to get away while the zombie munched on Tom’s short-term memory and found refuge in a small town Department of Motor Vehicles. Immediately, she passed out on a bench and had no more lines for almost half an hour. Good thing too, as actress Judith O’Dea’s resume includes exactly eight credits in the forty years since this movie came out. A thespian she is not.

Barbra wasn’t alone in the DMV. There were six people waiting in line to renew their licenses for over four hours and never noticed anything amiss. When the guy behind the counter died and came back as a brain eating zombie it looked like any other normal day at the DMV.

Among the human survivors in the DMV were a family of rednecks and a black guy named Ben. Unbelievably, the redneck had less of a problem with undead white guys than a live black guy. But the joke was on him. Even if he shot the black guy he’d just come back from the dead anyway. I suppose that is some Southern idea of Hell..

Ben was played by a young Barack Obama. When the zombies surrounded the DMV, Barack decided, rather than to fight, to talk to them. Try as he might, he couldn’t get a straight answer from the zombies. It was hard to talk with their mouths full of cerebellum. Eventually, after watching a few women and children get eaten alive, he realized that the zombies would be able to live in peace as citizens of the world if only they had food. No wonder they were angry- America had so much food and they only represented a fraction of the world’s undead. He decided to “redistribute the wealth” by giving some of the survivor’s food to the zombies. Despite the fact that the zombies chowed down on people, Barack, after twice rethinking his position, decided that he’d give the redneck’s left leg and the wife’s right arm to the zombies. The redneck refused. He pointed out, rightly, that Barack’s plan would cost an arm and a leg and would only, at best, be a short term solution to the zombie problem. Plus it amounted to little more than socialized welfare.

Seeing how the wind was blowing, Barack changed his position and said that they should all hide in the basement. In fact, he claimed, he never stated that he’d give anything at all to the zombies, and now he’d only tax those with extra limbs. After all, he said, those had more to give up should do more. It would be patriotic to give extra limbs to the zombies.

Hearing all he could stand of Barack, the redneck shot him and threw him to the zombies. The zombies, not caring how many times he voted “present” on important Congressional issues, ate him.

Eventually the zombies broke into the DMV where they were mistaken for city employees.

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