Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

January 8, 2014

The homepage for my email (no Outlook or Gmail for me, brother!) has several helpful links, most of which I totally ignore. In particular, it has some news headlines (sandwiched amongst the ads) but none of them are complete. I never click on them. I prefer to get my news straight from the source: my Uncle Bertie. If it happens on my block, he knows it. Anyway, in the interest of filling up another sad blog entertainment, I decided to complete the stories. Here we go! (Fake excitement!)

TOP NEWS HEADLNES

Bigfoot’s corpse? Hunter says he’s got a freezer full of Sasquatch steaks and Yeti burgers. “Tastes like chicken!”

Racist baby slapper gets eight months in E! Television reality show deal. In a press release, E! described the show as “a reality show with a twist, where racist babies get what’s coming to them.”

Jet almost hits…UFO? NFL sources state that the New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith is more likely to hit a UFO than his receivers with his shaky arm.

Body parts fall from the sky in Saudi Arabia, as usual.

Serious problem in the ocean: Sardines lose keys to cans, can’t get out.

ENTERTAINMENT

SNL finally lands black actress. This was much harder than landing a marlin or a tuna, executives admit. Next challenge: How to fillet her.

Sheen: Marriage tweet just a joke to annoy the four people who still follow me on Twitter.

Madonna posts picture of son, 13, holding his report card, showing four A’s and a B+. “I’ve never been more shocked by Madonna!”, cries internet.

Katy Perry demands: Dried figs. That’s all. Just a simple can of figs.

10 most charitable celebrities immeasurably smug.

Tags: Bigfoot, Charlei Sheen, E!, entertainment, figs. bmj2k, Geno Smith, Gmail, Jets, Katy Perry, Madonna, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Mr. BTR, news, Outlook, racism, Sasquatch, Saudi Arabia, SNL, sports, Twitter, Walter Winchell, Yeti