Tag Archives: Mr. Know-It-All

Mr. Know-It-All on:

13 Nov

from January 1, 2008

Mr. Know-It-All on bloggers:

Is there a lower type of writing than a blog? Shit if I know. A blogger is the worst king of egotistical trash. Some guy decided that “Hey, I am the King of King Shit and I want EVERYBODY to read what I write because it is so damn cool!” Who the fuck cares? So the guy goes out and goes on eBlogger or MySpace or god forbid starts his own website and writes stuff. What kind of stuff? Crap. Jeez, look at your average BS blog. A movie review where the jokes are funny, even freakin’ hysterical….. to the writer. And maybe his one friend who knows all the Monty Python gags and jerks off to internet porn in his basement. Or maybe he’ll write up some dung about his day, like how he got invited to a Christmas party and didn’t go. Like we give a rat’s maggot infested ass about that. The usual blogger doesn’t get invited to any parties at all, ’cause he’s a toad, so when he does and blows one off he should be shot. Bloggers have no lives, they don’t even drink or pick up whores like he would if he were a Certified Advice Columnist like I am. Or maybe the blogger will make up like a fake interview where he wins an award. Who the fuck does he think he’s fooling? What the fuck? Then there’s the blog where he pretends to be someone else. Tough guy, right? Why don’t you just say it and use your own name? You’re not fooling anybody, bilgehole. This is why your friendly pal Mr. Know-It-All  does crystal meth anally and orally too, ’cause of pussy bloggers. I have a headache that reaches all the way down to my shriveled balls right now. I wish bloggers would go back to pulling their puds over their coworkers who they are never going to screw and get the frig off the internet so I can go back to my Chris (Dateline) Hansen tribute site.

Mr. Know-It-All on naked people:

Everybody with a working central nervous system has seen somebody and wanted to see him or her without any clothes (and since Mr. Know-It-All is no homo I’ll stick to “her” from now on. So don’t get any funny ideas. That guy in the bus station just wanted change of a five, OK? Nothing happened in that bathroom stall.) Everybody thinks about it. Natural, right? Especially when you see somebody hot. But Mr. Know-It-All wants to see everybody naked. Just out of curiosity. Yes, curiosity. Keep your pervert ideas to yourself. But not the skags and skanks. They are repulsive and trust your buddy, the world is full of unappealing people. But who doesn’t ever just walk into a bar, order bourbon, vodka, and banana daiquiri all at once and just picture like the woman in the next booth naked? Or the bus driver? Or the average looking woman in the frumpy skirt who may or may not need a shave? And even the tall woman with the big mole but has a great rack and if you just put a bag over her head you think you can get it up? Mr. Know-It-All used to work in an office where the secretary was sleeping with her boss and never even looked at Mr. Know-It-All unless it was to tell him to cleanup his mess and zip his pants. Shit,  I thought about her wearing nothing but a sombrero and a whipped-cream serape for two weeks straight. But the point, if there is a point, is that even the below average women have a chance with Mr. Know-It-All. I am usually so wasted they all look like Carmen Electra anyway, minus the STDs.

Mr. Know-It-All on giving advice:

We all know that Mr. Know-It-All is a nationally syndicated advice columnist with a radio show on Sirius satellite and a twice weekly newspaper column, but what we may not know is why he does it. I feel that a sacred trust exists between the advice seeker and the advice giver. It should never be taken lightly. Often the one seeking advice is a troubled teenage girl, looking to find her identity or orientation. Often a really stacked teenage girl on the verge of exploring her sexuality. Occasionally it is a hot MILF,  or a divorced mother looking to start dating. Sometimes it is a woman who needs simple comfort in the arms or bed or even the backseat of the car of a caring, advice-giving man with a column. Sometimes it is just a prostitute looking to score some blow. But Mr. Know-It-All, without exception, takes all of these with a personal touch, and the mantra, “no letters from men.”

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Mr. Know-It-All: Teen Sex Advice for Troubled Kids

13 Nov

from November 5, 2007

Hi Teens!

Mr. Know-It-All is back with another “advice” column ass-packed with crude sexual jokes, rampant drug abuse, and alcohol-fueled stupidity.

Mr. Know-It-All has found that the world is moving too God-damned fast. Like the other day at the liquor store. I was on line waiting to pay for a six-pack of something cheap when there was this lady ahead of me. She was talking on her cell phone, texting on her PDA, rocking a baby, and paying for her vodka while all the time she was carrying on a conversation with her boyfriend. What the fuck is that? That shit is productive, that’s what! Mr. Know-It-All’s idea of multitasking is taking a leak while eating a sandwich, with a chicken parm hero in one hand and his ginormous schwantz in the other. And that woman on line? I was so drunk that I puked on her. Serves her right for being sober at noon.

But I know I’m just preaching to the crazy choir here. Like everything you hear during the day. Just complain complain whine whine whine. “Global warning”- boo hoo. “The war in Iraq” waah waaah. “I’m 58th on the heart transplant list and I don’t think I’m going to make it.” Suck it up, crybaby. Want to worry about something? I’ll show you these warts I’ve found all over my ass. I swear, some of them are way inside deep.

Anyway, on to the advice. Remember, these are all real letters found in real advice columns. So enjoy! Your buddy Mr. Know-It-All finds that giving advice is better than jerking off- less chaffing.

————————————————-

“My very first sexual experience was a wet-dream. I was 11 years old and I awakened to find something wet in my pajamas. I was sure I was sick, maybe even had cancer. Is this normal?”

-from a 12 year old boy

Way to go kid! Mazel Tov! Wet dreams are the orgasm’s kid brother: You get all of the mess but none of the fun. Sure, you wake up with your crotch full of the sticky juice, but look on the bright side, at least you’re sure it’s yours. Wet dreams are your body’s way of saying “Kid, time to masturbate.” You’re a man now. Stick with it and soon you’ll be more familiar with the back of your hand than with any actual girls because, let’s face it, you are a loser.

And yeah, I think you have cancer. Sorry kid, them’s the breaks. But enjoy your new hobby!

—————————————————

What sort of things are expected of a girl during oral sex? You see, I want to give my boyfriend a blow-job, but I don’t know what’s expected of me, what I am supposed to do. – Becca, 16.

 Yeeeaaaaahhh, this is why I became a Certified Advice Columnist. Kid, how strong is your gag reflex? Can you train yourself to ignore it? How long can you hold your breath? What is the biggest banana you have ever eaten? Do you drive? Do you know where 1852 Canoga Park is? Are you willing to be here by 8 o’clock, alone, and tell your parents you are staying at your aunt’s? I think I can help you. Bring viagra, valium, and vodka.

Sixteen is legal right? Somebody IM me fast with a lawyer’s number. I may have a problem

—————————————————

I’m 67. Will there be a time in my life when I will no longer feel the need to masturbate? I read that more and more people are living to be 100 — do they masturbate?

 You’re not a teen- get lost.

No, wait, you have a funny question, stick around. Look Gramps, Mr. Know-It-All doesn’t want to stop- why do you? Thank your lucky stars that you can still get it up at your age. I’m lucky if the old limp worm wakes up at all some days. People who live to be 100 sure want to masturbate, but they’ve got other things to worry about, like their kids looting their trust funds and sticking them into shady nursing homes. Then they get so drugged up that they can’t even remember how many toes they have, let alone masturbating. I remember this one time,  I found myself hiding under a bed in a nursing home when some old broad rolled in on her wheelchair. She was like 190, but what did she do? Took her tube of arthritis cream and did the in and out on herself. I gotta tell you true, kids, it wasn’t half bad.

—————————————————

I am 16 and have never, ever masturbated. I’ve ejaculated in my sleep 3 or 4 times, though. Is this normal? I think this may make losing my virginity a much more incredible experience — am I correct?

No. Talk to the old pervert in the letter above.

—————————————————

I have been masturbating for a year and a half now and do it about once a day. I masturbate in our bathroom with the door locked. I usually take 15 or 20 minutes to finish, and then I usually wait 5 more minutes for my erection to go away. My problem is that my parents think I am really going to the bathroom and that I am not feeling well, since it takes so long. I’m afraid they may bring it up at a doctor appointment. How can I can speed up the process and make my erection go away sooner?

BWAH HA HA! HOOOOO! HA HA HA HA HA ! Kid, you’re kidding, right? HAW HAW HA HA! 15 to 20 minutes? What the fuck are you thinking about, horses? Shit, if it took me that long to jerk off, then Mr. Know-It-All wouldn’t have time to write this column! And 5 minutes for your erection to go away? Mine poops out usually about 30 seconds before the climax, then I just dribble all over the place. THIS IS WHY I DO COKE!

————————————————

How come whenever I’m done masturbating, I feel like I was being stupid and have the urge to put on my clothes immediately?
– age 14, New York

14, welcome to adulthood. That thing between your legs will make you do very stupid things throughout your life, and the sad part is, you always know they are stupid. Guys will climb over jagged rocks if their cocks tell them that there may be a naked boob on the other side. An erection is like a stupid-finder. The first time I ever did heroin was because I was trying to impress my fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Clausen. Man, what a rack she had. Oh yeah, Mrs. Clausen, ohhhhh……..

What? Oh yeah, the 14 year-old kid. Look kid, just pull up your pants and forget about it.

————————————————

That’s it for this week’s column. I hope that you have all learned something form your pal Mr. Know-It-All. I would like to leave you now with the advice that my father gave to me- “Wipe that up son, and don’t let your mother catch you in her closet.” 

Tags: , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →