Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

Fleet Week

19 Nov

excerpted from May 31, 2009

Speaking of uniforms, as if we were, the Fleet is in. Yes indeedy-do, this was Fleet Week. Sailors from all over the world flooded into New York, only to get pissed off when they saw how Times Square has been cleaned up. C’mon, these are guys who prowled the back alleys of Calcutta and got poon from hookers in Tokyo. What, they should get excited by the Disney Store? These are sailors, and sailors are to cheap women and penicillin as Obama is to easing rules for terrorists in prison- or I should say, soon-to-be fellow New Yorkers.  

What is even funnier about Fleet Week is the news coverage about Fleet Week. Engaging in Funny Stereotype Number 83, CBS news interviewed women in mid-town Manhattan about all the military guys in town. I don’t know how many women they spoke to, but they aired three, ages anywhere from 58 to 158, getting all giddy about sailors. “I’m going to marry one!” claimed an old bag with too many pounds and too little make-up. Way to strike a blow for equality, CBS!  

So New York is now full of foreigners. As usual. But these guys are all walking around with funny uniforms. There are the guys from the former Soviet countries, wearing uniforms with way, way too much gold braid. They’ve got badges on their sleeves and a lot of funny looking words on their hats. And those are just the ensigns. I saw a Ukrainian Admiral with actual antlers coming out of his hat. The Commodore from Albania wore a bear skin.  

Some guys got the short end of the Fleet Week stick. A couple of Canadian ships (their motto: Canada is cold) got stuck docking in Staten Island. The joke was on them when they got off the ship and discovered that they had to take the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan. Just what the sailors wanted- another boat ride.  

I also spotted some Polish sailors buying snow tires for their battleship. KIDDING! I’m just kidding! I love Polish people! I just love Polish jokes more.

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My Review of Star Trek

19 Nov

excerpted from May 31, 2009

This goes back to the good old days when William Shatner didn’t wear a wig and was played by another actor. Christopher Pine played William Shatner and that guy from Heroes played Leonard Nimoy. (Anybody watch Heroes anymore? Man, that show used to be so good. Now it sucks.)  

Thanks to some time travel shenanigans, things are a little different this time around. You know how in the original series we always thought that Kirk slept around but never saw any proof? In this film he actually gets some stank on his hang low from a green chick. Sure, the green chick was hot, but when I say “stank” I literally mean “stank” as her scent glands secreted an alien pheromone that made Kirk’s gonads smell like rancid beef stew. Seriously, watch that film- from that scene on, no one stands within ten feet of him.  

Other differences include Uhura actually having lines and good special effects. Aside from that Vulcan gets destroyed and everything you knew about Star Trek over the last 40 years goes right out the window.  

Some bad guy named Zero had a total mad on for Spock. It seems that sometime in the future he blames Spock for the death of his wife- I think they were having an affair or something, and while they were together in Paris they got into a car accident and the wife died while Spock sustained only minor injuries. (On second thought, that may have been the plot of a Harrison Ford film.) Anyway, in an extreme over-reaction, Zero vowed to travel to the past, trap Spock on an ice world, and force him to watch as he blew up Spock’s home planet of Vulcan, changing the time stream so that Kirk becomes an unlikable jerk and Scotty has some weird little alien life-partner.  

 And would you believe it? Zero managed to do just that. It just goes to show you what a goal-oriented person can accomplish.  

The original cast was totally, er, recast, and only Leonard Nimoy got a cameo. William Shatner wanted a part but his demands were too high. He wanted his face in EVERY FRAME of the film. Wisely, the producers turned his generous offer down.  

 I’m not sure where they’ll go from here, but the next film better have Klingons, Khaaaaaan, and something else starting with K. Kryptonite or something.  

Before Star Trek, I saw the trailer for Up, the new animated (formerly cartoon) movie from Pixar. In it, a cranky old guy hooks up his house to a zillion balloons and flies away. I hope I am that cool when I’m old. I already know I’ll be that cranky.

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