Tag Archives: Mr. Blog’s Tepid Ride

Bad Poetry and Sour Grapes

15 Apr

April 15, 2010

(“Bad Poetry and Sour Grapes” would be a good name for an album, BTW.)

I used to work in a large school which will rename nameless, unless you read any of my old blogs where I very prominently and repeatedly named it.

Anyway, the large school was broken down by the CITY (yes, all in caps, like the monolithic leviathan it is) into much smaller schools. They had their reasons, little petty things, like poor graduation rates, violence, silly little stuff really. What NYC school doesn’t have student walk-out protests against the Principal and UFT representatives who “anonymously” feed damning news items to the New York Post? On the other hand we were the only school to provide the students with party pants on the senior trip. So there.

As former faculty I received an invitation to the school’s end term party, which this year is also doubling as the “end of the school” party. In June, after they force out the remaining handful of students the doors will close forever. The kids are leaving under the guise of “graduation.” The remaining kids are there because their academic or probation records are so bad that every other school in the city refused to take them. Yet mysteriously, with the school shutting down, every single one of them has managed to pass every class and meet the requirements for graduation. These are the same kids who, when I was there, majored in setting the bulletin boards on fire and illiteracy. For some reason Mayor Bloomberg loves this system. And the small schools replacing the large school? They’ve already eclipsed the big school in incompetence. Again, thanks Mayor Bloomberg.

So I got the invitation in the mail and it will only cost me $100 to go to a buffet featuring a “Hand Carve Meat Station.”

I must say though, that I was most impressed by the invitation, which featured a poem hand-crafted by one of the school’s long-serving secretaries. It is a beautiful thing, which would be hung proudly on the refrigerator of any fifth-grader who equaled it.

TO EDUCATE THE STUDENTS WAS OUR MISSION
TO SEE THEM SUCCEED WAS OUR VISION

WITH LOVING MEMORIES WE MUST SAY GOOD-BYE
TO OUR WONDERFUL SCHOOL….L*******E HIGH

PLEASE JOIN US AS WE EMBRACE
THE YEARS WE SPENT IN THIS SPECIAL PLACE!!!

WAY TO GO!!! L*******E HIGH

poem by DW

As a former teacher who spent close to nine years there, it really brought a tear to my eye. I cried knowing that this was the best the staff could come up with.

At any rate, I’m sure the party will be a blast. It features an open bar.

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You Down With OCC? American Chopper Returns!

13 Apr

April 13, 2010

American Chopper, the recently cancelled “reality” show, is back. The new series, American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior, promises to show more of what made the original a success- bickering and yelling between two imbeciles while other people make increasingly generic looking motorcycles.

Paul Teutul Sr., the father of this motley crew, began life as the owner of a steel factory. Soon, however, he grew bored with the small town life and gave it all up to become a full-time Hulk Hogan impersonator.

Life on the Hulk Hogan professional impersonation circuit was hard for Sr. Every night he was in a different bar, drinking himself into a stupor while bar skanks rubbed his muscles. Oh, wait, that was his life before he sold the factory. That’s why he doesn’t get along with any of his kids. In fact, the impersonation circuit was profitable for him. Soon, he and a Carrot Top impersonator got together to create a new business based on his first loves- screaming at his sons and motorcycles, and soon OCC was born.

OCC stood for Our Crappy Choppers and was based out of a meat-packing plant in Oswego. Eventually he bought out the Carrot Top impersonator (who turned out to be the real Carrot Top and no one noticed or cared) and brought in his two sons, Paul Jr. and Musky, so named because of the odor coming off his scraggly beard.

Paul Sr. never totally gave up the Hulk Hogan impersonation and would often be seen around town on his custom-made Hulkamania bike.

 

Whatchoo gonna do? Vrooom!

Luckily for Sr., who knew nothing about motorcycles, Paul Jr. knew slightly more and designed bikes that were good to look at but might kill you if you rode them. For example, The typical OCC bike has webs covering the gas tank, unnecessary tin pieces on the rear wheel, and a paint job from the planet Mars, but lacks rear view mirrors, brake lights, or even the basic rudiments to make it street legal.

American Chopper turned the guys from OCC into stars. The show became a hit and soon people were quitting the show left and right just to get away from Paul Sr. Early on they employed a guy named Vinny. He did everything from wiring the bikes to  sweeping up the shop. He was usually the only one who did any work at all, as Paul Jr. would vanish mysteriously every day between 8am and 5pm and Paul Sr. was always going out for massages. Ah, the price of fame. Despite all of that, Vinny soldiered on until he could no longer stand the constant screaming between the Teutuls and he quit. He was an important employee of a booming business and a star of a booming TV show and he quit because the Teutuls were impossible to work with.

What did they scream at each other about? Everything, It became so bad that shows focused less and less on the bikes they made and more and more on the fights. Eventually, Paul Jr., showing he has even less brains than talent, quit the company to form his own design firm. What did his business do? Pitched a line of doggy chew toys to a dog food company.

Sr. kept motoring on and while he still makes bikes, he makes more and more time for his Hulk Hogan impressions.

???

Hulk Hogan, seeing the potential in branching out, followed Paul Sr.’s lead and opened his own store: Hulk Hogan’s Pastamania.

No, I did not make that up.

Pastamania

Yep, he opened it at the Mall of America. Closed it there too.

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