Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from November 29, 2007

El Blogo Loco esta here! Yo know poco Espanol pero Yo no stop! Que un language de Espanol neceesitas es un pequeno mas cognates. Or perhapsamente Senor Blog’s Ride de Tepido necessita un escribe less annoyingo.

That is just a small sample of how someone who doesn’t know a language can totally mess it up. But seriously, I know better Spanish than that. I am flatulent in three languages. What? Really? No, “fluent.” I meant “fluent.”

That’s right kids; it is time for another trip around the English Language!

First stop- 20^th Avenue, where we find a store named, no joke, “Balloons & Plus.” I need to take a deep breath before I go on. “& Plus.” What the hell are they thinking? “I know, we have more than balloons, much more. We have PLUS! Eureka! Balloons and Plus!” I’ve never been in that store, despite the fact that awning has what seems to be a picture of Spider-Man from an Atari 2600 screen cap and enlarged on a t-shirt printer. How I’ve held out this long I don’t know. Anyway, the store has to be run by illegal sub-Saharan immigrants or something. Wherever they come from, however little they know about our language, how did this get past the printers? Or the guys who put up the sign? At some point, someone must have looked at it and said “what the fuck?” I know I did. But the next time I run out of “plus” I’ll be sure to go in and pick some up. (Just last week I ran out of “minus” but my neighbor lent me a cup.)

Next stop- McDonald’s. I really hate McDonald’s. No, not for the ten pounds of undigested meat currently sitting in my colon. I hate them for adding “Mc” to our vocabulary: McMuffin, McNuggets, Mayor McCheese. “Mc” used to be good for a cheap joke- make up any funny or crude name and stick “Mc” in there- instant funny. Anus McDingleberry, Muscle McSteroid, Lord Featherbottom and Lady McTickle. See? Now it all sounds like fast food. Kiss my McAss! (OK, that was a cheap one, but let’s be honest here. What joke is beneath me?)

Up next- Nicknames- Why don’t I have one?

Fourth stop- X-Mas. Now, I am not particularly religious. And if I was, I am not particularly this particular religion. But c’mon, X-Mas? I don’t get it. Doesn’t Christmas get enough publicity without hanging on the X-Men’s coattails? Sure, the X-Men movies made millions of dollars, but Christmas has made trillions for retailers. So shouldn’t it be the other way around? Maybe the X-Men should try to piggy back on Christmas: Christ-Men. Just think about it- Professor Christ and his band of Christ-Men uniting to beat the forces of Magneto, who wants to use his powers of magnetism to steal all the tinsel from the world’s Christmas trees. Don’t like this idea? Wait until you hear my plans for Ramadan.

Cup O’ Noodles. “O'” What is the point of saving one teensy letter? I could see if it was something like “Cup Of  N’s.” Then you save six letters. In a budget it makes sense. But there might be a problem of interpretation. Cup of what? What does the N stand for? Nails? Noxzema? And what would they say down South? This “O'” thing is already way out of control. I’ve seen South O’ The Border and Talk O’ The Town. Are we soon going to see invitations to “celebrate the birth o’ our son Bruce E. Freedkin?”  Will we soon be voting for The President O’ The United States? And come next year will I be out o’ work? But that is a question for another blog.

Our language is precious. It holds us and binds together. It is what we use to cement our bonds of love. It is also what I use to write blogs so for God’s sake learn how to speak real good English.

Tags: bad grammar, bad Spanish, Cup O' Noodles, grammar, McDonald's, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Spanish, X-Mas