Tag Archives: holidays

Good Citizenship for the Holiday Season

29 Nov

November 29, 2013

from November 23, 2009

thanksgiving header

Some people have no sense of civic responsibility, or even goodwill to their fellow man. For example, I went to a high school downtown and had to take the train. I was a little late and was rushing out of the station when a woman in front of me twisted her ankle and fell. Almost no one even looked her way, let alone stopped to help her. I hope she was OK, I really couldn’t tell as I was almost a half block away when I thought to look back and see.

But that is just an exception, really. I do try to be helpful. I would think nothing of giving CPR to a man with a broken ankle or applying the Heimlich Maneuver to a drowning woman. I’d even try to shock back to life a guy in a car accident by connecting jumper cables from the car battery to his brain. Take it from me, a firm grasp of basic first aid is a necessity and can be easily gleaned from any cartoon or foreign cable TV show.

Of all the various methods of first aid, none can be handier than the Heimlich Maneuver.

To perform it, you get behind a choking victim, reach around their chest, and manually locate a certain point at the base of the rib cage and, using short quick thrusts, force your fist upward and inward to the victim, hopefully dislodging the food they are choking on.

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Locating a choking victim is easy. The person may be gasping for air and turning blue. Choking victims may be trying to violently dislodge the food themselves, often doing more harm than good. If you are properly trained in first aid and can competently perform the Heimlich Maneuver, you are ideally going to look for a busty woman because this is a great excuse to feel her up.

In fact, may medics, at the merest first cough, often zoom over to the table of an attractive young woman and attempt to perform first aid on the woman’s breasts.

Now that is good citizenship.

Other good citizenship tips for the Holiday Season:

  • After sitting on Santa’s lap, towel him off as you would the equipment at the gym.
  • After waiting hours in line for the department store to open early in the morning the day after Thanksgiving, do not leave your pee-filled Pepsi bottles sitting on the curb. Pour them down the sewer.
  • Remember that your fellow citizens may not be as fortunate as you. Therefore, try not to step on the homeless as you rush by.
  • When in doubt, leave the last seat on the subway for the pregnant woman. After all, she may be an undercover cop.
  • No one likes to receive fruit cake.

If we all follow some simple rules and exercise courtesy, we New Yorkers can all feel better. In the words of Mayor for Life Bloomberg, “People are worried about the unknown. They are worried about things that they are unwilling to invest some time in and learn about.” Wait; was that Mayor Bloomberg or Criswell Predicts? Ah, same thing.

So remember everyone, simple courtesy and citizenship can reap great dividends in the long run. In the short run, using the Heimlich Maneuver on a cute blonde can get you arrested.

Thanksgiving, the Forgotten Holiday

27 Nov

November 27, 2013

from November 6, 2010

thanksgiving header

Halloween is over and Thanksgiving is almost here, although you may be more familiar with it by its more common name- Christmas.

Thanksgiving is a forgotten holiday. Oh, it isn’t forgotten in the sense that you wake up on Friday morning, wonder why you have the day off, and hey, shouldn’t there be leftover turkey in the fridge? Trust me- if you get two days off out of your work week you don’t forget Thanksgiving. The thing is that it has been forgotten by the stores. They skipped Thanksgiving, blew past Halloween like poor Charlie Brown and his holey ghost costume weren’t even there, and started Christmas sales right after Jerry Lewis heaved himself home to a big dinner of gravy and pork fat right after his Labor Day begathon. It was quite a sight on September 2nd, seeing a  whole host of fat, sweaty guys in red fur suits dying in the late summer heat. Macy’s had to call in the paramedics the first time a kid sat on Santa’s lap and slipped off due to all the sweat.

hobo santa

Thanksgiving is the forgotten holiday, but what is being forgotten? Bear with me, I am a product of the New York City educational system.

Four score and seven years ago (the score was 3-2 Red Sox) the Pilgrims arrived in America after being booted out of England. They were an odd group of people. They wore black clothes with buckles on their shoes and pointy hats. Sorry, I think those are the Puritans. Those are the guys on the butter tubs, right? Oh, those are the Quakers. So who is on the oatmeal can? Amish? They don’t believe in mirrors, so how did Robert Alden shave?

Anyway, the Pilgrims had some problems with King George. All the Pilgrims wanted to do was worship as they saw fit. King George said “We’ll have no goat marriage in my country!” and threw their goat-loving asses out of his kingdom. You see, America was founded by people who only wanted to worship as they saw fit, and they saw goat marriage as fit. Way to start, USA.

For his part, King George was the Ike Turner of his time. Aside from being a side man in a blues quartet, He smacked around the Pilgrims like Ike smacked Tina and did it all out of love. “Take that Pilgrims!” SMACK! Tea Tax. “Take that Pilgrims!” SMACK! Stamp Act. “I’m only doing it because I love you, colonial baby!” It wasn’t until Tina, I mean the Pilgrims, stood up to him did he turn into a quivering mass of abusive jelly. All the time the Pilgrims were sailing to America he kept sending them love letters and promising to change.

Anyway, the Pilgrims came to America, accompanied by a kick-ass theme song by Neil Diamond, (“They’re coooooming to America, today!”)  on three Cunard Line cruise ships- The Nina, The Pinta, and The Titanic. All but The Titanic made it to America. The Pilgrims were believed to have landed on Plymouth Rock, but new scientific evidence suggests that they actually ran aground on a rusted out ‘58 Chevy.

They were appalled by the lack of working toilets. The local Indians had put “out of order” signs on all the restrooms just out of spite. To get revenge on them, a young George Steinbrenner traded Ron Hassey to the Indians for a player to be named later.

And thus was the first Thanksgiving set up. The Pilgrims first played four college football games against the Indians, and the Pilgrims won all but one, the Detroit game.

To celebrate their victory, they invited the Indians over for a big dinner. This meal included “maize,” which the Indians claim means corn but is actually Ute Indian for “look at how stupid white man eats this horse dung.” They also had roast beef, carrots, imported caviar, something the nearby Dutch settlers called “blunts” and lots and lots of sirloin steak. The myth that they ate turkey was invented by the Turkey Industry Ad Council in 1958, when a young ad executive needed a way to boost slumping turkey sales.

Today Thanksgiving is little more than a bump in the road to Christmas, which, according to my calendar, starts on February 21st next year.

Disgruntled turkeys have tough meat. Use extra gravy.

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