Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from January 30, 2007

Sorry, but this not going to be the long-threatened “sex blog.” My exposé will wait for another day, so you can breathe a sigh of relief that our secret is still safe, Liz. (Just kidding! It is Bonnie who should be relieved. Just kidding! Michelle? Marc?)

So I’m left with an empty page. The writer’s challenge. The taunt. Or it would be if I were actually looking at a blank page. I don’t write longhand with pen and paper. Oh, you plebeians may still pick up an instrument and scribble on a sheet of foolscap (am I Elizabethan? Why not. Let’s go with it.) but thou hav’t precious little idea, prithee thee,  of thy pride of  using ye electronique computer, by Od’s little bodkin.

And by the way “ye” is not and never was a word in any English, Old, Middle, or whatever. It is the misunderstanding of a letter which no longer exists and combined the “t” and “h” “th” sound. So “ye” was still pronounced “the” but spelled with an odd little extinct letter which looked a bit like the letter “y,” hence the confusion.

I may be full of crap with all of that but I don’t think I am. I am certain that I am filled with a lot of crap about other things, but that isn’t one of them. (“Filled with a lot of crap.” Perhaps an enema is in order? No way.)

That’s a lot of nonsense, and I haven’t even started the blog proper. That’ll be more nonsense, but at least it’ll be on the way to an ending. This is just the beginning and believe me, this isn’t easy tonight.

I have the urge to write. Usually when this happens, I have something to write about, some little idea or phrase (like “Alien Assholes” a while back) just kicking to get out. Not tonight, though the first paragraph came easy enough. So it’s all downhill from here. I’d leave now if I were you.

So here it is. My views on the most important, vital issues of our time. In handy numerical order, though I admit that the order is totally random. So I guess the numbers are therefore useless, but they look cool.

1- AMERICAN IDOL. I love the early freak show episodes. I love the nincompoops who think they can sing. But that isn’t the worst part. They are all so earnest. They all think they can all sing and will be the next big thing. Bullshit. If I were Simon there’s no way I’d be able to just sit there. I’d stalk into the waiting room, Tazz-style, and weed out the crap with a little “friendly persuasion.” But then there’d be no show. I guess that’s why Paula is so drunk all the time. And do you think Simon has ever gotten a piece off of Paula?

2- The DONALD TRUMP-VINCE McMAHON FEUD. I love Vince. The guy is a bazillionaire and he’ll still get in the ring and have his face shoved in the crack of  a fat guy’s naked ass. NOTE- that actually happened last year. I don’t care how funny Trump’s hair is, I don’t care how many times he says “you’re fired,” I don’t care how Miss USA “convinced him” in the back room to give her another chance, there is just no one like Vince.

3a- 24. JACK KILLED CURTIS! JACK KILLED CURTIS!

3b- LOST. ABC is killing that show. When was it last on? When will it be on again? I’m beginning not to care. I have enough DVD’s to watch, thank you very much.

4- GHOSTS, ESP, NESSIE, et al. I have always described myself as either a scientist or a writer, depending on the circumstances. We all know that I am lying about the writing part, but the scientist thing needs an explanation. I tend to think in an orderly way. I look for solutions. I try to be logical. I tend to apply the scientific method to most cases. And as far as ghosts go I am a skeptic. So while I believe in ghosts I have found very little proof and very few stories that I believe. And this is not BS. I have a very good working knowledge of general Parapsychological issues. You should actually see my bookcase. (Not that I would actually invite you over, you band of freeloaders.) As for ESP, I won’t detail it here but I have personally had an experience or two. Now here is where I tie in the scientist part and prove that I am not a nutty tin-foil hat guy. The Loch Ness Monster is not true. Can’t be. For all scientific reasons. For one, the lack was frozen solid from top to bottom in the last ice age, so there are no ancient ichthyic remnants there. Secondly, though theorized, there have not been any underwater passages to the ocean found in the Loch. Even if a creature the size of the monster found it’s way into the Loch, it could not survive. The lake is dark, cloudy. The sun does not penetrate far and there is very little algae, plankton, or microbial life. Therefore, he lake does not support much in the way of fish life. Ask any fishermen about the amount of fish there. It is not nearly enough to support a large creature, and certainly not for any number of years or decades. It is not scientifically possible, but it makes a lot of tourist money for Urquhart Castle. (On the other hand, the Sasquatch is a near-certainty, for all scientific reasons.)

5- VOORTMAN’S SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES. Love ’em!

And that’s about it. Don’t ask me about the deficit, don’t ask me about the chances of McCain in Iowa. Ask me about cheesy TV from the 1950’s. Ask me about The Shadow or Underwater Ace. 

CURRENTLY READING- Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, JRR Tolkien translation

CURRENTLY WATCHING- My neighbor across the street. She keeps her bedroom blinds up.

CURRENTLY LISTENING TO- Wrestling entrance music on my iPod. There is something about Sabu’s music that hypnotizes me.

CURRENTLY WRITING- This blog.

—————————————————————–

QUIZ TIME!

Q- What was the Old English letter that represented the “th” sound called?

A- Who cares?

Q- Have you ever been to Urquhart Castle?

A- There is no Urquhart Castle. It was made up by the Scots as a tax dodge.

Tags: American Idol, Donald Trump, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride, Vince McMahon