The All-New Hell’s Kitchen, September 2010: C-List Celebrity Edition

24 Sep

September 23, 2010

Gordon Ramsey has returned to FOX television. Astute viewers may remember him from FOX television’s MasterChef, FOX television’s Kitchen Nightmares, and FOX television’s Gordon Ramsey: Cookalong Live. Despite being off the air for almost seven days, FOX is sure that Mr. Ramsey remains strong in viewer’s memories.

For this year’s edition of Hell’s Kitchen, Gordon Ramsey has again stirred the pot and created a stew of beefy competition. This season, Hell’s Kitchen competitors will be drawn from the world of former celebrities, has-beens, and never-weres.

Out first competitor comes from the world sex, drugs, and rock and roll. OK, mostly drugs. A lot of drugs. Here is…. Artie Lange!

Mr. Lange should provide some stiff competition, if he can remain sober. And alive.

Out next competitor is best, or only, known from the 80’s sitcom The Facts of Life, and nothing else since. We all remember nerdy Natalie, here is…. Mindy Cohn!

We all love Natalie, but where would she be without the rivalry of her snooty roommate Blair?

Yes, our next contestant is Blair Warner herself, Lisa Welchel!

Geri Jewell could not be reached for comment.

Returning to the men’s team, straight from the Soviet Union (via Roanoke Virginia), we have 1980’s WWF heel,  Boris Zhukov!

Staying with the theme of “sports entertainment,” we now move to the co-owner of a team that is neither competitive in sports nor entertaining, the New York Mets very own inept owner, Jeff Wilpon!

If history is any indication, Jeff Wilpon will be out of the competition early. Very early.

Moving back to the women’s side, or not, depending on your point of view, we have…. Divine!

Our next competitor may be our most controversial. He’s been in the news a lot lately, and we expect he’ll have a lot to say, here is…. Mel Gibson!

Mel has agreed to compete only on the condition of anonymity.

For our last two competitors, Gordon Ramsey has saved the best for last. This year, he has gone out of the box. Far, far out of the box.

We present…. Pepe Le Pew!

And, daringly, a kabuki mask!

Gordon Ramsey continues his streak of must-see television! In addition to the stars above, he’s even gone to the lengths of raiding the land of the dead!

Special bonus chef… John Belushi!

FOX television is proud to be the network of Gordon Ramsey, 52 weeks each year, non-stop. We hope that you will stay with FOX later this month for the premiers of Kitchen Nightmares: Mystery of the McDonald’s Grease, and Gordon Ramsey’s Junior Chefs, the competition for five to ten-year olds who like to play with fire.

Scrappers Mail: Letters from people who love Scrappers and hate me.

23 Sep

September 23, 2010

I get mail all the time from people who disagree with me about Scrappers, and if you look in the comments section you can see that they are usually well thought out and in the end I even tend to agree with most of what they have to say. So for the record: 

  • Yes, I do think the show is entertaining.
  • I do agree that all the scrappers are hardworking, even Darren, in his own slug-like way.
  • Noots, Sal, and the rest, are not bad people. (Though I confess, I get a laugh out of calling him “Noots.” What is his real last name? Nootsbaum?)
  • I take the show a bit differently than others because it is shot in my neighborhood.

Where we disagree is that I think that the producers at Spike TV do their best to make them look like wannabe mafia members, with stereotypical music and descriptions. I think the producers at Spike TV generally only show jobs where the scrappers look silly or make no money. How many times have we seen Dino and Mimmo lose money after a whole day of work? I think the producers at Spike TV intentionally create situations that have no basis in reality. Remember the episode where Dino and Mimmo picked up the old lady and took her to the hospital? That van is in no way safe for an old woman and, if during the course of filming a television show for Spike TV, she got injured, Dino, Mimmo, and the producers at Spike TV would be on the hook for a big lawsuit. In reality that would never be allowed. And at what point on screen did you see the woman sign a release for her image to be used on television? I think the producers at Spike TV do their best to make these guys look stupid (two episodes (!) ended with someone complaining about how much his genitals hurt) and in the process make the whole area look bad.

Or do you think that the video of Darren singing was made to get him a shot on American Idol? That was on the official Spike TV website! Of course they are making fun of him!

So I wasn’t too surprised when I received this unusually cogent and insightful email from a Mr. John G., whose last name I will only identify by an initial:

First of all I don’t think these guys look like jerks at all in fact to me they look like guys with their own reality show and a great one at that, so let me guess you will watch everyone of the episodes and hate on all of them and that is because you are just another hater.

Thanks John. Let me take this run-on sentence point by point.

I don’t think these guys look like jerks at all in fact to me they look like guys with their own reality show

If they don’t look like jerks to you, that’s fine. The ratings are good so obviously there are many people who agree with you. As for your cogent rebuttal that “they look like guys with their own reality show,” well, I take off my hat to you sir. I have no reply. You really got me there.

let me guess you will watch everyone of the episodes and hate on all of them

As you frequently read my blog, you know that I commented, either in general or specifically, on about 90% of the episodes. Did I “hate on” all of them? I think that I pointed out what I thought were the worst parts of each episode. You never saw me take a cheap shot at the scrapper’s girlfriends or call anyone a “hater,” for example, or point out that if a paragraph begins with “first of all” there should also be a “secondly.”

because you are just another hater.

No, it is because Scrappers blogs bring traffic to my website.

While I was still recovering my dignity from Mr. G. forcing me to concede that “ they look like guys with their own reality show,” Mr. G. wrote in again with another attack worthy of H. L. Mencken:

where is your show you clown your blog sucks

Again, Mr, G., you’ve bested me. You force me to concede that, sadly, I have no show.

At any rate, Scrappers is done for the season, and it ended on a high note. Darren got married (in a church I pass almost everyday), Noots got his scrap yard in Coney Island, Sal is still working hard.

So Mr. G., relax, put down your remote and attend some English classes, because this will be my last Scrappers blog.

Until next season.

Probably.