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Allan Keyes Presents: Idiocy Both Accidental and Purposeful.

13 May

May 13, 2013

keyes1.jpg

As the pre-eminent internets recapper in my apartment, I’d be remiss if I didn’t make a post on the latest THING. The FAIL newsreader, AJ Clemente:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (In fact, that was my first draft of this post, just the word HA repeated 800 times)

It’s brilliant, especially at the 14 second mark where he realizes that he’s not only on the air, but will be off the air shortly.  There’s very little I can comment on this except to note that while he is a dummy and a dullard – did you hear the awful monotone he read the news in? It’s like having Droopy Dawg anchoring – he’s also a pretty cool guy about it all. His twitter post after the debacle said it all “That couldn’t have gone any worse.”  I mean good for him. He’ll need that good sense of humor while the world laughs at him, at least until Lindsay Lohan’s next meltdown.

So let’s move on from an accident to an absolute EPIC FAIL creative decision by Mountain Dew, in what has been quite accurately described as the most racist commercial ever:

(Please click as this will not embed.) http://pjmedia.com/eddriscoll/2013/05/02/banned-mountain-dew-ad/

Here’s a network news story about it:

I’m sorry, but even the hardest-core Klansman would see how wrong this is.  Battered women! Corrupt cops! Stereotype thugs! A talking…..goat? Erm – ok whatever. This one is a veritable carnival of awfulness that would even make Don Rickles speechless. On the other hand, I’m inclined to forgive them, since a soda as truly awful as Goat Piss Mountain Dew and the people who drink it deserve a truly awful commercial. If you drink Mountain Dew I’m NOT apologizing – some things just need to be said.  And it’s not like racist commercials haven’t made it through the cracks before – remember this one that we wrote about:

And McDonalds still hasn’t  recovered from THIS disaster of an ad campaign:

(see what I did there?)

But here’s the thing – a genuine dope like AJ Clemente gets fired, fired oh sooooo fired, all for the crime of making a mistake. What are the chances that the brain trust (yeah that phrase is hack, sue me) behind that commercial who willingly and knowingly signed off on that steaming pile of fecalus at MULTIPLE points get no repercussions whatsoever? Your career can end 5 seconds after it starts for something petty and spontaneous and stupid, but a truly massive eff up, nothing. Great times we live in.  If North Dakota can’t take a few unintended curses, too effing bad. It’s the same thing as everyone yelling about David “Big Papi” Ortiz saying “fuck” in front of kids last week. YOU KNOW WHAT OUR WALL TO WALL NEWS WAS A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO?  A DEAD 8-YR OLD AND PEOPLE WHO HAD THEIR LEGS BLOWN OFF BY A COUPLE OF CRETINS, THAT’S WHAT. I THINK THE KIDS AND THE GOOD PEOPLE OF BISMARK CAN HANDLE A CUSS OR TWO.

The idiocy is strong in this nation – except for Mr. BTR of course.

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Allan Keyes: Fail Counterfeits!

29 Apr

April 29, 2013

keyes1.jpg

I was just wandering around the web the other day, and I was looking at old Mad Magazine archives – you know, back when Mad was actually funny and a legit part of the counter culture, as opposed to what it is now, a straight establishment hack factory that deserves to be put out of its’ misery. Dave Berg (“The Lighter Side”) and Mort Drucker were giants without compare.  Remember 43 Man Squamish http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/43-Man_Squamish  and Three Cornered Pitney? Yeah. Good times. Once Melvin and Jenkins debuted it was all downhill – but that’s a rant for another day. And believe me, rant I will. Anyway, while checking this stuff out, I came across this from the old Mad board game (which I used to have and am bidding on furiously on Ebay for a set now):

                         d1

Well, one thing led to another and I found myself looking at some sad examples of funny money. Laugh along with me at some of these sad counterfeits!

THE LAZY:

 d2

This one is just lazy. I mean common, did anyone REALLY expect this piece of idiocy to actually pass???  I’d actually give more respect to someone who just Xeroxed a dollar bill and tried to pass it to a colorblind guy. Heck, I’d actually respect this one better, at least they tried.

 d3

 

THE ODD:

 d4

These were actually passed at some Target stores in the Midwest. That the cashiers either didn’t know or care better, makes me weep.  I personally think they believed the bills were legit. But common! I mean NINE Dollars? What a fricking idiot number.  Hey, if you’re going to plaster this guy on a bill, I’d think this one was better:

 d5

But that’s just me. For those of you with a different worldview, here’s an equally stupid one with another President:

 d6

Not sure why $200 dollars, but hey, there you go.

Actually, given the direction of things nowadays, this one is most appropriate:

 d7

 

NOT COUNTERFEIT BUT AWESOME:

 d8

I think KISS actually sucks donkey dong (But Mr. Keyes, why don’t you tell us what you really think!) but I applaud the creativity for this one.

This one made me LOL:

 d9

I actually altered a bill to base off some the characters from Call of Duty, but that attracted “attention” from the ATF.

 And to finish things off, here’s my attempt, as bad as you’d expect:

 rrr

Obviously acceptable in all the finest burger joints across the land.

 

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