Archive | history RSS feed for this section

Mr. Know-It-All and the Mysteries of the Hebrews

9 Nov

from January 8, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All is back, kids! Listen to me and you’ll go far. Don’t listen to me and I may hit you over the head with a blunt object. Just kidding! Mr. know-It-All is a peaceful man.

This week, as I stumbled my way through yet another work week in a drunken haze, I came across this wonderful “Ask the Rabbi” site. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What is this shit I’m reading and what’s wrong with him?” The question you should be asking is: “Is Mr. Know-It-All qualified to tackle the tough issues of the Talmud? I know he’s handsome and gifted in the pants, but what is his background in the area of Judaic scholarship?” Let me explain.

At an early age, I received Rabbinical training from Mortimer Schultz, a cantor with a sore throat who was looking to make a few bucks on the side. Sadly, I never completed my training as I was called away to aid a mysterious old man and his two droids as they rescued a space-princess from the Death Star. I promised that I would return, but sadly my mentor died and I was turned to the Dark Side.

Now on with the advice, tools.

  

From: HMATTHEW@AOL.COM

 

A BOY AND HIS COINS

We have a new baby boy and I heard something about having to “buy him back from a kohen.” What do I have to do – and how much is this going to cost?

I know this from experience. I once had to buy a child back from a coven. It was 1978 and my family and I were driving across the desert. In the middle of nowhere, we were surrounded by a gang of satanic bikers, Hell’s Hellions, and they tied up my wife and forced my infant child into a side-car. I tried to stop them, but- what? You asked me about a coven. “Kohen?” What the fuck is a “kohen”? OK, the best I can do is that, right now, in Cambodia, babies go for about $3 a pound. Hope that helps.

—————————————————————-

And here’s the next Jew:

MARLBORO MAN?

From: Clifford Harroo of Port of Spain,Trinidad – charroo@saintmail.net 2/1/2000

I was born and raised on the island of Trinidad in the Caribbean. It appears that in the western world, a “man” is expected to be macho, keep up with the latest fashion, smoke, drink alcohol, be a womanizer, etc. But experience has shown me that there is something wrong with this definition.

Could you please give me a correct definition from the Torah of what a “man” should be?

The Torah is very clear on the subject: A man should have a penis. A big, thick, Mr. Know-It-All penis. A man should be a man at all times. Men in history, like Dean Martin, were drinkers. Benjamin Franklin was a drunk. Stephen Hawking was a star high school athlete until he became a drinker. Dick Cheney drinks formaldehyde. A man hits horses, a man swaggers when he walks, a man writes an advice column, dammit. In short, in my rabbinical opinion, Mr. Know-It-All is the only real man left.

——————————————————————–

Victim, er, letter-writer number three:

GRANDPA’S BAR MITZVAH

From: Jay Wallet – – jwallet@bealenet.com 2/1/2000

Many years ago, my grandfather turned 83 and decided to have a second Bar Mitzvah. This was held in conjunction with our oldest son’s Bar Mitzvah. My grandfather said that when you turn 83, its is like 13, since Torah gives a man’s life span as 70 years.

My question is, was my gramps putting one over on us, or was he correct?

You fell for the oldest Jewish trick in the book. The bible is full of nonsense like that. Stuff like “unleavened bread.” Do you know who created unleavened bread? The matzoh companies, that’s who. “Oh, it’s biblical” they say. Mr. Know-It-All says “bullshit!” Streits, Meullers, they’re all in it together. They can make bread cheaper without yeast and mark it way up for the holidays. They’re not fooling me. And this “second Bar-Mitzvah” nonsense is just more of the same. You grandfather ripped you off. Want to know some other things that are allegedly in the bible but aren’t?  How about Noah’s Ark? Who builds an arc if the world is ending? Now I admit that I have only read a few pages of the bible, but I didn’t see any Noah or his ark. If the world was ending I would grab the most beautiful woman I know or just the closest woman I see and tie her up and do stuff that if I wrote it here you’d all want it too. (The women I mean. No homo.)

———————————————————————–

Doing good so far:

From: Peter Walters – PeterWalters@bath221254.freeserve.co.uk

I often see a warning on printed material that says: “This contains the Name of God — please dispose of reverently.” I would be grateful if you could give me some advice on how this is done.”
“Reverently” in Mr. Know-It-All language means “with booze.”

———————————————————————-

 

STAR WARS MANIA

From: – ride_the_wave@juno.com 1/27/2000

I recently saw the new Star Wars film “The Phantom Menace” and couldn’t help but think about the spiritual undertones throughout the movie: the Force, the Dark Side, Jedi Knights and Lightsabers. What’s the Jewish perspective on all this?

Ah, the Jewish perspective. Frankly, Jews, Catholics, and almost all religions of the world agree on this topic: That film blows.

——————————————————————-

Mr. Know-It-All follows one tenet- what Mr. Know-It-All wants, Mr. Know-It-All gets.

Tags: , , ,

Grammar, capes, and me

9 Nov

from January 3, 2007

It is very interesting to me, and I’m the one who counts, that I can carry on epic email conversations with people that I see every day. If I’m not doing anything else and I’m on the computer, which is always, I can send umpteen bamillion emails, and I never let anything end because, let’s face it, I’m fascinating on the email, in person not so much. The real interesting part is that these massive electronic communiqués (HA! Take that!) are not, at all, ever referred to in any real, verbal, conversations that I may have in person, face to face, with the person to whom (proper use of “whom”- 5 points!) I am speaking. [And this is where I take a 90-degree turn and shift topic. Sit back and enjoy.] Go back and reread that last sentence. I’ll wait..………… Done? OK. I don’t talk like that. Yet I write like that.  I’m writing this more or less on the fly, composed in my head as I type, unedited. I wonder what an editor would do to this? First, the parenthetical asides (See? I am a writer. “Parenthetical asides” indeed. Sometimes I make myself sick with my smug intelligence.) would go. (Don’t you hate it when the aforementioned “parenthetical asides” are longer than the sentences they are interrupting? Here is the same sentence sans parentheses: First, (and should that be “firstly”? Ah crap, now I have to start over.) First, the parenthetical asides would go. Second(ly?) there are six(!) commas and about a thousand or so clauses in there. (Yet not one sanity clause. (“You can’t fool me. There’s no such thing as Santy Claus,” My first Chico Marx reference!)) Go back and check- that double parentheses is not a typo, though technically I should have used brackets inside the parenthesis. But who gives a fuck? Oh- I need to close the original parentheses here.) Done. This is like the second time I’ve had fun with parentheses in a blog. Go back and check. And yes, this is fun to me. And no, I refuse to break paragraphs here. This is a stream-of-consciousness deal here, so live with it. You only read this, but this ACTUALLY GOES ON IN MY HEAD. [And this is where I return to the original topic. You may need to reread the first few lines. It is all very confusing.] As I was saying, my conversations at work with real people are totally separate from the email conversations I have with the same people. Frankly, this is all I have to say about that. Let’s change topics again. Let’s talk about the death of James Brown. This was a very sad event. It was the end of an era. James Brown was, you see, perhaps the last man who could legitimately wear a cape. No one wears capes anymore. I don’t mean like superheroes. I mean real people. The fat Elvis wore capes; silly sequined ones, but capes nonetheless. Old British nannies wore capes, as did old British cops. Frank Costanza’s lawyer wore one. (And there I go violating the “real people rule,” but I love that episode and it was Larry David in the cape, and it ended with the line “Who are you?” “I’m Frank Costanza’s lawyer” so I’ll break the damn rule.) The movie star to whom all others are compared, and all others fall short, Bela Lugosi, wore a cape. He was buried in a cape! Tell me that’s not cool. So when James Brown died a certain era, a certain way of life, died with him. Like Frank Sinatra (Senior, not Junior- and who else laughed at my “Frank Sinatras Junior and Senior” joke in my last bulletin? Oh, only me.) Like Frank Sinatra before him (ignore the sentence fragment) Like Frank Sinatra before him, James Brown was the epitome of a certain, not just style, but way of living. Sinatra had that tough guy, macho, beat-up-the-commies swagger of the 1950’s and James Brown had something similar I’m sure but he had a cape too, damn it. Who else today can wear a cape? (I would have said Gerald Ford, had he not died. And now I’m using him as a mediocre joke in a James Brown gag. How sad. For me, not him.) Think about it. Would Tom Hanks wear a cape? Would Sir Ian McKellan wear a cape? Would Ludacris wear a cape? I think not, sir. (Say that in an offended upper class British accent for the full effect. Perhaps something out of Python.) So with James Brown goes the end of the cape era. But one question remains- what the hell should I do with all my capes? I have like a closet full of them and I don’t want to look like an idiot. I’m not going to wear them in public. People will think I’m mocking James Brown.

Tags: , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →