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First World Problems!

3 Dec

December 3, 2012

keyes

You’re all familiar with the concept of “First World Problems”, correct?  The common definition is “a frustration or complaint only experienced by privileged individuals in wealthy countries.” This is summed up below thanks to one of my favorite websites, memegenerator.net

                       first world problems meme

(I highly recommend this site for some great laughs. Check out Bad Luck Brian – remember him from Uncle Majic post? He’s the kid who unfortunately got raped – Scumbag Steve, and the rest of the memebots!)

 This is the first thing that jumped to my mind when I saw some of the following products. I don’t deny the cleverness of them, or that they solve modern annoyances…..but jeeze, you know? I’m as hard hearted as anyone but even I have limits:

1)      PIZZAZAZZZ!

Don’tcha hate it when you slice your pizza and the toppings and cheese slide off?  Well now this problem is solved! Presenting…..PIZZA SCISSORS!!!  A clever combination of scissors and spatula. Having so much food in one dish is such an inconvenience, isn’t it?

 pizza scisssors

 

This reminds me of South Park, where Starvin’ Marvin goes to the buffet with Cartman:

http://www.southparkstudios.fi/clips/150002/king-jimmys-buffet

NO STARVIN’ MARVIN, THAT’S MY POT PIE! AND SO WHAT IF YOU’RE STARVING, I NEED TO KEEP MY PIZZA TOPPINGS ON TOP OF MY SLICE GODDAMMIT!!!  (God help me though, I did order one. I do hate it when my meat stalker supreme falls apart before I can shotgun it like a pelican)

 2)      HUNT FOR RED FORKTOBER

 titanium spork 

Looks pretty harmless you say? Even kinda cute? Yes, and we all have fond memories of eating tater tots (yummy!!) in the school lunchroom. What makes this annoying to me is this is made of titanium. Yes…TITANIUM.

According to Wikipedia entry for titanium: “two most useful properties of the metal form are corrosion resistance and the highest strength-to-weight ratio of any metal. In its unalloyed condition, titanium is as strong as some steels, but 45% lighter.”  You know what titanium is used for? Submarine hulls:

 sub 

Reactors:

 reactor

 

This valuable metal is used to help create the pinnacles of human achievement…….and sporks. FEH.  Sweet meteorite of doom, you can come take us any time now.

 

3)      TACO SOLO ESTUPIDO

individual taco caddy

¿Si molesto cuando su delicioso, carga taco siempre se vuelca, enviando su deliciosa comida que fluye en la placa? Poner un taco en una placa en el lado de it ahora es demasiado inconveniente para nosotros, necesitamos para poner nuestros alimentos en carritos individuales poco pequeñita para que nosotros mismos desfiladero en las comidas de la Inmaculada. Personalmente Limpie mis tacos con “Pledge” antes de comer para conseguir ese brillo de nuevo taco!

4)      BECAUSE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SHOULD NEVER MIX (or you’re too lazy to wash 2 knives)

pbj

Remember the days when we were proud to mix our food?

I prefer this take on it though… 

Now if the PB mixes with the J a second before it hits the bread, we freak out. What a nation of prissypants we’ve become. When I was a kid I used to make PB&J by scooping it out with my hands and I survived. ( I REGRET NOTHING!!!!!!! But don’t tell my parents, they’d be pretty fouled out to know)

 

5)      IT’S COME TO THIS

 lazy glasses

 

Glasses that allow us to read, watch porn, or play video games while laying flat on our backs.  We’re officially too lazy to even sit up to watch TV anymore. You know what’s next?

(apologies for the awful clip quality)

South Park, Family Guy AND Simpsons clips? I hit the trifecta this week!

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Imponderable #71: England

30 Nov

November 30, 2012

Remember Pippa Middleton? Wasn’t she one of the Hobbits? I don’t know anymore and I didn’t care ever. Back when Prince Freddie and Princess Ungo got married, or whoever, she was there, I think. I never got caught up in the Royal Family Wedding Hysteria. In fact, and this is how my mind works, when I read the name “Pippa Middleton” this is what I thought of:

Hmm, perhaps the Imponderable should be “How does my mind work?”

We’ll save that for another time.

What a brain! From the “math is hard” school of little girl’s role models, here is some more of her advice found in online reviews of her book. These are real:

“Nowadays,” she continues, “I frequently celebrate Halloween over a supper with friends. It’s a wonderful excuse to let your imagination run riot with gory-looking food and special effects.” Among her suggestions:  “Stir witchy cauldrons of pumpkin soup; hang homemade spiders inside window nooks; string cobwebs on tables; and haunt gardens, attics, and stairways with ghosts made from sheets.”

This is a professional party planner, ladies and gentlemen. By her standards (use sheets to make a ghost) every eight-year old is a party planner too.

Seriously? Here is what I learned from her book.

1- Turkeys are big so they can feed a lot of people.
2- Boxes are good for keeping things in.
3- Halloween is a spooky time of year.

This is why she is more known for this:

than she is for this:

Just as a point of reference, here is that Peppa Pig that seems to be setting England aflame:

I still prefer Henrietta Hippo myself.

I guess the real question is why anyone would care what Pippa Middleton thinks about anything in the first place?

The question is Imponderable.
And also hypocritical given the fact that America may be the most starstruck nation in the world. But if I had to ask someone for advice about anything, I think I would probably ask Pippa Middleton before Khloe Kardashian.

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