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So You Want To Be A Traveling Salesman- A Primer (Classic Repost)

26 Jun

June 26, 2012

from December 27, 2007

Congratulations salesman! You have chosen a noble profession, The roots of traveling salesmanship can be traced back to ancient Greece. Ancient salesmen traveled a well worn path between Troy and Sparta selling a primitive form of Tupperware. Sample cases were rather large and heavy, as Tupperware was made mostly of stone. The Romans soon improved on the sales trade and traveling Roman salesmen used castrated slaves to carry their samples. Today’s modern salesman has little use for castratos as samples can be carried in a simple briefcase.

PART ONE- WHAT TO SELL?

Good salesmen are well aware of demographics, sales trends, and economic forecasts. For example, even the poorest salesman should be able to sell water in a desert. It would take a better salesman to sell water in an urban city. The best salesman would have sold water to Titanic survivors while the ship went down. In fact, Herbert F. Braithewaite did just that and in 1913 was inducted into the National Traveling Salesman Hall of Fame in Utica New York, posthumously. If you go “above and beyond” the call of duty you too may end up as Mr. Braithewaite.

Traveling salesmen have at their disposal a wide array of data upon which to base their sales decision. Often, the decision is based on one simple fact of sales- buy cheap and sell high. What can you buy cheaply and sell high? *

*The National Board of Traveling Salesman does not condone drug proliferation or prostitution.

 Your product should be small and portable, to allow ease of travel, yet large enough to look impressive. It should have a high profit margin and allow for repeat sales. It should be a common item yet also be highly desirable. Some suggestions include encyclopedias, vacuum cleaners, and marital aids.

PART TWO- TRAVELING

It has often been said that a good salesman is like a jazz musician- both have plenty of “sole.” This truism has been proven throughout the years. Expect to put many miles on your car and wear out many shoes as you travel the country. Yet you should also expect to see many sites of natural beauty and historic significance. Try to avoid these areas as these are generally low sales zones.

It is usually a good idea to plan your itinerary before hand to make best use of your route. A good route will take you through the most areas in the shortest span of time. For example, a good route through Brooklyn, New York will take you through Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, and Gravesend. A bad route through Brooklyn will take you through East New York.

PART THREE-TIPS FOR COLD CALLING

“Cold calling” is a sales term for trying to make a sale when there has no preliminary groundwork, such as phone calls or pamphlets mailed to the home. Here are some do’s and don’ts for successful cold calls:

– Do not make sales calls at a funeral home during a funeral. It may be tempting due to the great number of people gathered, but sales data shows that mourners generally don’t care to spend money at a funeral, viewing, or wake.

– Do pay attention to the needs of your customers. For example, do not try to sell silverware in a housing project. Do try to sell sneakers.

– Do pay good attention to your appearance. A salesman who has stains on his tie, a wrinkled suit, and a four-day growth of beard may be picked up by the police in higher class neighborhoods.  (Some traveling salesman have seen this as an opportunity. Neville Sanderson in 1971 sold three dozen cases of novelty toy water guns while sitting in the holding room of the Plainsboro Police Department. He was salesman of the month for April, though he was later charged and found guilty of aiding and abetting a mass breakout of prisoners from the same prison using his water guns.)

CONCLUSION

The creed of the traveling salesmen has always been “integrity.” Despite the hundreds of traveling salesman jokes, the salesman who sleeps with the farmer’s daughter is the exception, not the rule. In fact, the National Board of Traveling Salesmen has been locked on litigation with farmer Rufus Frederick Jones of Wheeling West Virginia and his buxom daughter Josie for spreading the lies of philandering salesmen. Evidence shows that the pies left on their window sill and the advances by young Josie were legal entrapment and the divorce of salesman Paul Collins on grounds or infidelity should be overturned.

Allow me to be the first to welcome you to the world of Traveling Salesmanship. We look forward in the coming weeks to providing you with the support you need in your new career, as well as our weekly newsletter, The Willie Loman Gazette.

Arthur William Rotnac

President

National Board of Traveling Salesmen

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Late Night Movie House of Crap: Mr. B Natural

13 Jun

June 13, 2012

A couple of years back, in the pre-Late Night Movie House era, I posted Some Monday Afternoon Mystery Science Theater 3000 featuring one of the best and notorious shorts they ever riffed over, Mr. B Natural. (Funniest line? Joel mooning “Mr. B you’re hot!”) I’ll take the lazy high school term paper writer way out and copy from wikipedia. In case you didn’t know it, wikipedia is available in over 285 languages, so the next time some foreign power starts running down the American educational system, just tell them that fact. Then wait for their country’s test scores to drop too.

Mr. B Natural is an androgynous figure, a “hep pixie” who is meant to embody the “spirit of fun in music”. In this capacity, the character inspires children to take up band instruments. The name is a pun on the musical notation B♮ (B natural), as the character explains: “that’s what your feelings of music are, as natural as you can be.”

The character also acts as a kind of nascent brand mascot for C.G. Conn musical instruments, though Mr. B Natural made no appearances for the company beyond the one film.

Conn provided details about the film in the Spring 1957 issue of their magazine, The Baton, distributed to public school music teachers: “Mr. B Natural is the spirit of music in everyone…a sort of LepreCONN who is always no more than an inch away from the fingertips of anyone. Mr. B has a code however, that prohibits him from showing himself for anyone unless he reaches out and calls for the spirit of music. In full color, Mr. B Natural entertainingly answers the call of Buzz, a shy, reticent teen-ager and for twenty-six minutes and forty seconds explains how music and playing a musical instrument will help develop posture, breathing, self-confidence, coordination and in general a young person’s character. Mr. B gives both youthful and adult audiences ease to take instruction in the values of music. The Film is being made available by the Band Instrument Division of Conn through Conn dealers everywhere.”

In captions for the productions photos included in the three-page essay, the title character is consistently referred to as “he”, an indication that Conn intended Mr. B to be of the male gender. However, in an instance of reverse-gender casting similar to the casting of Mary Martin as Peter Pan, (“Mary Martin syndrome” as Kevin Murphy says when writing about his experiences with the short film), the role was cast with an actress, Betty Luster, who had been a television musical variety star only a few years before.

The action opens upon the musical stave in which Mr. B Natural lives. Mr. B addresses the audience directly, in an effort to appear welcoming, and explains what it means to be a spirit of music. Awaiting a person’s call for help, Mr. B evinces sympathy and concern for lonely junior high student Buzz Turner.

Buzz shows an interest in music like the more popular kids at school, but is so shy that he makes excuses to not attend a dance, even when a girl directly invites him. Dejected, Buzz returns home and puts on a record. This magically summons Mr. B into the adolescent boy’s bedroom, whereupon the pixie uses magic, music and dance to convince Buzz to take up playing the trumpet.

In visiting the music dealership, Buzz’s parents are reassured by the salesman that buying a trumpet is “simply making a small investment in your son’s lifetime personality.” When Buzz mentions that he didn’t care what make his new horn would be, he is upbraided by Mr. B Natural, and is treated to a detailed description of the C. G. Conn factory and laboratories.

Through the gift of music and the help of his mysterious friend, Buzz finds the confidence and assertiveness he needs to try out for the school band, impress girls, and play solo at concerts and school dances.

A “hep pixie”? Really?

Anyway, it doesn’t take much for me to post this short because it really needs to be seen to be believed, but unlike the first time I put this up I have the original, uncut, and unriffed version for you to enjoy, with footage cut out of the MST3K version.

But don’t worry, I’ll post the Satellite of Lover version right below.

And now…BEHOLD!

Here it is, the amazing classic Misite riff:

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