Like A Walrus Needs A Clam?

28 Jun

June 28, 2012

You need me
Like a walrus
needs a clam
Like a fat kid
needs a ham
You need me

ANNOUNCER: Yes, I’m sure that everyone within the sound of my voice on the WBTR airwaves remembers those words. Hi, I’m Bruce E. Freedkin and the writer of that beautiful verse from the #1 hit single of 1958, “Eat Me, Porcupine,“ is here with me in the studio. He turns 97 today! Welcome to the show, Max Duffy! Hi Max, how are you today?

MAX: Eat me, porcupine.

ANNOUNCER: That was such a great song, how did you ever come up with it?

MAX: Well, back then we used to work in the Brill Building, all of us song writers. It was wonderful. All of us like-minded people, song writers, just writing music, playing music, sitting around piano, banging out tunes, high on pot, naked as jay birds-

ANNOUNCER: I’m sorry, did you just say-

MAX: There was always plenty of blow around back then too. And the broads! I remember one time Carol King did this thing with her-

ANNOUNCER: Excuse, me, are you saying that back then, when you were writing hit songs for the likes of Tony Bennett and Frank Sinatra you were all just, just, –

MAX: Stoned out of our minds. But it wasn’t just the drugs or the booze, it was the power. We were kings! I remember one day not long after Summer Wind was a hit for Frankie we brought in a sack of kittens and some baseball bats and we-

ANNOUNCER: What? I’m sorry but we have to go to-

MAX: -just for the hell of it. Who was going to stop us? We were hot hit song writers, dammit! We did what we wanted! We got The Supremes mixed up with a coven of witches. Except that damn Diana Ross, she was a [BLEEP], quit the group over it. And the orgies!

ANNOUNCER: OK! WOW! That’s it! Thanks Max Duffy! (faintly off mic) Cut his mic! Cut his mic!

MAX: I [BLEEP]ed Marilyn Monroe on a pile of fifties!  


Cut to commercial

The Brill Building. Home of money, madness, and murder.


10 Responses to “Like A Walrus Needs A Clam?”

  1. bmj2k June 28, 2012 at 12:05 am #

    Mr. BTR’s Blog Notes:
    1- I was inspired by a good friend to continue writing a certain genre, not htis or yesterday’s, because she beleives there is a possible book there. However, I had the Hollywood Russel story to finish first.
    2- I challenged myself to do these 2 blogs in no more than one type-written page. I had some more rules but that’s for another time.
    3- The Hollywood Russell tale came out pretty quickly, but this one sprang fully formed and took less than 10 minutes (maybe 5) to write. Strange how the mind works.
    4- Anyone recognize the tune I am paying homage to in the opening?


    • zathra June 28, 2012 at 4:52 am #

      You’re paying homage ( sorta ) to ” I Am the Walrus ” ?


      • bmj2k June 28, 2012 at 6:02 am #

        Not even the same universe.


        • bmj2k June 28, 2012 at 6:27 am #


          • zathra June 28, 2012 at 6:34 am #

            Ah, my nostalgia radar was off. But I remember this nice little dose of nostalgia. 😉


        • zathra June 28, 2012 at 6:29 am #

          My deductive abilities are usually a heck of a lot better when I’m not being decaffeinated.


  2. Mac of BIOnighT June 28, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    This is pretty shocking, in a way… is it about real people or events? It’s a punch in the stomach, but/and I thoroughly loved it!!!!
    And I vote in favor of the book idea 🙂

    I’m not into Sinatra or sinatra-like stuff, but I recently purchased an album by one of my favorite singers, Roger Pontare, entirely dedicated to Sinatra’s songs and I was absolutely amazed when I heard cocaine mentioned in one of the songs (“I get a kick out of you”) in such a matter-of-fact way, as if it was nothing… This story reminded me of that.

    Odd how the reality behind what we love can turn out to be so squalid and un-poetic sometimes…


    • bmj2k June 28, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      There are no real people behind this, but the Brill building was long the home of songwriters, that its claim to fame.


  3. Mac of BIOnighT June 28, 2012 at 7:13 pm #

    And, let me add, I would definitely read a 200-pages book with stories like today’s or yesterday’s – i don’t know what other genre you intend to write, but this is great.


    • bmj2k June 28, 2012 at 11:37 pm #

      I will send you some email about this. Remind me if I don’t get to it soon.


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