Staten Island

Did you know that Staten Island is more than just a way to get to New Jersey? I discovered that this week when I crossed the Verrazano Bridge and did not go straight through to the Goethals Bridge.

That’s the usual route. After you cross the Verrazano into Staten Island, you pay your $10 and give a DNA sample and then close your eyes and take a nap. Don’t worry about driving with your eyes closed, this is the Staten Island Expressway- nobody drives! Sponsored by Sleepy’s, the Mattress Professionals, the Staten Island Expressway is actually the first rest area on the New Jersey Turnpike. Better known as The Guy Molinari Rest Area, this vital link to New Jersey reaches an average speed of nearly 10 mph during the week, up to 12 mph on Sundays.

Of course, you don’t have to cross the Goethals Bridge. Staten Island offers many other points of interest, like The Outerbridge Crossing to New Jersey.

However, “America’s Gateway to New Jersey” has things to offer totally unrelated to getting to New Jersey. I was intrigued to discover that, despite any real attraction, people live on Staten Island. Yes, it is true. Staten Island has many houses situated on “terraces,” large cliffs overlooking the Staten Island Expressway. A few years ago, one of the restraining walls near the expressway collapsed and a home tumbled onto the highway.

Staten Island is also home to tanker trucks and rail freight. Staten Island has a mall. Staten Island has a lake. Popularly known as “Crystal Lake” (so named after the lake in Friday the 13^th where Jason killed some camp kids,) Clove Lake is home to Staten Island’s many friendly teenagers. Evidence of these teenagers can be found on Sunday mornings, when parks department employees sweep up scores of used condoms from the picnic areas.

On this particular day I braved the Verrazano Bridge and immediately got off the SI Expressway at the first possible exit. Fortunately this turned out to be the exit I needed. If I had to go to the Staten Island Mall I may still be stuck in traffic today. My goal was Bay Street, and I was immediately in my comfort zone. I live a block from BAY Parkway, and to drive on any street without “Bay” in the name makes me rather nervous.

Bay Street is a long street that may or may not be near a bay. During the five or ten minutes I drove, I passed through a nice residential area, a barren area, a run down residential area, another barren area, and then I realized that I was driving in circles and stopped the car. A quick peak at my mapquest directions later and I was on my way.

My goal was Ralph McKee High School. Who is Ralph McKee? A brief and uninspired search of Yahoo turned up a few suspects. First, there is a Ralph McKee who plays bass in a band in Ann Arbor. There is also a Ralph McKee who was an educator, albeit in Kansas. I also found a Ralph McKee who owns a club called Bodacious Classics in Portland Oregon. I’ll just assume the school is named after him.

Ralph McKee HS is in the center of a cluster of one-way streets, none of which lead to the school. It sits in the center of some kind of Mobius strip. I believe it does not exist in three-dimensional space.

It is one block away from the home of the Staten Island Yankees. I used to work near Keyspan Park, home of the Brooklyn Cyclones, so I get to stay in the McNamara Division of the New York-Penn League. One day I hope to work near Citi Field and move up to the majors.

Parking is a problem on Staten Island. This is only partially alleviated by the acres of parking on the Staten Island Expressway. I parked on a nice residential street about a block from the school and started walking. About ten feet ahead of me a car opened and a woman got out and started walking in the same direction. So we were both walking down the narrow street, almost next to each other. There was no room to pass and she was walking more slowly than I was. Every few steps I was in danger of bumping into her so I’d slow down and let her get ahead, but she was so slow I’d catch up. So I walked in the sort of gait seen on Patterson’s Bigfoot video in an attempt to keep from knocking her over.

Wouldn’t you know she was going to the same place I was? We both got to the entrance of the school and went in together. The woman turned out to be some sort of secretary at the school, and how’s that for making a first impression?

The school itself is small and reminded me of a junior high. That was perfect, as my interviewer reminded me of a junior high student. Charlton Heston’s classic line from Planet of the Apes rang through my head: “If this is the best they have to offer, in six months we’ll be running this place.” That was immediately before the gorillas showed up, killed his partners, and put Taylor in line for a lobotomy.

After an interview which was more of a formality, I was back in my car and ready to explore more of what Staten Island has to offer. It turns out that SI has nothing else to offer so I headed back to the bridge and home.

As I drove back down Bay Street I spotted the superstructure of a battleship looming over some buildings. So either Staten Island was being invaded by Brooklyn, and trust me we can take them, there was a naval base there. I love that sort of thing so I tried to drive to the next block to see which ship it was. This was easier said than done, much easier, as every street that led to the next block was a one-way street going the wrong way. I do not understand how that was possible but it was. Somehow I traveled through some cosmic wormhole and ended up smack in front of the ship. It was The Intrepid, fresh from its refit in New Jersey and awaiting its move back to Manhattan. Totally cool, as the West Side of NYC is not the same since the ship left.

So I wanted to get back to Bay Street but, inexplicably, every street was a one way street heading in the wrong direction. Again. But somehow I got back to Bay Street and crossed the bridge, and home.

I look forward to working on Staten Island- the EZ Pass, the confusing streets, the traffic, but most of all the culture. (I’m just kidding, there is no culture there.)