My Review of Hancock

Hancock is the current Fourth of July weekend blockbuster. Will Smith both stars in and produced this biopic of Herbie Hancock, the legendary jazz musician who suddenly developed powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal humans.

Born in 1940, Herbie Hancock has gained renown as a leading figure in jazz. He has won multiple Grammy and Academy Awards, most notably for his 2007 tribute album “River: The Joni Letters,” which won the 2008 Grammy award for Album of the Year, only the second jazz album to win the award.

When the film opens, Will Smith’s Herbie Hancock is drunk, sleeping on a park bench outside the offices of Sony BMG Music Entertainment, his record label. He is awakened by a young kid with a synthesizer who tells him to “play some jazz fusion, Hancock.” Unfortunately, Herbie Hancock has completely lost his memory. His memories only go back a few years, to when he awoke in the hospital with a cracked skull. Totally by coincidence, this is also when his amnesia begins.

Having no memory of jazz fusion, but now possessing superpowers, Hancock tells the cute little kid to “fuck off” and flies away. Oh, did I mention that Hancock is as drunk as Mr. Know-It-All on a good day? Herbie Hancock flew blindly, almost crashing into a TWA jet whose pilot was only marginally more sober than he was.

Herbie Hancock’s idea of stopping criminals was to shove one criminals head up another criminal’s ass. Believe me, it was effective. And graphic. If only the real penal system operated that way.

Hancock had no memory of his past. He would sometimes stalk Miles Davis, sure that the musician held the key to his past, but a restraining order kept him at least one hundred feet away.

As much as Herbie Hancock fought crime and caught criminals, he caused even more collateral damage. For example, a group of masked thugs tried to rob a bank. The vault contained just over three million dollars. During the apprehension, Hancock crashed through a wall ($85,000), destroyed an armored car ($185,000), melted an entire bank of computers ($200,000), tossed the money from three ATMs to the assembled crowd ($450,000), and created nearly $6,000,000 in assorted property damage and lawsuit settlements. If he just had let the crooks steal the money, the city would have lost only half of what it did, and three girl scouts would still be alive.

Eventually Hancock realized that he missed the applause of the crowd. Though he didn’t remember his concerts, he still had a strange urge for adoration. Therefore he hired Jason Bateman as his public relations representative. Trust me, it made sense when I watched the film. Not so much right now though, I admit.

Jason Bateman has been working a lot lately. In his youth, he lost nearly every role he auditioned for to Michael J. Fox. Nowadays, with Fox otherwise occupied, Bateman has been getting every part that would have normally gone to ol’ twitchy.

Hancock and Bateman turn out to be an unbeatable team. Bateman taught Hancock to shave and stop crushing people’s pets when he landed. Hancock taught Bateman how to play “Watermelon Man” on the flute.

Many films are predicated on implausible coincidences. Coincidentally, so is this. It turns out that Jason Bateman’s wife is none other than Hancock’s superpowered wife, whom he forgot due to the amnesia. (Perhaps this is the time for a spoiler warning.) She left him years before when he fell off the stage at a concert in Pasadena (where he cracked his skull) and took all his money. He had amnesia, he didn’t even remember what money was.

Where did Herbie Hancock get his superpowers? Why did he insist on stopping crime instead of committing crime, as I would? Would he ever play electro-funk on the moog synthesizer again?It would not be fair of me to tell you. But trust me, everything works out: Hancock’s wife stays with Jason Bateman and Hancock moves to New York, where he gets a job playing bass with Paul Schaeffer on the Letterman show.

The absolute low point of this movie had to be the trailer for Starship Troopers 3. THREE? Are they kidding me?