from November 4, 2006
I’m tired. And like there is no better time to drive than when you are drunk, there is no better time to write a blog than when you are tired.
I like writing. I get to say the most ridiculous things and since nobody reads this blog, (OK, except you- whoever you are) nobody ever complains. For example, I could write that “I can’t stand the way all those science teachers get away with hurling feces around the cafeteria” and no one would call me on it. Likewise, I could write that “I have banged every woman in the Phi Beta Epsilon fraternity” and no one would ever write to me to say “Hey dumbass- women join sororities, not fraternities.” Yes, that kind of inaccurate misinformation is my stock in trade. (And isn’t misinformation inaccurate by definition? That’s why I need an editor.)
Blogs usually are about stuff. Stuff like topics. Interesting topics are good. So I’ve got a list of topics that I can choose from. Here it is:
– Why I want to destroy the lives of three of my coworkers.
– Oreo cookies- good, huh?
– What happened to the plaid shirt I’m sure I put in the drycleaners but didn’t get with the rest my clothes?
– Ten great things about Michelle Gerber.
– A review of the TV show Lost
– Who says I can’t own a gun?
– You talkin’ to me?
– I have an idea for an invention.
Well, to be totally honest (I do that sometimes) I don’t want to write about any of those. I think that this blog will be a sort of metafiction thing, something post-something-or-other, stream-of-consciousness, too-many-hyphens kind of thing. Something with literary pretensions but most likely crappy, with a dash of the aforementioned “inaccurate misinformation.”
Just saw William Shatner on a commercial. What is he, 80 years old? The guy has all the acting skills of a less talented Adam West yet he’s got like a dozen Emmy Awards and love of Trek Geeks worldwide. Aw, who am I kidding- I’d love to be William Shatner! Who wouldn’t? The guy is rich up the wazoo and everybody loves him. (OK, except for the people he worked with. They all hate him. James Doohan’s last words on his deathbed were “fuck Shatner, that bald prick.” What- they weren’t? They should have been. That would have rocked.) Ever hear his version of “Mr. Tambourine Man”?
And come to think of it, I seem to have a problem with this keyboard. Oh sure, this blog looks all neat and professional but that damn keyboard doesn’t do caps well. Every cap that you see here was originally lowercase and I had to go back and fix it. I suppose I could do an e e cummings thing (“cummings,” huh huh- “Hey Beavis- he said “cummings.” “Whoa Butthead- you said it too!” “Cool. I said ‘cummings’ uh huh huh.”) –where was I? Oh- I suppose I could do an e e cummings (still funny!) thing and write all in lowercase but I say that e e was an ass ass. Pretentious dwad, all full of himself, all like “I’m going to write without any capital letters. You all suck if you use caps. I’m E E CUMMINGS, BITCH!” Nope, that’s not for me. I’m a man of the people. And the common man uses capital letters. When he’s not stoned.
Now a word about the common man. The common man blows. There. I’ve said it. The average guy is a jerk. No ambition. No brains. Stuck in a lousy job being kept down by the man, owing money to the Fed and living paycheck to almost paycheck. Get up, go to work, go home, start over the next day. And the common woman? Have you ever been to Jersey? My God, what a state full of the lowest common denominator. So the average person is not worth that time I’ve taken to type all of this and go over all the lowercase letters to make them caps. Do I sound like a snob? Damn right I am. Or maybe I’m not. I said at the outset that I’m tired. I don’t know what I’m doing. People seem to think I’m a nice guy. Or are they all lying to me? Hmmmmm……… (See? Told you I’m tired.)
Ever notice that you never see Clark Kent and Superman in the same place at the same time? For seventy freakin’ years Lois Lane never put two and two together. All he did was put on a pair of glasses. You’re supposed to be a reporter! How stupid are you?
I’ve noticed it too. I tend to rant and yell in these things. Or worse, when Mr. Know-It-All shows up to give advice, I’ll write things I never would say in front of an actual person.
And I’m never going to stop. Unless I fall asleep.
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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