Tag Archives: pizza

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

3 Sep

September 3, 2013

Is there anything more manly than cheese?

Frankly there is.

  • Fighting a lion
  • Farting in public
  • Testicles

But not one of them goes great on a burger.

Cheese is awesome! Put it on a burger, nachos, pretzels, melt it on a sandwich, squirt it straight out of the can, lick it off the body of someone you love, whatever you do with it, cheese rocks!

Which is why I had to stop and take this picture.

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I was in New Jersey with Allan Keyes filming doing something I contractually can’t talk about Yes, those are my legs reflected in the window. Aren’t I a great photographer? But artistry be damned, we are talking about cheese! No phony “cheez” here, no plastic gooey stuff, this is the real deal C-H-E-E-S-E! Cheese!

Aside from bacon (mmmm, bacon) what else is there that is such an awesome food? Nothing. If all you had to eat in life were cheese and bacon you’d be very, very happy. And probably die of a massive heart attack in a few weeks but who cares? CHEESE!

So being a cheese loving man I had to stop at the amazingly named Cheese Cave (because when it comes to cheese, we are all cavemen at heart. “MMMM, want more cheese!”) and take a picture of the front window. I could only imagine all the varieties they must have inside- cheddar, Swiss, American, um, cheddar…

I would have loved to go in and browse, maybe buy a pound or ten, but something stopped me. It was a little voice, the voice of reason maybe, or perhaps my conscience, knowing how all that cheese would clog my arteries and make my cholesterol higher than Snoop Dogg/Lion in Mexico, but whatever, it was, it would not let me go in.

“The store is closed, dumb ass.” It was Keyes.

So I left New Jersey, salivating, my hunger for cheese unfulfilled. But don’t worry, there is a happy ending.

We stopped for pizza on the way home. Extra cheese.

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Earnest Pizza

13 Mar

March 13, 2013

I had a boss some years ago at another job, back when I was a teacher. He came to mind just recently when I overheard a cheesy game show host on some cable station. The difference is that while the host seemed so fake and phoney, this man seemed incredibly true to himself. This is what I said about him back then.

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I’ve got a pretty good boss at work. He’s pretty honest and pretty fair and easy to get along with. If he has a flaw, it is that he’s so earnest. He comes across as a big boy scout (and he looks and dresses like one too.) Imagine all of these things said in a broad and overly, well, earnest voice.

  • “Hey buddy, really great to see you this fine morning.”
  • “This is all due to the fine work of the very excellent people you see gathered before me.”
  • “I would like you to meet, truly, some of the finest teachers it has been my pleasure to work with.”
  • “This is some quite fine work which I see here, and I do believe that it is reflective of the great effort which you have clearly put into it.”
  • “You are all, each and every one of you, to be commended.”

None of that is an act. My boss is really that way in real life. How do I know? Because I overheard him ordering pizza. You know what? He spoke to the pizza guy THE SAME EXACT WAY HE SPEAKS TO US.

“Hi. I’ve been using your pizza delivery service for quite some time now and I’d like to say that I am very satisfied with the quality of your service. Your delivery people are to be commended. To that end, I’d like to order two more of your fine pizza pies.”

Yes, really, that’s how he ordered pizza last week.

And for the record, the pizza was thin, cold, and tasteless.

 

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