Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride

from May 13, 2008

The Burden of Being Me
Or
Tell the Man Behind the Deli Counter that his Salami is Showing

(Pick whichever title you like. Neither has anything to do with this blog.)

So it has been an interesting two weeks. (EDUCATIONAL NOTE: Here is a hint for all of you aspiring writers out there. I started this blog with “so it has been” to give the feeling of picking up a conversation, to create the impression of already being in stride, to avoid all the awkwardness of writing things like introductions and explanations. Don’t do this on the Regents exam. Only do this in blogs.)

So it has been an interesting two weeks. As I have stated. (EDUCATIONAL NOTE: Don’t write like me.)

So it has been an interesting two weeks. (And by now you all know where this is going [EDUCATIONAL NOTE WITHIN A BRACKET: Don’t start a sentence with “and.”] so don’t complain later when you feel like you’ve read this blog three or four times before. And [SEE PREVIOUS EDUCATIONAL NOTE] [THE ONE WITHIN THE BRACKET.] [<- IGNORE THE SENTENCE FRAGMENT, PLEASE.] be sure, you’ll read this sort of thing again. I am truly sorry.)

(You know what is coming. Brace yourselves.) So (Don’t say you weren’t warned.) it has been an interesting two weeks. Firstly (WRITERS TIP 1: When using “firstly” be sure to follow it up with a “secondly.” Southern writers may choose to the more regional and less intelligent sounding “nextly.”). Firstly (sigh) I spent the week sick with an eye that belonged not so much to me as it did to the tiny little things swimming around in my bloodstream. I’ve already written about that in another blog you may have chosen to ignore. I did- I wrote it in my sleep! Secondly, (see?) I spent the last week at work (WRITERS TIP 2: Always follow up something labeled 1 with 2, even if you really have nothing to follow it up with. It is easier than going back, deleting something, etc. Forward! Progress! 1040 or fight! [Or whatever. Remember the Alamo!]) being stubborn and let me tell you (WRITERS TIP AND/OR EDUCATIONAL TIP, I’VE KIND OF GOTTEN THEM CONFUSED something: “let me tell you” is what we professional writers call a “rhetorical question.” [NOTE: It isn’t actually a question. I know that.] It is a special type of grammatical statement invented by Margaret Mitchell in her 1936 best-selling novel “Gone With the Wind.” In that novel, Southerner Rhett Butler would often say things like “let me tell you” when addressing Scarlett O’Hara. For example, as Atlanta was burning, Rhett turned to Scarlett and said “let me tell you, that’s one helluva weenie roast.” Who can ever forget the ending of the novel when Rhett again turned to Scarlett and said “we’ll always have Paris,” to which she replied “forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown”? Let me tell you, Margaret Mitchell was one helluva writer.)

HA! See what I did? I totally screwed up that paragraph! You were so engrossed in my tale of how Margaret Mitchell invented the “Rhettorical” question (and marveling at my use of “helluva” which I never use. Except when I do.) that you didn’t notice that I never finished my sentence. Yup, that’s right. I began with “I spent the last week at work being stubborn and let me tell you” and that was it. (EDUCATIONAL WRITER’S TIP 8%: While repeating yourself is a good way of killing space, it is a bad way or writing. I learned that from William Faulkner. In his introduction to the 1961 edition of “As I Lay Dying,” he wrote “Let me tell you, while repeating yourself is a good way of killing space, it is a bad way of writing.” )

I am going to do you all a favor. I am going to recap this blog by reprinting all the actual subject stuff without any of the parentheses or brackets.

So it has been an interesting two weeks. Firstly I spent the week sick with an eye that belonged not so much to me as it did to the tiny little things swimming around in my bloodstream. I’ve already written about that in another blog you may have chosen to ignore. I did- I wrote it in my sleep! Secondly, I spent the last week at work being stubborn and let me tell you

Really, that’s it.

So to recap, what have we learned this week?
Firstly, I managed to fill a page and a half with crap.
Nextly, parentheses and brackets are good writer’s tools when you have nothing to say.
Thirdishly, Margaret Mitchell and William Faulkner are easy targets to make fun of. They are both dead and thus, or thusly, (?) unable to sue. Is Faulkner dead? I assume he is. He hasn’t written much lately. Maybe he’s just lazy.

WRITER’S EDUCATIONAL TIP The end: Permission is hereby granted by the author to reproduce this work for educational classroom purposes only. I dare you.

Tags: bmj2k, Faulkner, Mr. Blog, Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride