In Search of… The Chupacabra

5 Oct

October 5, 2010

This is the first of an occasional October series of reports focusing on real life monsters and cryptoids. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In 1995, a series of strange animal deaths caused widespread panic across the farms and rural areas of Puerto Rico. In the initial attacks, eight sheep were found dead, with strange puncture wounds across their bodies. Later, other farm animals and household pets were found dead the same way. In each case, the carcasses were totally drained of blood.

These were the first reports of the Chupacabra, the infamous goat sucking beast.

Why goat sucker? The name was coined by comedian Silverio Pérez, thereby ensuring that no one would take this seriously. Funny guy, that Silverio. In later years he became a motivational speaker. “Hi! I’m Silverio Perez! You may know me as the guy who coined the term goat sucker!” Despite that, he remains a successful entertainer.  (Reports that he named the beast after his mother-in-law are unconfirmed.)

What is a chupacabra? Is it real? How drunk do you have to be to see one?

Chupacabra sightings have been on the upswing across the southwestern United States. Reports vary, but the first descriptions painted the picture of a medium sized, short haired, angry dog.

witness description of chupacabra

witness description of chupacabra

However descriptions vary, from a reptilian type of large fanged dog to a more humanoid form. Often, photos of alleged chupacabras show a hairless dog, possibly suffering from mange.

RECENT REPORTED CHUPACABRA SIGHTINGS

  • In July 2004, a rancher near San Antonio, Texas, killed a hairless dog-like creature, which was attacking his livestock. This animal was later determined to be a coyote.
  • In mid-August 2006, Michelle O’Donnell of Turner, Maine, described an “evil looking” rodent-like animal with fangs that had been found dead alongside a road.
  • On January 11, 2008, a sighting was reported at the province of Capiz in the Philippines. Some of the residents from the barangay believed that it was the chupacabras that killed eight chickens. The owner of the chickens saw a dog-like animal attacking his chickens. It was most likely a dog.

Rare surveillance footage of a chupacabra attack

POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS

  • a genetically mutated coyote
  • NASA experiments
  • vampires
  • “Bigfoot with fangs”
  • those darn teenagers

THE EXPERTS SPEAK

  • Loren Coleman is comfortable with the wild dog explanation. A noted expert in unidentified creatures, or “cryptoids,” Coleman has investigated hundreds of chupacabra cases. He finds no evidence of any strange or supernatural creatures.
  • CNN’s Ed Lavandera has described the chupacabras as the “Bigfoot of Latino culture.” I’m not sure who should be more insulted by that report, Latino culture or CNN.
  • In July 2008, History’s Monster Quest series featured some Texas carcasses, which were determined to be dogs and coyotes

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, there still remain believers. In the words of an eyewitness “I’m not messing around with this thing any more!”

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The 2010 Prime Time Lineup- As It Should Be.

4 Oct

October 4, 2010

In my last blog, I introduced you to some actual shows airing on cable television. (And one fake show- Air Traffic Antics. OK, you may have guessed it, but don’t try to tell me it was any worse than the rest of that sorry bunch.)

Well, those were all reality shows, but this season the pendulum is swinging back to scripted television. Of course, not all goes well.

FOX’s  Lonestar has been cancelled after only two airings. and don’t tell me Running Wild makes it to week six. If you’ve seen the stuff ABC is throwing at the wall to see what sticks on Friday nights you know they’ll have a couple of slots free soon too.

(Why was Lonestar cancelled? Mr. Blog’s research showed that a majority of those questioned confused Lonestar with BraveStarr, an outer space Western cartoon from the late 1980’s. Oh boy. You should meet Mr. Blog’s research panel.)

Television veterans aren’t faring well either. Larry King is leaving his show and finally crumbling into dust, Oprah is taking her ball and going home to her own network, and even Hannah Montana is leaving the Disney Channel. For obscurity, we hope. We simply pray that it doesn’t mean that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, has time on his hands to make another album.

As you can tell, that leaves a lot of room for new shows. I proudly present the next generation of prime time television!

THE FRANK SINATRA MYSTERY HOUR
Set in Las Vegas in the 1960’s, this weekly drama follows Frank Sinatra off-stage as he assists the police in solving their most baffling crimes. Cleverly masquerading as a swinging womanizer, Sinatra slyly uses his mob connections to get information that the police are unable, or unwilling, to get. With Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and the rest of the Rat Pack as cover, Frank Sinatra blends in with the seamy underbelly of organized crime in the city of sin. However, Lt. Lewiston is constantly at odds with Sinatra. He doesn’t approve of Frank Sinatra’s maverick ways, but unknown to Sinatra, Lt. Lewiston is also a frustrated lounge singer who is sick of seeing his gigs stolen by Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack. The two constantly clash over both police methodology and the proper arrangement of “Summer Wind.”

NOTE: Frank Sinatra does not sing in this series.

THAT 2007  SHOW
Take a nostalgic trip back to the year 2007 in this half-hour comedy.

MAKE ROOM FOR BABY-DADDY
The old 1950’s sitcom Make Room for Daddy gets a facelift for the 21st century. Melinda is a single mother living with her sassy ten year-old daughter Kendi and her older sister Mel in a small apartment in Queens. It’s hard enough to pay the rent with Melinda and Mel’s two paychecks and still raise Kendi, but hilarity ensues when Thorpe, Melinda’s baby-daddy turns up and moves in. Melinda hasn’t seen Thorpe in years, but he’s out of prison and back in their lives. Determined to be a father to Kendi, and equally determined to not work or pay rent, can he get along with Melinda and Mel in a three-room apartment? Melinda’s boyfriend Kane may just have something to say about that!

THE BAD CGI SHOW
Showcasing the worst in computer generated special effects, this techno-babble filled hourly sci-fi space drama is brought to the small screen by Biff Rodenberry, grandson of Star Trek creator Gene Rodenberry.

Captain Lee “Leaf” Erickson and the crew of the A.K.C. Star Hustler are on a mission to find and map alien solar systems. Crew members include First Officer Zort, Major Richard C. Richards, and Sloopy, a dog-eared alien from the planet Flatulon.

Each week, intense theoretical and philosophical issues are raised, debated, pondered, and thought over through dialogue, soliloquy, and the occasional raised voice or frown.

In episode one, Captain “Leaf” Erickson encounters a strange life form who engages his crew in a game of chess. 

THE ADVENTURES OF LITTLE BOSCO
This daily half-hour cartoon stars Abe Vigoda as the voice of Little Bosco, a cute and clumsy teddy bear who lives in the toy box of a spoiled child. Every episode, Little Bosco and his friends- Brown Gopher, Weak-Willed Wanda the Weasel, Monkey Mike and Silly Zebra- strike out on their own and have fun adventures in the back yard. Watch out! Percival, the spoiled rich boy, is looking for his toys.

JUDGE DONALD TRUMP
Trading in his boardroom for a courtroom, Donald Trump presides over the latest syndicated judicial reality series.

Each week, actual defendants and plaintiffs with real court cases come before Judge Donald Trump in Trump Court to have their cases heard. Assisted by court officer Donald Trump Jr., The Donald renders his own brand of fair and impartial verdicts while continuing to build the Trump brand. The twist of this reality show is that while most shows order the losers to pay the winner’s judgments, in this court, all judgments are payable to The Donald. Better be on your toes or your case won’t be dismissed, you’ll be fired!

PBS WRESTLING
Public Broadcasting gets into the “sports entertainment” business with their weekly live “PBS Wrestling” show. Wrestlers include Norman “the lobbyist” Clarence, “Wild” Tim Russert, and Frank “The Fundraiser.” Titles can change on pin fall, submission, or whoever raises the most money during pledge week.

CAVEMAN ASTRONAUT
This one hour drama follows Oog the caveman, a Neanderthal ahead of his time. Not content to hunt for food, avoid mammoths, and just survive, Oog looked to the stars. While no smarter than the average caveman, Oog built the first working spacecraft, all the way back in 10,000 B.C.

Through a freak mishap, Oog found himself propelled forward to our time, where he now works as a consultant for NASA.

SUDDENLY POPE!
It’s comedy meets consecration in this half-hour breakout comedy!

Vinnie  Boombatz was just like you and me- get up, go to work, pay the bills, hang out with his friends. One day his life took an unexpected turn when he awoke and discovered that he’s the Pope. It happened overnight! Vinnie still works in the pharmacy where he’s always filled prescriptions, and still goes drinking at night with his buddies, but now he does it dressed in the Pope’s habit, carrying the Pope’s crook, wearing the Pope’s large hat, and deciding the religious doctrine of millions of believers around the world.  To his worshipers he’s Pope Boombatz I, but to his friends he’s still just Vinnie.

In the first episode, Pope Vinnie wonders if he should sell condoms to a nervous teenager.

ALIEN ASSHOLES
(Hey, don’t complain about the titles, we’ll Shatnerize it with A&&holes.)
(Reality, 1 hour)

Hosted by Jeff Foxworthy! Ed Doogle was an average guy in South Dakota. While driving his pickup truck home down a lonely back road one late night, Ed Doogle was abducted by aliens. While they tried to probe him, Ed used all of his redneck cunning and managed to turn the tables on his captors. Piloting the ship back to the alien homeworld, Ed found it ridiculously easy to take over. Ed Doogle is now the leader of a world of aliens. Too bad they are incredibly stupid. Ed Doogle is the leader of a planet of ALIEN ASSHOLES.

There you have it! The next bunch of soon-to-be-cancelled TV hits! And don’t any of you try to tell me that these shows are any worse than Better With You. Have you seen that thing yet? Catch it now while you can. Or better yet, don’t bother.

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