Imponderable #59: Honey Boo Boo

24 Aug

August 24, 2012

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be

With the inspiring lyrics of Whitney Houston lingering in our ears, let’s watch a little video treat.

Wow.

Just wow. And by the way, TLC really does stand for The Learning Channel, as hard as that is to believe.

I love kids, really I do. Well, I do in theory anyway. In reality? Let’s face it, a lot of kids are annoying. This kid? This kid makes me want to-

DISCLAIMER-  THE EDITORS AND STAFF OR MR. BLOG’S TEPID RIDE DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE TOWARD CHILDREN IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, DESPITE WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IMMEDIATELY BELOW THIS DISCLAIMER.

-toss her headfirst out of a zeppelin.

Want more? Let’s see how much you can stand.

I know, I know, she’s just a kid, and if that clip proves anything it is that I should be ranting about the POS mother, but man, I really really hate that kid.

What kind of mother would raise a kid like Honey Boo Boo?

The question is Imponderable.

But just between you and me, I think we know the answer.

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The Return of I Found It on eBay!

23 Aug

August 23, 2012

I Found It on eBay was a fun feature for me to write. I wrote three posts about the strange and usually awful things people not only sold but often bought online. You can find the most recent post here, along with links to the older two.

It was fun, and I haven’t done it in a long time, so I decided it was time to dive into the deep end of the pool again, so here are some more true bargains you can bid on.

A soiled curtain for your child. Yes, of course, why wouldn’t someone buy it? It only has an unknown stain from a previous owner, I’m sure it is nothing that your child shouldn’t be exposed to. Unbelievably, it has FOUR bids. It was up to seven dollars. The shipping is seven-fifty, so this dirty piece of plastic is ours for only $14. C’mon people, buy a new curtain!

This isn’t the first horse with a broken leg I’ve found on eBay. Even better, if you go back to my old posts, you’ll find a unicorn with a broken horn, which in my book makes it a plain old horse. This particular ol’ Man ‘o War is selling for the less than princely sum of $4.99. Toss in the shipping and this can be yours for less than $15. Or, if you are like me, it will not ever be yours. Who would want this? Ok, so it comes with the leg and you can glue it back on. Is it worth it for a small horse statue? You have to buy a broken horse and glue it together to decorate your home? Have some respect for yourself, skip this auction.

Honestly, the first thing that struck me was the description. “Putz” reindeer. Why an I laughing? Google “putz” and see. Anyway, this is a wrecked paiper-mache ornament. It is far worse than the horse up above. At least that has only one broken leg. This thing looks like it came out of the wrong end of your dog. Maybe I am wrong and this is highly collectible. Maybe this is a valuable piece of papier-mache history. And maybe there is a lone nutcase out there who actually bid $5 for this disaster.

Ok what? These are just creepy. Who wants these pictures? They are just weird. Cute? Well, maybe to you but sure not to me. Adorable? I just don’t see it. At least the baby in the first picture is smiling. The second? Looks like a picture you’d see on the wall of a haunted hotel. If I knew who was buying these pictures I’d know who I was never going to strike up a conversation with.

All in all, eBay is an awesome place to shop. If you like limbless animals and kids with broken limbs, then this is the place for you.

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