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Late Night Movie House of Crap: Mexican Horror Double Feature

5 Feb

February 5, 2013

mexican horror double

You are either going to love me or hate me this edition. These are two films that you either love or get incredibly bored by. Me? Any film starring a man named Crox is a winner in my book.

THE ROBOT VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY

I love this title. You know exactly what you are going to get. More films should be named like this.

From wikipedia, perhaps the internet’s best reference for crappy black and white Mexican horror films:

The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (originally La momia azteca contra el robot humano) is a 1958 Mexican film directed by Rafael Portillo, starring Ramón Gay and Rosa Arenas. It blends elements of science fiction and horror. The film is the sequel to The Aztec Mummy and The Curse of the Aztec Mummy, both released earlier that year, and a large portion of the film consists of an extended recap of the first two entries in the series.

The film is also known as The Aztec Mummy Against the Humanoid Robot or Aztec Mummy vs. the Human Robot.

The evil Dr. Krupp (Luis Aceves Castañeda), also known as “The Bat”, plots to steal a valuable Aztec treasure from the tomb of a centuries-old living mummy, Popoca (Angel di Stefani). Krupp builds a robot to defeat the mummy. Krupp’s former colleague Dr. Eduardo Almada (Ramón Gay) and associates work to stop the mad scientist from creating his robot.

The movie shows a notable lack of awareness of Mesoamerican civilizations, as it suggests the Aztecs practiced mummification and used hieroglyphics. In reality, they had no system of writing and practiced cremation and (more often) simple burial. It was the Inca civilization that practiced mummification, and the Maya who had a system of hieroglyphics. Also, the mummy is depicted in the Egyptian style (upright or lying on its back) rather than in the Inca style (hunched into a ball with its feet pulled to the body and its knees close to the face).

SAMSON VS. THE VAMPIRE WOMEN

Here we are, another film where you know exactly what you are getting right? Wrong, bucko! This is not Samson the mythical strongman, this is Mexican wrestler Samson, the Silver Maskman, so-named because he never takes off his silver mask. He was the star of a whole series of Mexican horror/wrestling films.

From the mst3k wiki:

The vampire women in Mexico have awakened from their sleep, commanded by their master, The Evil One, to find him a bride. They choose as their target the beautiful daughter (Duval) of a local professor (Augusto Benedico). To rescue his daughter, the professor calls El Santo, a silver-masked wrestler, for justice.

Rodolfo Guzman Huerta achieved an enormous amount of fame in Mexico as pro wrestler El Santo, El Enmascarado de Plata (The Silver Maskman). Not just for his wrestling talents, but also because he stood for decency and fair play, El Santo was beloved and adored by his many fans. When movie character El Santo wasn’t wrestling, he was a crimefighter, traveling in the silver Bentley which matched his silver mask and cape. El Santo always wore his mask whenever he was in public, even when he was not performing. When he retired, his son took over the role. He continues to wrestle under the name El Santo, and, like his father, always wears the mask.  This movie is the sixth of about fifty movies which have starred El Santo (superfluously renamed “Samson” in English language versions).

 

 

Bigger Disappointment…..? (Cinema Edition)

4 Feb

February 4, 2013

keyes1.jpg

This is my shameless attempt to tie into current events (the Academy Awards are sorta going on around this time of year aren’t they?)

Anyway, I’ve seen my share of FAIL movies over the years, but some of them just disappoint more than others. I’m not talking about flops like Ishtar, I’m talking about films that should be slam dunk awesomeness, but the director ruins it by putting in a race of waddling teddy bears or Shia LeBeauf.  Or fails on any number of reasons. So lets play……WHICH FILM WAS THE BIGGER DISAPPOINTMENT?!?!?

RIGHTEOUS KILL     righteous kill

DeNiro. Pacino. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually. We wait decades for these two actors to play beside each other in a movie (and no, two minutes in Heat doesn’t count) and this is what we get? A mishmashed mess of a whodunit with no plot and frankly, lousy acting. DeNiro is old and out of shape,mercifully rocking a formless grey sweatshirt at various points. Pacino just looks awful now:

pacino

At least Pacino has the memory of this awful, awful monologue from Devil’s Advocate: 

The dramatic parting line from this film was “Continued success” It’s unfortunate that this film never had success in the first place. If only this had been done 10 years earlier. And by a different writer, director, and producer. It would’ve been gold Jerry, gold!

 CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY charlie

Depp. Burton. ‘NUFF SAID! Right? Er…….wrong actually (see what I did there?) It seemed like a PERFECT match. Johnny Depp plays “eccentrics” extremely well. And who’s more eccentric than Willy Wonka, rogue chocolatier? And Tim Burton has his own unique style, who better to bring the magic factory and oompa-loompas to life? Right? Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, this film can suck an oompa-loompa, it was that bad. Fail fail FAIL on every level. I’ll come out and say it – Johnny Depp isn’t a patch on Gene Wilder’s rump when it comes to playing Willy Wonka. You don’t see Depp’s Wonka with his own memes do you?

wonka

And what was with the disco-production from the oompa-loompas? This film is a classic case of proving that sometimes newer is most certainly NOT better.

GODZILLA zilla poster

Yes, I acknowledge this film stars Matthew Broderick, so a whole lot of  expected fail-factor was baked in. I get it. But this film epic fails on several levels. Let’s do a helpful list:

1)      DOES THIS LOOK LIKE GODZILLA TO YOU: godzilla

2)      A GODZILLA THAT DIDN’T BREATHE RADIOCATIVE FIRE

3)      A PLOT INVOLVING RUNNING AROUND MADISON SQUARE GARDEN THAT LOOKED LIKE IT WAS REJECTED FOR JURASSIC PARK 9

But the absolute worst, most horrible part of this: P-Diddy’s (*shudder*) destruction of Led Zepplin masterpiece “Kashmir”  for his horrific “Come Follow Me” Listen to it sometime if you need an enema.  But I guess there was some justice to it, seeing as Led Zepplin made their bones ripping off black artists, and now a black artist destroyed their signature song (yes it was, and don’t give me none of that “Stairway to Heaven” crap either. That is the most overrated song ….)

So while all of them killed a little part of my soul, the biggest disappointment was…………………………

deniro pacino

RIGHTEOUS KILL!!!

DeNiro. Pacino. FAIL.  ‘Nuff Said.