Archive | family RSS feed for this section

Pets Redux

4 Feb

February 4, 2011

Terriers are cute dogs, and smart too. Too bad they clash with the decor.

 

In honor of the Jasmil Kennels and Cattery in Lower Halstow, near Sittingbourne, in Kent, England, (whew!) I  republish one of my classic blogs in hopes that for God’s sake, somebody learns something.

————————————————————-

Pets. Everyone has them.

Teachers have teacher’s pets. You know, the kids who, even when the rest of the class is stoned or asleep, they’ll have an answer and keep you from yelling at everyone else. You like those kids. (Except when those Junior Mr.-Know-It-Alls don’t stop asking annoying questions. Then you want to kill them.)

Congressmen have pet projects. They’re those pork-barrel filled legislations designed to put a lot of money in the pockets of some powerful lobby, not to mention the Congressmen, that have no use at all except to waste budget money that could be spent on better things, like a committee to determine whether pro-wrestlers use steroids. (Well duh.)

Most of us have pet peeves, those little things that bug the shit out of us until we want to rip our hair out or drop a piano on someone or claim the dingoes ate the baby. (Yeah, like that happened.) One of my numerous pet peeves is the expression “could care less.” UGH!!!!! Let me explain. If you could care less, then there is a certain level of caring present, which could conceivably dip even lower. What you mean (and yes, I’m talking to you!) to say is “I couldn’t care less.” Because if you could not care less, that’s it. You can’t get any lower. It’s rock bottom. So stop saying it or I’ll sic the dingoes on you.

However, what I’m talking about today are actual pets. You know, those little living things with fur or fins or feathers, scales, whatever. Or if you’re lucky enough to own a chimera, fur and feathers.

Before we get started, let’s make it clear- there are some bad pets out there, things that should not be pets under any circumstances. Here is a brief list:

GOOD PETS                                                  BAD PETS
Dog                                                                  Mongoose
Cat                                                                    Buffalo
Fish                                                                  Swine
Bird                                                                  Condor
Hamster                                                         Chupacabra

Here is an example of why it is a bad idea to keep a pet buffalo, taken straight from one of my favorite news sources, News of the Weird:

In Salem, Wisconsin, an 1800-pound bull that had been treated as a pet killed its owner as he tried to take it to slaughter one day after the bull trampled a farmhand to death. Said the grieving owner, “You can’t trust a buffalo.”

Indeed. Words to live by.

“But Mr. BTR,” you ask, “what kind of pet is right for me?” Thanks for the question. I love it when people leave the important questions of their life to me. It makes me feel like a big man.

The pet that’s right for you is a very subjective question. In general, if you are allergic to cats, don’t get a cat. If you sleep late and never go out, don’t get a dog. If you have friends who think its fun to dump beer into the fish tank, then by God don’t get fish.

What you should get depends on your needs. Why are you getting the pet? Want a companion? Get a dog. Want to keep a box of poop-filled sand in your house? Get a cat. Want to be annoyed by seeds tossed all over the room? Get a bird. Want a pet you can flush? A fish is right for you.

When I was a kid my brother and I had two turtles. We loved them. We’d take them out of the tanks and watch them crawl around on the floor. We’d take out our toys and pretend the trucks were racing the turtles. We loved them. We were kids. We were stupid. Turtles are bad pets. They don’t do anything. They are slow and you can’t pet them- they can’t feel it though their shells. And they live forever so you are stuck with them, unless you drop them down the sewer to fend for themselves, uh, like I heard people do. Not that I did that with my turtle.

I had a cat named Spencer when I was young. She was great and I loved her. She developed a tumor on her spine and she was put to sleep. It was very traumatic. Let’s move on.

After Spencer I had a dog named McDuff. Don’t know why we named him that, it just sounded good. We had fun with him, we walked him, we took great care of him, but ultimately we had to give him away. There were two little problems.

1-     McDuff would bark and howl when he was alone. We did whatever we could. We left the TV on, we left the radio on, we left recordings of us talking on, we played a tape in the VCR of us when we were out. Nothing worked. Of course, this wasn’t a problem for us. The barking was all when we were out. McDuff was pretty silent when we were there, but the neighbors had a little problem.

2-     We could not housebreak McDuff. We’d walk him for hours and hours, stop at every tree, every hydrant, watch him sniff everything in existence, and still the dog would crap on the rug as soon as he got upstairs. We read all the books, talked to the vets, nothing worked. This was a problem. Eventually the combination of noise and crap got to be too much and he had to go. (For the same reasons, some of my students will have to go too.)

I also used to have a fish tank. Fish are calming and nice to look at, provided you buy interesting fish. I had some very beautiful fish and they were nice in their tank, until they got the Ick. I am not making that up. Ick is a fish disease and it is short for icthyosomethingIdon’tknow. It is some kind of fungus that looks like white spots on the fish, and once it gets in your tank forget it. I lost all my fish and had to sterilize the tank and everything in it. I never knew how it got started but I was sure I ended it. Until the next group of fish caught the Ick. So the tank went out in the trash.

Pets are wonderful for so many reasons. In fact, there are so many reasons that I won’t list them here- they’re just too obvious and it would be beneath you to read them.

Just remember that having a pet is a big responsibility. If you don’t pay your phone bill it’ll get cut off, but you can still get it turned back on. If you don’t feed your pet it will die, and there is no coming back from that. (Unless your pet is a Buddhist.) And frankly, a dead pet is more trouble than a live pet. They smell. They attract flies. They have to be dumped on someone’s doorstep and then what about the money you wasted on the leash, bowl, and getting the thing spayed? Take it from me; it is a good idea to keep your pets alive.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

American Chopper Senior vs. Junior: Odie, Cody, and the Foreclosure.

2 Feb

February 2, 2011

The big deal hyped for the show this week was the foreclosure on OCC’s building. It was the smallest focus of the show and also a big letdown. I’ll get to it later.

The bikes this week deserve more attention than usual because for the first time in quite a while I was impressed by the bikes.

OCC has again teamed up for a bike to benefit the St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital. Their mandate was to build a futuristic bike for the kids. Their design-monkey Jason was away on his honeymoon so the bike had no weird spikes and was able to be ridden comfortably. The bike was designed by Robb, their painter, who admitted he “doesn’t know shit about building bikes” and wondered if it was even possible to build his design. I don’t understand why OCC has only one guy capable of building bikes, and why Paul Sr. puts so much trust in him. The one bike Jason didn’t design was better than the last dozen he did.

Of course it wouldn’t be OCC if someone didn’t throw a fit- usually Paul Sr. This time it was Robb, who tried pulling an amateur diva act on Rick when he saw that the guys had changed his design. He threw a tantrum, got an attitude, and totally gave Rick a hard time. Who does he think he is? He is the painter- the low man on the totem pole. He doesn’t know how to design bikes. He is not a boss. And of all people he’s giving Rick a hard time? Rick is probably the best worker there. He is definitely the most professional. (If he ever worked with Vinnie they would put Senior and Junior out of business.) I don’t think I ever saw Rick get angry before, and still he resisted the urge to tell Robb where to go.

But he did design a nice bike.

As for the rest of the build, Senior paid a visit to St. Jude where he toured a hospital. At one point he looked into a microscope. Ever see a dancing bear in the circus wearing a tutu? Senior looking into the microscope looked just as silly.

Over on Paulie’s side, PJD was designing two bikes for a new insurance company, Universal Insurance, not to be confused with Universal Exports, which was James Bond’s cover. I suspect that one of the reasons they went with PJD was because OCC was too expensive for them.

One of the bikes is going to be given away to an employee, but the other is going to be a showpiece for the company so Paulie is doing something special. The gas tank is nothing but a see-through frame. The “transparent tank” looked great while the real tank was hidden on the bottom of the bike in a scoop.

Paulie’s bigger problem was Odie, who was developing a bad attitude.

Odie got an attitude? Odie, of all people? He has no clue how lucky he is to be there.

“Odie’s working through some immaturity issues,” Paulie said, and it shows. Odie showed up late to work, bad mouthed Paulie, talked back, and didn’t take Jr. seriously.

“He’s your boy,” Vinnie said.

Regardless of what anyone thinks of Paulie, he is Odie’s boss and he deserves some respect. Odie has to realize that he is nowhere near the level of any of the other guys in the shop and shut up. The kid has to pay his dues, especially after he showed his near-incompetence in the construction of the ugly Blingstar ATV.

Meanwhile, for everyone who ever typed “is Odie Cody from OCC?” in a search engine, this episode was for you. PJD needed some extra help so Vinnie brought in Cody, who hadn’t worked with Paulie since leaving OCC three years ago. Vinnie said that they were working with “three and a half guys.” Who was the half? Odie? Mikey? Even Vinnie is only their part-time since he has his own shop. And Paulie, like he did back at OCC, showed up two hours after the rest of the crew did, but in his defense he may have been at his lawyer or doing something else for the company since he’s the boss. PJD is seriously understaffed.

For all you conspiracy theorists out there, yes, Odie and Cody were together in the same place at the same time. In fact, Cody was the total opposite of Odie- professional and a good worker. Odie spent some time shooting jealous looks his way.

The news that OCC missed two payments on their building hit the newspapers. The bank has put them in foreclosure. Senior’s lawyer downplayed it and called it “debt restructuring.” Basically, they are looking for more favorable terms from the bank. It doesn’t necessarily mean OCC has no money. Banks will not renegotiate their terms if you pay on time because it shows that you have enough financial means so why should they work with you to lower your payments? If you miss a couple of payments it looks like you can’t pay so the bank, who wants their money, will work with you to come with a way so that they will get their money. Plenty of people deliberately miss payments for this reason.

They lawyer claimed that it will not affect OCC’s “day-to-day operation,” which begs the question, what is their day-to-day operation?

Look at a similar show, Cake Boss. Other than making cakes instead of bikes they really do the same thing: The show focuses on the fancy products made for high-paying clients. But on Cake Boss, you always see the thriving bakery shop in the front that sells tons of cookies, cakes, and pastries. The business would be a success without the huge fancy cakes. You never see anything else going on at OCC. Do they still make regular bikes? Do they customize customer’s bikes? I don’t have a clue (though I’m sure someone will write in and tell me) but you never see anything else going on there

Regardless of the financial state of OCC, Paul Senior is doing just fine. In addition to the farm he owns, he has, according to Mikey, “50 to 60 muscle cars and 40 motorcycles.” That could be an exaggeration but Mikey is in a position to know. Paulie pointed out that “they got no money to pay their bills but they have money to pay lawyers to sue me.” He also expects to be blamed by Sr. for their woes and he is probably right.

Like I always said, OCC has plenty of money spread around through creative bookkeeping. I will believe they have money troubles when they are out of business and Senior is riding the bus.

Here is the Discovery Channel description for next week’s show:

American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior
Fired
TV-PG (L)

Tensions are high at PJD as Odie back talks Junior. Junior fires Odie who then turns to Senior for counsel, and hopefully, a job. PJD pulls off a double-unveil for Universal Property Insurance while OCC unveils a bike to an enthusiastic crowd.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →