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Mr. Know-It-All: Leave Me Alone

12 May

May 12, 2011

Crap. I gotta write? Jeez, Mr. Know-It-All doesn’t write when you tell him to write, he writes when he’s sober enough, which ain’t too often. But I need the money so I’ll try to clear the fog in my brain and ignore the dull thudding ache in my balls long enough to come up with some shit.

And speaking of shit, here’s Dear Abby, who for the first time in her miserable life gets one right.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, “James,” constantly tells me he loves me, but I don’t think I love him. I’m sure most women would love having a man tell them he loves them all the time, but it drives me up a wall. If I walk into a room, James says he loves me. If I leave the room, he says it again. The words have lost their meaning for me, but if I don’t respond in kind, James thinks I’m mad at him. I am emotionally exhausted from having to constantly reassure him. If I try to discuss anything serious, he cries, and that just turns my stomach. I’m not an uncaring, unfeeling person. I’m very emotional, but when a man cries it makes me uncomfortable.

Please don’t suggest counseling. James is a pastor who would want to go to a Christian counselor. That makes me uneasy because he knows all the ones around here. We don’t have much money and no insurance. If I ask for a divorce, it will end his career.

Divorce is not an option for many people, but I don’t want to wake up one morning and realize I have lived my entire life putting myself second. Abby, when is it OK to say this isn’t working? — MISERABLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MISERABLE: Say it now, while there may still be a chance to save your marriage. It is crucial that you find the money you need for nondenominational couples therapy with a licensed professional. Your husband needs to overcome insecurities that may stem from the fact that he feels you becoming increasingly distant, or that may have originated in his youth. And you need to control the impulse to shut down when your husband expresses emotions that make you uncomfortable.

HAH! Finally the old broad gets it! It is the wife’s fault! It is ALWAYS the wife’s fault! Damn pain-in-the-ass-never-cooks-a-decent-meal-always-hides-her-cash-never-willing-to-do-it-in-front-of-the-dog-never-shuts-up-keeps-fighting-with-the-pimp-can’t-stop-trying-to-get-me-to-stop-drinking-shooting-up-autoerotic-masturbating-or-I’ll-kill-myself-wife! Leave me alone bitch! If I wanted someone always on my back I’d have stayed in Cleveland with that tranny who sold me the bad pills. Damn straight I’m not paying for that! What did you put in those things, TNT? I was lying in that puddle for ten hours! Got freakin’ frostbite in my balls, it was so cold, you want me to pay you for that? And what about the crabs you gave me? Shit, maybe I only got one working kidney but I still know what the price of black tar is in Vietnam.

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DEAR ABBY: I am an over-50 “cougar” who has a boyfriend who’s not happy with my looks. He loves all the other aspects of our relationship, but he wants me thinner and prettier. I’ll never look 30 again. What do you think I should do? — BARB IN RENO

Barbarino, I think the problem here is that America doesn’t have a consistent, comprehensive cougar policy. Cougars are usually from about 28-40, 45 max. 50 is pushing it, and when a woman says she’s “over-50” she really means about 68. Give up. You’re not a cougar, you’re some sort of mangy prairie dog.

What I think you should do is shut up and leave me alone.

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DEAR ABBY: I’m a married woman with single and married male friends. I go out for lunches and dinners with all of them. Some live out of state and we email often. I also have outings with female pals, some of whom are lesbians. “Illinois” needs to figure out why he doesn’t trust his wife and his good friend. My husband socializes without me as well. He even goes to lunch sometimes with an old girlfriend. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. — SECURE AND HAPPY IN CALIFORNIA

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Married woman going out with her lesbian friends? Yeah, I’ve seen movies like that. You know why your husband trusts you? He doesn’t. He just says he does so you will trust him. Going out to lunch with an old girlfriend? He’s banging the shit out of her, you idiot.

Mr. Know-It-All would like to join your next “lunch.” I’ve got lube, a camcorder, and a penis pump. I know how to please a lesbian. They don’t call me Fish Fingers for nothing.

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DEAR ABBY: I had an affair a few years ago that lasted a lot longer than it should have. It ended when my lover, “John,” died unexpectedly. The kicker is I was — and still am — married. For the last two years I had wanted to end the relationship, but I couldn’t find the courage to do it on my own. My question is, should I feel guilty for feeling glad that John is dead? I’m glad the affair is finally over, but I feel guilty that death is what ended it and that I didn’t have the courage to end it myself. — CONFLICTED IN SANTA ROSA

What the fuck? Let me read that again.

You were married. You had an affair. You wanted to end the affair but didn’t. The guy died. You are happy but also guilty for feeling happy. Jeez, this is Doctor Phil shit. Unless you’re the one that killed the guy forget it. You are already going to Hell so who gives a crap how you feel? You’re going to burn for eternity anyway. End of conflict.

That’s it, Mr. Know-It-All has reached the end. Not the end of the column, the end of his bottle of gin and antifreeze. I can’t get through a single word of this column without it. I drink enough and I go blind for a couple of hours, pass out, and have no short term memory of writing any of this. OK, things are getting dim, I’m going to crawl under my desk and die.

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American Chopper: Senior vs. Junior: Judgement Day

9 May

May 9, 2011

Shortly before the show began I saw, on another channel, a new Dr. Pepper commercial with Paul Sr. as the head of a motorcycle gang. He threatened to beat up a poor schlub who could only tell him that “Dr. Pepper tastes like Dr. Pepper,” which I guess is their new catchphrase. If  I were the guy, after Senior threatened to hit me I’d tell him “touch me and I’ll own your valueless company,” which is appropriate because that valueless company is a main focus of this week’s episode.

The bikes this week are easy to describe because none of them were finished yet when the episode ended. You may consider that a drawback, but on the other hand there was no Jason Pohl so it was an overall win.

OCC was hired by Trans Am Depot to make three bikes, each based on a classic Trans Am. TLC seemed to be using this show as a tryout for a Rick Petko spin-off, “Rick Petko Explains It All” since Rick explained everything about the bikes this week. He probably got more airtime than anyone over at OCC this week, and that’s a good thing because he has more credibility and professionalism than anyone else in that shop. And while I am kidding about the possible spin-off, I could see TLC hiring him to host some kind of mechanical show.

PJD was hired by CrankyApe.com to build a pair of bikes. One would be a custom job and another would be one they bought from the CrankyApe website, refurbished, and will be sold on auction. CrankyApe is an online auction site that sells used, refurbished, or bank seized bikes. The second bike would be an example of what you can do with their bikes. Paulie brought in Cody to work on it. Once again, Cody showed himself to be more professional than most of the older guys on that show. CrankyApe went tp PJD because they once had a bad experience with OCC. About five years ago they called them up and “didn’t get the time of day” from them. Paulie, however, called them right back. Score one for Junior.

It isn’t all easy for PJD. Once again, Brendon was a little dissatisfied with the way things were done there.
Brendon: “No drawings again?”
Paulie: “Who’s gonna draw them?”
Brendon: “You.”
Is it any surprise that Vinnie says there is a lack of direction at PJD? “Daily as we go we figure out what we want to do.” He is too much of a professional to say it but he clearly doesn’t like working that way.

Another thing Vinnie doesn’t like is Paul Senior. Though you almost never hear it mentioned, the people on reality shows do go home and watch their shows at night. Vinnie came in and was really disgusted with an episode from last season. You may recall that a group of kids visited first OCC and them PJD and Sr. gave one of them a picture to bring to Paulie. Vinnie was just sick of how Senior never missed a chance to bad mouth Paulie to any passing stranger. I’m curious if Paul Sr. watches the show and what he thinks of himself. Would he complain that they edit out all of his reasonableness? It just reminds me of Bin Laden sitting in his bedroom watching himself on TV.

Senior and his wife went to Mikey’s gallery of awful art on a day Mikey wasn’t there to see the art. Mixed in with the finger paintings and pictures of the GEICO gecko, Mikey had a few pictures based on his relationship with his father. One of them was a crying man with the title “Remember When Daddy Loved Us?’ Another was a picture of a frowny face with the title “Sad Dad.” Actually, the frown may have been Sr.’s moustache, it had the same droop. “I don’t necessarily get some of his art,” Senior said. He’s no prize either. When ordering as part he needs immediately, Senior got confused between the A.S. and the A.P.

Upon hearing about his father’s visit, Mikey ran right to Paulie so Paulie could tell him what to think. For all of Mikey’s BS about reconciling with his father, after Senior went out of his way to see his art Mikey still won’t talk to him. He is weak-minded and doesn’t know what he wants. I think that somewhere he’s afraid that getting back with his father will make Paulie mad at him. Mikey has hitched his wagon to Paulie for better or worse.

Mikey, BTW, is huge. Whatever weight he lost awhile back has returned with a few more pounds besides. This week he was wearing an artsy scarf, a sport coat, and shorts. He is also doing his epic beard man impression by not trimming his wild growth.

The big news is the decision in the OCC/Paulie lawsuit. The court unanimously decided 4-0 in Paulie’s favor. This means that Paulie is in no way obligated to sell his 20% of OCC, so if Senior wants to buy it he has to make Paulie a real offer based on something besides his phony $0 valuation of OCC.

Sounds simple, right? Well not if you are a lawyer. Senior’s lawyer spun it so that “the case has not been won or lost either by us or by them.” Right. Senior was trying to force Paulie to give him his share of OCC for nothing. Now that won’t happen. Paulie wins. And of course, Senior entirely blames Paulie for the lawsuit by not selling him the shares in the first place. The whole point of Paulie wining the suit is that Paulie never had to do that. Senior was always in the wrong!

Totally coincidentally, I am sure, Senior decided that it was time to make up with his sons. So who did he talk to? His lawyer. That’s the problem right there. Somehow, the reconciliation and getting his shares from Paulie have become intertwined in Senior’s mind.

Those of you might recall that the commercials that aired before the season began said the build-off is coming, and the current commercials say that the only way to settle things is the way they began, with the build. So far, we have no idea what they are talking about.

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