This Was Your Life!

21 Sep

September 21, 2014

Generic, syrupy, goofy game show music swells, but with some odd, dark notes thrown in.
Stage lights swell, bright, a little too bright, with red lights on the audience.

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: Let’s give a big, warm welcome, heh heh, a very warm welcome, heh heh, for our next contestant, Willy Baxter! Willy Baxter, COME ON THE HELL OUT!

From stage left, Willy Baxter walks onstage, half escorted, half pushed by two very muscular red devils complete with horns, tails, and pitchforks. Willy looks very, very scared and confused.

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: And now, here’s our host. You know him as the taskmaster who punishes contestants with thorns and bleeding pores, and that’s when he’s in a good mood. Demons and devils, incubi and succubi, I give to you, Guy Lucifer! C’mon the Hell out, Guy, we love you!

Guy Lucifer suddenly appears in a cloud of smoke. The odor of brimstone causes Willy Baxter to vomit onstage. A small winged nymph flies over and hands Guy a microphone.

GUY LUCIFER: Hey, it is so great to be here. Welcome to the show where every day, someone new gets the chance to win fabulous prizes. Johnny, tell this poor piece of crap what he can win!

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: He can’t win a new car, that’s for sure!

Audience laughs in strange combinations of animal grunts and semi-human howls of pain.


OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: Willy Baxter, you’re not playing for anything! You’re here for our eternal amusement!

Guy Lucifer smiles and a small black beetle crawls out from between his teeth. Willy Baxter falls to his knees and vomits some more.

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: Oh Willy, I’m just kidding. You do have one chance, one chance only!

Willy looks up, hopefully.

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: You might win this! (Curtain opens!) A lifetime supply of Turtle Wax! HA HA HA! HA HA HA! HAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

GUY LUCIFER: Don’t you get it? You’re dead! DEAD! Willy F-ing Baxter, YOU ARE DEAD! Some ass ran you over with his motorcycle while you were crossing the street!

OFFSTAGE ANNOUNCER: That’s right! Your head ended up twenty feet away from your body! AH HA HA HAAAAAAA! It was great!

GUY LUCIFER: Let’s get started Willy, we don’t have all day. Here on This Was Your Life, we bring out people who were close to the contestant, reunite them with their near and dear, give them just a taste of what their life was like. Then we turn you inside out, impale you on a spit, and roast you alive!


GUY LUCIFER: Shut the F up you worthless toad. Time for our first guest. Willy, do you remember this voice?

VOICE: What happened, you crap your pants? Drop down and give me twenty!

WILLY: Uh, what……?

GUY LUCIFER: That’s right, it’s your old high school gym teacher, Ed Sprick! C’mon out Ed!

Ed Sprick enters stage right, crosses to Willy, and kicks him square in the crotch. He waves to the crowd, leaves the stage. Willy lies doubled over in pain while the demons take turns kicking him and breaking his ribs.

GUY LUCIFER! Time for a commercial break! But don’t worry Willy, there’s lots more to come, lot’s more, including all the woman who refused to go out with you! We’ll be right back!

Fade out.







7 Responses to “This Was Your Life!”

  1. zathra September 21, 2014 at 12:24 am #

    This sounds like a condensed version of a tract by Jack T. Chick, only sans some of the torture stuff. Jack’s tracts have become a part of pop culture in their own weird way.


    • bmj2k September 21, 2014 at 12:44 am #

      I had to look that up.

      My only comment is to quote Shakespeare:
      There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
      Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • zathra September 21, 2014 at 12:49 am #

        Oh, I know….. This was an unpublished apocryphal part of ” The Inferno ” by Dante Alighieri !


  2. Matt Cowan September 21, 2014 at 8:55 am #

    Nice imagery! It would be a gym teacher that they bring out to torment the contestants. I remember mine from jr. high would ask for volunteers. I of course never raised my hand and he’d pick me anyway. I think he was a sadist.


    • bmj2k September 21, 2014 at 12:30 pm #

      You should have had this guy:

      I have one other gym teacher story. My old junior high had separate boys and girls gyms but no locker rooms. We had to change in cubbies along the gym perimeter. To show we shouldn’t be shy, the teacher dropped his pants and walked around in his underwear on the first day orientation. Then a girl walked in with a note from the office and he pulled up his pants and ran and hid behind a gym mat to button up.


  3. J.R.D. Skinner September 24, 2014 at 3:03 pm #

    Only tangentially related, but this reminded me of some nightmare fuel I encountered between TCM flicks:


    • bmj2k September 24, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

      That was something else!


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