Archive | November, 2010

Your Honor, I move for dismissal on the grounds that the movie sucked.

4 Nov

November 4, 2010

Coming up is a story that you’d expect came straight from the United States, where it is every citizen’s right to file ridiculous lawsuits and waste the court’s time with nonsense. In fact, it has been estimated that if all frivolous lawsuits were dismissed immediately, and no further frivolous lawsuits filed, the entire legal load of merited cases could be handled by Judge Judy in a single afternoon, leaving the Supreme Court free to do what it does best, which is age at an alarming rate.

Of course not every lawsuit is frivolous, just ask these fine folks who filed suit, as found in The Huffington Post:

  • In 1991 Richard Overton tried to sue Anheuser-Busch for $10,000 because upon drinking copious amounts of Bud Light, beautiful women didn’t come to life in a tropical setting, as shown in the commercials.
  • Allen Heckard had a unique problem: people constantly told him he looked like basketball star Michael Jordan. Except Heckard saw it a bit differently, Michael Jordan looked like him. Naturally, he decided to sue Jordan and Nike for $832 million for his “emotional pain and suffering.”
  • In 1995, Robert Lee Brock attempted to sue himself for $5 million claiming he violated his own civil rights by getting intoxicated and committing crimes. He was serving a 23 year prison sentence at the time and thought the state would have to pay because he was incarcerated.

So obviously the legal system is pretty busy these days.

This problem is not unique to America. This story comes from China, where if they saw what passes for Chinese food in this country they would have a good laugh:

A lawyer in Xian, China, filed a lawsuit in September against a movie house and film distributor for wasting her time — because she was exposed to 20 minutes of advertisements that began at the posted time for the actual movie to begin. Ms. Chen Xiaomei is requesting a refund (equivalent of about $5.20) plus damages of an equal amount, plus the equivalent of about 15 cents for “emotional” damages — plus an apology. [The Guardian (London), 9-8-10]

Are you as shocked as I am? Imagine- only $5.20 for a movie! OK, she sat through some commercials, big deal. I sat through Starship Troopers and I paid around $8 for that. Other lousy films I paid to see were Batman and Robin and Any Given Sunday. Trust me, if anyone deserves to be sued it is Oliver Stone for that cinematic piece of crap. And Starship Troopers? If you voluntarily rent this film knowing that it is near the pinnacle of Casper Van Dien’s craft you deserve what you get. But this when he was only a new bad actor, not an established bad actor. I was young, I was naive, I was disgusted that the film wanted me to root for the Nazis.

But I digress.

I actually think that Ms. Chen Xiaomei should consider herself lucky. Not only would that film have cost around $12 in America ($145.50 in NYC, $195.50 for 3D) but while waiting for the commercials to end she would have likely consumed here entire 7.50 bucket of popcorn and 7.50 large soda. (Of course, she could have easily saved some cash by purchasing one of the theater’s combos, where the soda and popcorn would have only cost her $15.)  That amounts to $27 even before the coming attractions, and of course doesn’t take into account a date, which this female attorney didn’t seem to have.

I hope she wins the $10.55 she is suing for.

All this brings me (nearly) full circle from lawsuits to movies to lawyers. Can you imagine that this lawyer values her time so little that she is filing suit and spending time arguing a case for $10.55? (Ironically, the case is about wasting time.) She is either a very poor attorney or has very low self-esteem, either of which would also explain why she was alone at the movies in the middle of the day.

At any rate, and perhaps more importantly, she is also suing for an apology. Yes, an apology. She wants an “I’m sorry” from the theater, which makes me wonder if this case was filed in Ms. Wagner’s third grade class. I wonder if the judge will sentence them to shake hands and make nice? Or perhaps to kiss and make up, which may work out well for Chen Xiaomei if she can parlay that kiss into a date.

However, I may be minimizing the importance of the apology. No less an esteemed legal mind that Judge Marilyn Milian of The People’s Court says that small claims court is usually not about money, it is about the principle. She must be right. How else to explain the case, from the crotchety old Judge Wapner era, where one man sued another for 65 cents, the cost of a can of soda?

Frivolous lawsuits and bad movies will always be with us. True as that is, it is hard to believe that there are not many movies about frivolous lawsuits. Even if they were, however, they would not be prosecutable. If so, I’d have sued Jennifer Lopez for Gigli years ago, and put an injunction on Ban Affleck in the process. That man must be stopped before he acts again!

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In Search of… The Roswell UFO Crash

3 Nov

November 3, 2010

 

It is the most famous UFO incident in the annals of extraterrestrial research, and it all began with a farmer who had to pee.

On the night of June 14th, 1947, a farmhand named William Ware “Mack” or “Mac” Brazel wandered far afield looking for a tall bush that needed some watering. Finding one, he also found some strange wreckage. Brazel told the Roswell Daily Record that he and his son saw a “large area of bright wreckage made up of rubber strips, tinfoil, a rather tough paper and sticks.” They were also wet, a fact which an embarrased “Mack” or “Mac” soon cleared up.

However, rumors soon started, rumors of a mundane explanation to the mystery of the odd debris. Headlines blared the discovery of an ordinary weather balloon. 

This set off a firestorm of controversy- what was the Air Force up to? What strange experiments were they conducting in the skies? Why were weather balloons floating over Rosewell?

Soon everyone wanted to see the wreckage- the scotch tape, the rubber bands, the tin foil and paper. So many people demanded to see the weather balloon debris, and so many questions were asked, that, rather than reveal the existance of Air Force Prioject Mogul, (the Weather Dominator) the Air Force released a cover story, that a UFO had crashed on a Roswell farm. They retracted the weather ballooon claim and insisted that the wreckage was from an unidentifed flying object.

No one believed it.

The Air force even went so far as to issue a press release stating that a crashed flying disc had been recovered on a remote farm. They hinted that bodies had been recoverd. Major Jesse Marcel would, years later, still claim that the debris was a UFO.

Again, no one believed it.

Why would the Air Force cover up the crash of a weather balloon with the far-fetched story of a UFO crash? Until today, no one knew the full story behind Project Mogul. Here is the complete story, discovered through several Freedom of Information requests.

PROJECT MOGUL
A.K.A. G.I. Joe: The Revenge of Cobra (The Weather Dominator)
JUNE 14th, 1947
ROSWELL NEW MEXICO

Part 1 “In the Cobra’s Pit”   
Cobra attacks G.I. Joe convoy and steals a high-powered experimental laser. During the battle to protect the laser, both Duke and Snake Eyes are captured by Cobra agents. Once back at Cobra’s base, Destro uses the laser to complete his latest weapon… the Weather Dominator. (PROJECT MOGUL) When Flint and the other Joes launch an air assault and rescue mission, Destro uses the device, and it’s stormy skies ahead for the Joe team. 

Part 2 “The Vines of Evil”
Cobra Commander’s has Duke and Snake-Eyes fight each other in a gladiatorial combat in his Arena of Sport. Cobra plans to assault Washington D.C., but Duke and Snake-Eyes send a Morse code to the Joes. The Joes successfully defend D.C., but destroy the weather device by splitting it into three pieces scattered globally. Weather patterns all over the world are in havoc; G.I. Joe and Cobra begin expeditions to recover the shattered device. 

Part 3 “The Palace of Doom”
Cobra and the Joes head for “The Palace of Doom”, an alleged cursed Aztec temple in ROSWELL NEW MEXICO  to retrieve the first fragment, the ion correlator. Cutter, Wild Bill and Spirit along with Doc, Torpedo, Clutch and Rock ‘n Roll head to an unstable island in the Pacific called the Island of No Return to retrieve another fragment, the Hydro Master, and are opposed by the Baroness, Firefly and Zartan. The Joes retrieve the corrolator, but they lose the fragment to Cobra during an earthquake.

Part 4 “Battle on the Roof of the World”
On the Island of No Return, Spirit saves Stormshadow from drowning while escaping from an underground river. In return for his heroism, Stormshadow allows Spirit to keep the fragment. Flint, Lady Jaye, Snow Job, Spirit, Gung-Ho, MAJOR JESSE MARCEL and Shipwreck head to the North Pole to retrieve the third fragment, The Laser Core, and are opposed by Destro and Zartan. Zartan finds the 3rd fragment, and he blackmails the Joes and Cobra that the final fragment will belong to the highest bidder. 

Part 5 “Amusement Park of Terror”
Zartan broadcasts an unsecure message to the Joes and Cobra offering to bargain for his particular fragment. Both sides trace his call to an amusement park. Cobra captures Zartan, and now they possess all the pieces of the Weather Dominator since Stormshadow sneaked into Joe HQ and stole their fragment. Duke and company raid the Cobra Command center as Roadblock uses vines to attack Destro. The Joes are able to destroy the weather dominator, rescue Duke and company and apprehend Cobra Commander. Destro and Zartan escape on a hang-glider. 

So now, more than sixty years later, Mr. Blog can confirm that the infamous crash of a UFO in Roswell New Mexico was little more than the cover story for a pivotal battle between G.I. Joe, America’s elite forces, and the evil of Cobra and Destro. The debris found was from the ion correlator fragment of Project Mogul, a project so secret that it was known only to America’s special forces. The citizens of Roswell can rest proud, knowing that their small town played a pivotal part in keeping America free of Cobra Commander’s despotic terrorism.

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