from May 25, 2008
Before I get into my eagerly-awaited review of the fourth Indiana Jones movie, let me have a few more minutes to talk about karma. I’ll also explain what happened to the rant that was supposed to appear here today.
As you know if you were silly enough to read my recent blogs, I had a run of bad automobile luck. I usually just chalk bad luck to chance or the luck of the draw, but not that week. While I may not be a true believer in karma (though I love it on My Name is Earl) it was in full effect last week. Because of the negative energy (or whatever) of a nasty blog allegedly about cars, I was plagued with car trouble. Thankfully, that’s all over now, I hope. (Fingers crossed!)
But karma works both ways. For example, I had planned and written (only in my head) a pretty nasty piece of work about, well, work. Had I posted it here it would have been one of the major league ones, full of F-bombs and general black-heartedness straight from my gut. However, I thought better of it, much better, as the log was guaranteed to piss off someone who may or may not deserve it, but either way was likely to read it. And though subtlety is not my strong suit, pissing someone off that way isn’t my style either. I decided the right thing to do is to just not run it at all. Sorry. At any rate, I must have gained some positive karma points that paid off today, because when we got to the movie to see Indiana Jones the house was about 80% full, but in the top row, dead center, were three empty seats. Perfect! Karma rewarded me by saving the best seats for us. And who sat around us? On the right was a young quiet boy of about seven. On the left was an old quiet woman of about seventy-seven. In front of us was a family of very short Mexicans and in front of me specifically was a Mexican so short that I was sure the seat was empty until I saw the empty seat pass someone some popcorn.
And now, My Review of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
The film opens in New Mexico, 1957. How am I sure it was 1957? The soundtrack is blaring the music of Elvis Presley. Of course, that could date the film well in the 1970’s, also known as the Fat Elvis Era, but the graphic clearly reads “New Mexico, 1957” so any chances I had of seeing Elvis wearing a caped jumpsuit were dashed lower than the hopes of Kim Karashian getting liposuction on her gigantic ass.
A military convey pulls into an army base in Roswell New Mexico, home of (as the sign says) Area 51. This, as all conspiracy nuts, UFO enthusiasts, loyal listeners of Art Bell, and me, know, is the top secret army base where the military hides all sorts of stuff they don’t want us to have, like the crashed Roswell saucer, portals to alien dimensions, Hilary Clinton’s clone, cheap oil, time travel machines, Hitler’s brain, and world peace.
Well, it turns out that the military guys are not technically our military guys, they are Russian military guys, led by Kate Blanchette in a Betty Page hairdo and a jumpsuit that managed to look sexy in a masculine kind of way. Oh, no no, I meant “look sexy despite being masculine.” DESPITE.
The Russians already have an artifact older and more powerful than any creaky old thing locked inside the warehouse, they have Indiana Jones locked in the trunk of their vintage Buick. After gently lifting him out and making sure his arthritis isn’t too bad, they set him inside the warehouse to find a crystal skull.
What’s a crystal skull? I’ll tell you, but I should also warm you that I am going to freely mix fact and fiction here and leave it to you to sort out. There are eight known crystal skulls out of what are believed to be thirteen scattered around the globe. All are alleged to have certain paranormal powers, like the ability to tell you where you left your car keys last night or if that hot chick in the bar was really into you or just playing you for drinks. You can see why the Russians would want a thing like that.
This is the same warehouse glimpsed at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, and sure enough, in a madcap wacky romp through the place, Indy runs into both the Ark of the Covenant and George Lucas’ first draft script of Star Wars where Chewbacca wasn’t a Wookie but instead was played by Art Carney in a gorilla suit. Harrison Ford puts in a fine performance in a very physical role. In fact, he did all the stunts himself. Ford dislocated both hips and developed a goiter during the filming.
Escaping the Commies, Indy takes a break in a normal 1950’s American town. There are two cars in every garage, the mothers are baking pies, the fathers come home for lunch, and the black people are quietly segregated and kept in the background. However, after raiding the fridge, Indy realizes that something is wrong- no one has moved or said a word for a long time. Upon closer inspection, our eagle-eyed hero discovers that every single person in town is a cardboard cutout. Then the air raid siren begins to blare and a countdown begins. Now Indiana isn’t as swift as he used to be, and he’s cranky from not having his oatmeal this morning, but he puts the clues together. New Mexico + military base + phony town+ air raid sirens + countdown + big signs that say “atomic testing for God’s sake keep out” = deep shit. Implausibly, Indy hides in a refrigerator and is blasted clear of the area while the lead lining keeps him radiation free. I didn’t make that up.
So Indy is debriefed by the FBI. (And with J. Edgar Hoover in charge, I literally mean “de-briefed.”) Turns out he was also blacklisted and labeled a communist by the FBI for having the nerve to know somebody who once read a book that belonged to an alleged communist’s brother. We also find out that his dad died and he’s fired from the university.
About this time Indy was considering hanging himself by his bullwhip when he discovered that his boys could swim and that he’s a daddy. His son is a 1950’s stereotype greaser named Mutt. Yes, Mutt. I didn’t like it either.
Though it may be too late, I’d like to point out that this review may contain spoilers.
For the rest of the film, his old war friend changes sides the way Lindsay Lohan changes lesbian girlfriends, which is say all the time. His old love Marian (from the first film) turns up only to get captured. Who says there are no strong roles for women in Hollywood? Indy gets the skull, loses the skull, runs through jungles, fights native guys in grass skirts, fights communists who are interchangeable with the Nazis of previous films, gets caught in quicksand, trembles at snakes, runs from ants, gets the girl, (who is the same age as he is, about 67, so she isn’t really a girl, is she?) and does more running than is healthy for a man of his advanced years.
I’d like to tell you about the ending, but I’m still having trouble processing it. Let me just give you the bullet points. The finale contains:
- 13 crystal skulls
- 13 complete crystal skeletons
- a UFO
- a portal into another dimension
- aliens “Saucer Men from Mars”
- telepathy
- greed and avarice
- lots of water
- a high degree of, as President Bush would say “ridiculous-nicity.”
I waited 19 years for this film. My students weren’t even born when the last one came out. So was it worth the wait. Yes. I loved this stupid film. Every stupid second of it. I want to see it again.
Anyone want to go with me?
Mr. Blog's Tepid Ride 
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